Lie. I sucked in a breath, fighting back the burning in my eyes, and turned off my phone.
NINETEEN
JAX
I got to class early, hoping to corner Sid, only to find her seat empty. A sinking, oily feeling turned in my stomach. She was avoiding me. I’d texted her a few times, like the desperate ass I had become, but I’d gotten a bunch of bullshit one-word replies.
Frustrated, I collapsed into my seat, not even bothering to take out my laptop. I understood she was freaked-out. We’d crossed an unspoken line. Hell, I was freaking out. I pressed my palms into my eyes and released a strangled groan.
My head had been assaulting me with images from Thursday night. Every touch, feel, gasp had been playing on repeat. Hell, she was infiltrating my dreams in the best ways possible. When her mouth found mine, everything started clicking into place.
I called Rocky first thing Friday morning and told him all bets were off. No more fake dating, no more PR stunts. He could get one of the other guys to do it. He went into a rant about how getting into a relationship now would be stupid. But it was too fucking late.
Sid had slipped her way into my life and infiltrated my thoughts. It was in the little things, like when she laughed with her entire body, making everyone around her laugh too, or how she tapped her foot to a silent beat during class. The way she bit her pencil and tucked her hair behind her ear while concentrating or her overwhelming love of coffee and strawberry milkshakes. She was intoxicating.
Everything that encompassed her had sucked me in for weeks, and I wasn’t even trying to resist the pull anymore. I craved her even in my sleep, waking up wishing I could recapture the dream. I didn’t just imagine her grinding herself against me. She was right there with me on the edge. I closed my eyes at the picture and let out a low groan. The way she responded to my every touch made everything ten times hotter.
Therein lies why she was MIA. She knew I knew what was up.
I didn’t understand how she was able to resist this pull between us. I was barely able to be near her without pinning her to the wall and kissing the shit out of her.
I’d replayed her words that night, over and over.
“I’m not going to fall in love with you when you have to leave.”
The truth of her words had wrapped me up for days. We both knew I was a horrible bet. Countless women would jump at the chance of being Jax Ryder’s girlfriend, but they didn’t get me like she did. All they wanted was a piece of fame and money. Fisting my hand in my hair, I looked back at Professor Carter. I might as well not be here for how little I was paying attention.
His voice droned on, “The connections formed…” Pulling out my laptop, I took notes for the two of us. She might be freaking out enough to skip class to get away from our new reality, but I wouldn’t let her fall behind because of it.
Sid was apprehensive about being involved with a pro athlete. I needed to show her I was worth the risk because I knew that she was worth it. There was something special here. Maybe the heartache was inevitable, but not meeting this head-on to see how it played out would be a regret we’d hold for a lifetime.
I was jolted from my thoughts when a slim hand with long red nails reached over my desk. When I followed the arm up to its owner, I found a bubbly brunette with bright red fuck-me lips tipped up at the side, sitting in the seat directly in front of my desk.
“So, where’s Sarah?” Her voice was soft, breathy, almost alluring, but it left a sour taste in my mouth.
“It’s Sid. Sidney to you.”
“She’s been hogging all of your time.” She shifted closer, expecting my attention.
I turned my head toward the professor and iced her out. It didn’t take long for her to gasp. Like she couldn’t believe I would ignore her. Believe it.
She was huddled with her friends, and words traveled up to me even though she spoke softly. “He’s a stuck-up, soon-to-be washed-up hockey player. I can’t believe I was going to waste my time.” Her voice held a defensive edge, and she was covering it up with her ridiculous statement.
I leaned over my desk so I could speak near her ear, and her sharp intake of breath filled the air. She leaned back toward me, a blush trailing up her throat, and her chest was immobile, waiting for my words.
I made sure to speak loud enough for her friends to hear. “Don’t lie. We both know you would kill for me to waste my time with you.” I pulled back from her and left that to sink in.
She huffed when she realized I wasn’t coming on to her. Instead of bitching that Sid was brushing me off, I could’ve taken her up on her offer, but even the idea of it turned my stomach.
“Fuck.” I slammed my helmet into my locker. I’d played like shit at practice, and I’d be lucky if the coach didn’t bench me for it. The guys were giving me looks, but no one was stupid enough to comment. I hadn’t played this badly since I’d tried to start with the flu. My brain had been all kinds of fucked-up, and there was only one person who could fix it.
I stripped out of my gear and dragged my ass to the shower, where I stayed under the endless hot water, letting it pelt against my skin. This girl fucked me up. I turned off the tap, wrapping my towel around myself, and headed to my locker.
“What the hell happened out there?” a voice asked from around the corner.
I nearly tackled the guy before realizing it was Lucas. “You gotta fucking death wish? It was just an off night.”
He ignored me. “So, what are you going to do about your Sidney problem?” His normal sarcasm was missing from his voice.
Of course, the nosey bastard couldn’t stay out of it. I rubbed both hands over my face and let a long breath out. “I don’t know. I really don’t know.”
He stood next to my locker, his voice serious. “You ever think you might love her?”
My gaze snapped to his, and my breath whooshed out of me. I closed my eyes and pulled on my hair until my scalp hurt, hating the words I was about to say. “Wouldn’t matter if I did. She’s been loud and clear about where this is going.”
He shook his head. “Never took you as someone who would just give up.”
That earned him a backhanded slap across his stomach.
“Oomph.” He gave me a disbelieving look. “What the hell was that for?”
“For giving me a hard fucking time.”
He rubbed his stomach and turned away from me. “Whatever, man, but if I were you, I’d be fighting for that.”
Intrusive thoughts tried to seep into my mind, and I dragged my hand over my face, working out my frustration. Sid’s unwillingness to try was a constant presence in my thoughts. I knew she was off to start a big career, and our schedules would be a fucking disaster. But knowing how I felt and what I would give to be with her, I couldn’t understand why she didn’t want to risk it. There was something I didn’t know, something more stopping this that she hadn’t told me.
I pushed the thoughts down and suppressed them the best I could. An overwhelming need to get away took over me, and I grabbed my bag, leaving without saying goodbye.
It was impossible to change everything that was happening. I knew that, but damn, what Lucas said sounded good. If I could just convince her to let go a little, to be open to the idea of reaching out into the unknown. The hope slipped from my chest, knowing asking her to be with me wouldn’t be fair. Her plans for her future didn’t align with mine, and I’d be a conceited asshole not to understand that.