As soon as we walk into Marty’s place, Bridget and Soph jump into the hall and fire Nerf bullets at us. I duck behind Payne, holding him in front of me like a shield, and when the bullets finally stop and the noise dies down, I glance up to find him staring at me. Completely unimpressed.
“Good to know if we’re ever mugged on a dark street corner, I can count on you.”
“Hey, when it comes to kids, it’s every man for himself.”
“Or … we could combine forces against them.”
“I’m listening.”
He glances over at our giggling nieces and says, “I’ll take the big one, you get the little one.”
“You’re on.”
Sensing danger, the girls take off as we lunge at them, but Payne scoops Bridget off her feet, and I nab Soph a second later.
I swing her wriggling body over my shoulder and carry her out into the living area. “Where do you want this monster?”
Lizzy waves a hand. “Just throw it in the backyard. We don’t need any monster messes in here, thanks.”
“Backyard it is.”
“No,” Soph screeches between laughter, struggling against my hold. “I’m not a monster.”
“One monster for the backyard, here we go.” I drop her outside and slide the door closed behind her.
“Uncle Bo-Bo!”
I cup my ear. “Sorry, I can’t hear you!”
“Let me in!”
“Not by the hair on my chinny-chin-chin.”
“See? You can hear her,” Bridget points out.
“Okay, smarty-pants.” I relent and open the door again.
Soph glares at me. “That wasn’t funny.”
“It was for me.”
Payne puts Bridget down again. “Go pick up your toys.”
“Fine.” They both run off.
“Geez, two seconds with them and I’m exhausted already,” Payne says.
“You need to build up your stamina.” I don’t realize how those words sound until they leave my mouth, but thankfully Lizzy and Marty don’t pick up on it. Or at the way Payne lifts an eyebrow in my direction.
Marty picks up a stack of envelopes and drops them on the table. “All yours.”
Payne pulls out a chair and sits down before flipping through the pile. “Who said being an adult is a fun time?”
Well, what we did last night was damn fun.
“Hey, Beau, come help me with this?” Lizzy asks. Her tone isn’t subtle. At all. Luckily, Marty and Payne are both chatting and don’t notice.
I follow Lizzy down the hall when she spins suddenly and crosses her arms. “How’s Lee?”
I should have known this was coming. “Don’t act like Marty didn’t tell you.”
“Of course he did. He also said you’re suddenly totally happy being single, and neither of us believes that for a second. So spill.”
“There’s nothing to spill.” Except that I want to be single so Payne can fuck me as much as he wants.
She pins me with her mom-stare. The one that makes me want to confess my deepest sins. “It’s Payne, isn’t it?”
“What’s in pain?”
“Funny, but that was basically a yes.”
“Does it matter what the reason is? I don’t want to date. And whether Payne was here or not, I wouldn’t want to date Lee.”
“And I’m not saying to date someone you don’t like. I’d never want that for you.” She uncrosses her arms. “I just don’t want to see you spending your whole life pining after him.”
“Maybe I want that.”
“There’s no way you—”
“How do you know?” It feels weird to push back, especially about this. “At the moment, we’re spending time together, we live together, and we’re getting to know each other more. You don’t know it could never happen.”
“If Payne was smart, it would. You’d never treat him like … well, you know. But from what Marty says, a relationship isn’t even on his radar, and if you keep holding out for him, you’re going to get hurt.”
I plant my hands on her shoulders. “I love you. Both of you. Because I know this worry comes from love, and that’s great, but I also need you to trust me. If I get hurt, I’m doing it with my eyes wide open. I’m not naive. I know it’ll probably never happen. And that’s fine. But give me space to fuck this up on my own.”
“You’re not filling me with confidence.”
I laugh and kiss her on the head. “I’m a big boy. I’ll be fine.”
“Jesus fucking Christ!”
We both jump at the loud voice and exchange wary looks. Payne does not sound happy. And when we return to the main living area, I find him with his hand buried in his hair, staring down at a piece of paper.
Marty looks pissed.
“What is it?”
I move closer, and Payne hands over the paperwork he’s holding.
Divorce papers.
With a note clipped to the front saying, I won’t do this unless it’s in person.
“That fuck!”
“Uncle Bo-Bo said a bad word,” Soph says in the doorway.
Lizzy crosses her arms. “Sometimes those bad words are needed—when you’re an adult. Go and play with your sister.”
Soph looks from her mom to Marty to Payne. Then she darts across the room and climbs into his lap.
His back stiffens for a second before he wraps an arm around her. “Thanks, sweetie. I’m okay now.”
She doesn’t leave though.
It’s taking all of my self-control not to go on a rant. “When did you last see him?” I ask.
“Before … before it all went down.”
“You haven’t since?”
“Nope. I stayed at a friend’s place in Boston and made it clear that if he came near me at work, I’d let the school know about his extracurricular activities.”
“Why the fu—why now? What’s his game plan here?”
“I have no idea.”
“Are you going to do it?” Marty asks.
“I … I don’t know.” Payne pinches his nose.
“You could ignore it,” I suggest. “There’s no rush here. Give it a bit of time, and once there’s some distance, it might be easier then.”
“I don’t want anything tying me to that … man.”
It’s lucky he has Soph to hug because otherwise I probably would have folded him in my arms already. He looks so lost, staring at the paper and Kyle’s stupid note, and I want to fix it. To make it better. I can’t do that here, and it sucks that literally no one in this room knows what he means to me.
Not Marty, not Payne, not Lizzy, and fuck, sometimes not even me.
The thing about loving someone is you don’t get to do it with conditions attached. I don’t love him, expecting him to return it. I don’t love him, hoping I’ll get over it, or that I can transfer that love to someone else.
I just love him.
I’m starting to realize that maybe that’s enough. It’s not the easiest option, but it’s the one that makes me happy.
23
Payne
“Turn into this driveway up here,” Beau says.