I stiffened when he sat on the bed, but he pulled me to him, sliding me over his lap to the other side of him. My legs remained draped over his, and my body was tucked into his chest.
I tried not to dwell on the normalcy of being here like this. There was nothing changing our future. We were two trains heading toward each other until their inevitable crash. Unable to stop, no matter how hard they break, the impact leaving the wreckage of us. My chest ached at the thought.
Sensing my emotions, he gently guided my eyes to his. He placed a light kiss between my brows and moved back, eyes boring into mine. “It’ll be worth it, Sid. Whatever it is you’re thinking, it’s worth it.”
I cuddled deeper, knowing that no matter what was coming, there was no getting off this track. I just hoped he understood what it would cost us.
He tilted my head, waiting until my eyes met his. “What’s going on in that head of yours?”
“I like you.” I tried to shrug nonchalantly, but I ruined it by looking away.
His chest pressed against my side as he took a deep breath. “I see… I like you too.” His fingers brushed over mine, and I tightened my jaw, suppressing the urge to entwine them.
“So… what exactly is the issue?” His voice was raw and hesitant.
“You know in movies where they do this ‘let’s just be friends’ thing?”
His brows furrowed, but he nodded.
“Well, everyone knows that doesn’t end well. They end up catching feelings and spend the whole time pretending they didn’t until they inevitably end up together.”
“We can skip all that bullshit in the middle.”
My throat burned as I pushed out the words. “Except we can’t because we won’t end up together, and developing feelings for you and then trying to pretend that we’re friends after sounds horrible to me.”
He swallowed and nodded. “You think if we have sex that you’ll develop deeper feelings?”
“Pretty much,” I said, giving him a quick nod, still not meeting his gaze.
His fingers traced my jaw as he lifted my face. Pausing, he waited until my eyes met his. “Yeah, well, me too. I’m not exactly following here.”
“Jax, you’re going to Boston. I’m so happy for you… but can’t wait around for you to pop in and out of my life. I can’t live like that.”
“So, what you’re telling me is”—he pointed back and forth between us—“when I leave, it’s done? Is that what you’re saying?”
Pain radiated from my chest, and I looked up into his sad eyes, nodding.
“I get right now. Then it’s over?” His voice grew aggravated. “You’ve got to be kidding me, Sid.”
“Jax, you have to know this won’t work.” I put conviction in my voice that I didn’t feel and had to remind myself that I had years of history backing my decision up. Years of coming in second.
“Don’t make assumptions of what I fucking know. I’m willing to try. I’m telling you I fucking want you, Sid. Not just right now.”
I sucked in a raspy breath, trying to blink away the tears threatening to form. “I can’t do that. I just can’t.”
Jax raked his hands through his hair and stared at the ceiling before meeting my gaze. “Fine. We’re together. We stop fucking pretending that we don’t care. Eat it up, go full out, and when school ends, it’s over. No texts on birthdays, invites to parties, no checking up. Total radio silence.” Jax’s voice was charged with anger, but it was sliced with pain like the words burned as he said them. His rough, calloused fingers brushed over mine before raising them to palm my face. His eyes were filled with agony as he said, “Will being with me until I leave hurt more? That damage was already done, whether you say the words or not.”
I went to object, but his words cut me off.
“If I can’t have forever, please don’t take away right now.”
My mouth wobbled as I stared up into his eyes. I went to speak, but the words wouldn’t come out. I nodded my head without looking away.
“You’re fucking killing me.” He stared at the wall for several beats before his eyes met mine. “We can do that, Sidney, but the cost will be all of you now.”
His mouth crashed against mine, and I met him in desperation. For weeks now, I’d been waiting for this. I pushed it down but was unable to stop the fire. His mouth nipped mine, and a sharp desire flickered through me all the way to my core. I moaned as his lips continued to my ear, licking the sensitive shell and sucking on the soft bottom lobe. Strong hands gripped my hips as he lifted me over his lap, settling my legs so I straddled him. We were chest to chest, and my hands moved up his body, feeling each of his muscles contract at my touch. Digging my fingers into his thick hair, I dragged his mouth to mine.
He broke the kiss to remove my shirt, and his breath hitched, seeing my bra-less breasts. A deep raspy groan rumbled through him as he leaned back, taking me in.
“You’re mine.” Jax’s voice was rough, and his gaze roamed over me. “Do you understand that?” His grip tightened on my jaw, forcing my gaze to his. “I know because I’m yours.”
Eyes searching mine, he waited for my nod of agreement before capturing my mouth with his.
We devolved into desperate touches, trying to soothe the insistent pull between us. The electric current always present had multiplied tenfold since the first touch of our lips, as if it knew it was close to what it wanted most. It was driving an overwhelming need to touch, feel, taste. Lips dragging, teeth biting, tongues stroking, mouths gasping for breath. I rocked myself against his hard length through our clothes, trying to get closer, to ease the ache. A thrill went through me at his quick intake of air.
My needy hands yanked Jax’s shirt over his head, and my breath caught as I took in his tattooed chest and the dual ravens covering his pecs. He roughly yanked me against him, and we both groaned as his hard-muscled chest pressed flush against my breasts.
“Sidney—”
My head tipped back as his heat seeped into my bones. As if driven mad to taste every inch of me, he took advantage of the angle, searing a greedy trail of open-mouth kisses up my neck. My mouth opened in a silent cry, and a shiver flew through me as he ran the tip of his tongue over the curve of my neck. I hissed as his teeth clamped down. Whispering his approval, he banded his strong arm around me as he leaned me back for easier access. He made a wet trail of kisses from the hollow of my throat down to my sternum, and my skin prickled as his rough, calloused hands cupped my breasts, weighing them. He murmured something unintelligible before squeezing them into each other. I swallowed down my breath in anticipation of his next touch.
His mouth dipped in low, grazing my skin. The warmth of his breath fanned over my sensitive, exposed breast. He paused until I squirmed in his lap. Slowly, his tongue reached out, lapping along the seam between them, and he hummed at the back of his throat. My skin burned from the contact, radiating outward through me, and each lick sent a mental picture of what he’d do to my core. He pulled back, lips curving on one side in a sinister smile as he took in my naked chest. “Fuck.” His voice was rough and breathy.