I did not miss Paul the boyfriend.
I wanted to run for the hills from that handsy, possessive bastard.
The only time I seemed to meet the former version of Paul was when we were on the outs.
Only then did he show me affection, take interest in what I had to say, and most importantly of all, treat me with respect.
When he was that version of himself, he was a pretty great guy.
The only problem was that great guy disappeared the minute he slapped a girlfriend label on my forehead.
The minute I had given him what he wanted, the controlling, self-absorbed asshole resurfaced.
Furious with myself for not holding firm but letting him sweettalk me back into a half-hearted relationship, I fought his shitty behavior at every hand’s turn. I knew deep down that I needed to woman up and end it for good, and to hell with the consequences. Because being stuck in this limbo, waiting around for things to change was making me miserable.
Paul’s latest display of assholeness, and the issue that I was currently fuming over, was the fact that there was one rule for me in our relationship and an entirely different one for him.
Flipping out at every hand’s turn if I so much as smiled too long at one of the lads in class, he had no problem doing the same with girls.
The double standards and hypocrisy set my teeth on edge.
He didn’t believe me when I told him that I wasn’t messing around behind his back, but I was supposed to turn right around and swallow every bullshit line he fed me when another rumor about him arose.
This morning, for example, Casey heard from Mack, who heard from Dricko and Sam, that Paul had been seen hooking up with some girl from Tommen College when we were on our break.
When I confronted him about the rumor, he swore it was lies, which led us to our current predicant.
I didn’t know what to believe anymore, but if it was true, I knew that I would respect him more if he would just be honest.
This latest rumor almost felt like the final nail in the coffin for our relationship. If Paul was sneaking around kissing other girls, and I was holding onto my heart for dear life, too afraid to part with it for fear of missing out on a never-was never-will-be relationship with Joey, then we were doomed.
Therefore, it was safe to say that I was coming to the conclusion that I would be better off alone.
Deep down in my heart of hearts, I knew that my giving into giving our relationship another shot had a lot more to do with the hoe-bag who was supposed to be sitting next to me than any of Paul’s apologetic proclamations.
And when I said hoe-bag, I meant Joey.
After our parting of ways at the disco that night, he had wholeheartedly thrown himself into contention for the school slut award.
Unlike before, when he seemed to have a little class and discretion about his conquests. Since that night, he didn’t seem to give a damn about who was watching.
Or that I was watching.
In the weeks that followed since the Halloween disco, we had resumed our comfortable little routine of throwing shade and exchanging banter.
Joey literally never brought up what had almost happened, and acted like nothing had so convincingly, that I sometimes wondered if I dreamt the whole thing up.
I knew I hadn’t, though.
The image of him kissing our classmate was scored on the inside of my eyes.
According to the rumor mill at school, Joey and Danielle had slept together the night of the Halloween disco.
Well, I suppose comparing ‘fucking each other’s brains out against a brick wall at the back of the GAA Pavilion’ to sleeping together was a bit of a stretch.
What I had felt when I first heard about it was worse than bitterness.
It had almost felt like heartbreak.
Rumors had continued to circle through the halls at BCS, horrible, vicious rumors about how they regularly hooked up. Rumors which shredded me every time they came my way.
Sick with jealousy every time I had to endure watching her fawn and paw at him during class, I didn’t even try to fight the murderous feeling that ignited inside of my chest when I saw them together.
Because the truth of the matter was that I felt something for him.
Something I shouldn’t, and something that definitely wasn’t good for me.
But I still felt it.
To Joey’s credit, and contrary to the rumors, he was explicitly tight-lipped. He might have been a fuck boy, but at least he didn’t run his mouth, which meant that however far they had gone that night was never going to be confirmed on his end.
In fact, he treated her no differently to how he always had.
He was the same slightly aloof, a little flirty, and a whole lot of pissed-off Joey.
And while our friendship had remained reasonably intact since Halloween, I couldn’t hide my hesitance – or my hurt.
Witnessing him share one kiss with another girl had both crippled and alerted me to the fact that I needed to stop.
Stop wishing.
Stop hoping.
Stop wondering.
Stop willing.
I needed to just stop when it came to this boy.
The realization that Joey could indeed inflict some serious carnage on my heart had me pushing down every feeling that tried to burrow its way to the surface.
Determined to move past my weird infatuation with my classmate, I avoided the places I knew I might run into him outside of school and kept my wits about me when I was in his presence.
Reconciling with Paul had been a lot easier when I had such a bitter taste in my mouth. Besides, he might say the wrong thing sometimes, but at least I didn’t need to worry about Paul decimating his brain cells with every drug known to mankind.
He couldn’t hurt me like that.
Only one person had the ability to do that.
A shadow fell over my desk then, followed by a pair of perfectly manicured hands as they landed on my desk. “Where’s Joey?”
“Hello to you, too, Danielle.”
“Sorry.” She blushed and offered me an embarrassed smile. “I meant to say hi.”
Not bothering to answer her, I resumed my post of doodling in my homework journal, drawing cute little spider webs, while I waited for our teacher to show up.
“Do you know where he is?” she asked in a much more persuasive tone. “He sits with you for history, doesn’t he?”
“He sure does.”
“So, where is he?”
“Joey’s not here right now, but I can take a message and see that he gets it.” I rolled my eyes and gestured to his empty seat. “Come on. Danielle. How the hell am I supposed to know? I’m not his keeper.”
“I’m sorry, I just thought you would know since you guys are—“
“Friends,” I filled in dryly. “Well, I don’t know.” Lies. “I have no idea where he is.” More lies.
“He didn’t come back to class after big lunch.”
No shit, Sherlock. “I don’t know what to tell you.” Except that she need only take a gander around the back of the sheds to find lover boy. No doubt that’s where he would be, along with Rambo, Dricko, Alec, and all of the other potheads in our year. “He’ll show up when he shows up.”
“But this is our last class of the day.”
Nothing gets past you, does it? “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Perfectly timed, the man of the moment himself decided to stroll into the classroom, and I didn’t need to look at his eyes to know that he was high as a kite. The smell of weed coming off his uniform was strong enough to give me a buzz.