"I’m grand, Shan." Reeling off the sentence of a lifetime, when the truth was that I hadn't been okay since the day I was born, I lifted Sean off my lap, and climbed out of bed, pulling on a pair of sweats as I moved.
Today was Monday; the first day back to school after the summer holidays. No matter how bad any of us felt, staying in this house instead of going to school was not an option.
Fuck that.
Aching in parts of my body I never knew existed, I shoved the dresser aside before unlocking the door.
Inhaling a steadying breath, I quickly yanked open the door before the child inside of me persuaded me to hide under my blanket with the rest of them.
Grow a pair of balls, you prick, I mentally urged myself, as I stepped into the landing, ready to face both the unknown and the inevitable.
The empty landing didn’t ease my trepidation one damn bit, because I knew he was still there.
Still in the house.
Like a dark cloud hanging over all of us, but worse.
So much fucking worse.
Loud snoring drifted from behind their locked bedroom door, accompanied by muffled sobbing, and my blood ran cold.
Freezing on the mortal spot, I fought the urge to run to her. To burst through that door and throw my arms around her.
I wanted to protect her from him almost as much as I wanted to protect me from her.
"Well?" Glancing behind me, I found four wide-eyed faces watching me from the doorway of my bedroom. "Is he gone?"
Adrenalin spiking, and with heat that bordered on lava coursing through my veins, I pushed down the swell of emotion that threatened to break me, to make me weak like her. "No, he's still here."
"He is?"
"Yeah, he's in her bed."
Their faces fell, just like my heart, but again, I pushed it down, needing to get us the fuck out of this house more than I needed to wallow.
"Right, everyone, go back to your own rooms and get yourselves sorted. Wash up and get your uniforms on. I packed the lunches last night; they’re in the fridge so don’t forget to pack them in your bags,” I began to order, knowing that if I didn’t, nothing in the house would get done. “Nanny will be here to take Sean and drop you boys to school, and Shan, we’ll walk together."
“Okay, Joe.”
“Oh, and when I say wash up, I mean clean your ears as well as your teeth, boys," I instructed before stalking into the bathroom for a more likely than not, frigid cold shower.
With the bathroom door slammed shut behind me, I stood in front of the mirror and clutched the rim of the sink, allowing my eyes to assess the damage.
Grimacing at the sight of my swollen face, I forced myself to take a good fucking look.
Black eye.
Bruised cheekbone.
Busted lip.
I couldn't decide what was worse; the fact that I couldn’t hide the bruises or the fact that I couldn’t stop him from putting them there.
Reaching for the tin that I kept hidden behind the back of the sink, I flipped the lip off and quickly set to work cutting and then snorting a line of coke, feeling some semblance of control return to my body when my head began to function again, and my heart began to thud harder.
Rubbing a hand down my face, I exhaled a sigh of relief before kicking off my clothes and climbing into the shower, willing the water to wash away my sins.
To wash away my pain.
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“I don’t want to go, Joe,” Shannon mumbled, as I practically dragged her ass to school. “Please. It’ll be the same this year.”
“No, it won’t,” I lied through my teeth and told her. “You’re in second year now. It’ll be better.”
“I really don’t think I can do it.”
“Well, I know you can.”
“You do?”
“Yeah,” I told her. “I promise.”
She looked up at me with her big blue eyes. “You really promise?”
She had our mother’s eyes and it made it hard to look at her sometimes.
“I promise, Shan.”
She smiled and visibly sagged in relief.
The word seemed to comfort something inside of my sister, even if we both knew that I didn’t mean it.
She needed the word, and I was more than willing to give it to her if it meant that she was out of the house and away from our father.
“I still can’t believe you let somebody do that to your skin,” she offered then, reaching over to touch the black ink covering my forearm. “It’s so permanent.”
Shrugging, I resisted the urge to tell her that the intricate hoops and swivels permanently etched on my forearm helped conceal the huge permanent scar our father had put there when he took a broken bottle to us last Christmas, after too many whiskeys at the dinner table.
There was no point in reminding Shannon of something she was very much aware of. Especially since she was the one who had spent the entire ride to the hospital keeping pressure on my arm, to stop me from bleeding out.
I was just glad it had been my arm and not her face that he maimed – like I had a feeling he had been aiming for.
“You’re not a fan?”
She scrunched her nose up. “Not at all, I think tattoos are hideous; although, I have to admit that the Celtic crucifix on your back isn’t entirely terrible.”
“Is that a compliment I hear?” I teased, elbowing her playfully. “Come on, you can say it. ‘Joey, my favorite, most amazing, most devastatingly good-looking brother, I love your tattoo’。”
“Fine, it’s a nice tattoo.” Chuckling, she pushed me back and then hurried to catch up with me, her short legs slowing her down. “There, I said it. Are you happy now?”
“I didn’t quite hear that.” Wrapping an arm around her shoulders, I gently rustled her hair with my knuckles. “Say it.”
“Fine, fine,” Shannon squealed through fits of laughter. “Joey, my favorite, most amazing—"
“Don’t forget the most devastatingly good-look brother. That’s the best part.”
“Most in love with himself and vainest brother,” she corrected me with a laugh. “And I love your tattoo – even if it does take up half of your back.”
“Good enough,” I teased, releasing her from my hold.
“You’re such a dope,” she giggled, nudging me again with her elbow.
I didn’t care what she thought about me as long as she wasn’t thinking about how scared she was to go to school.
Her smile was rare, but I was proud to be able to put it there, even after the night from hell we’d been put through.
“It’ll be okay, won’t it, Joe?” she asked then, as the school came into sight. “When it’s all over and done with.” She sucked in a sharp breath before whispering, “When we’re grown up and gone from this town, we’ll get our happy ending, won’t we?”
“Yeah, Shan,” I replied, hitching my bag up on my shoulder. “You’re going to have an epic happy ending.”
“So are you, Joe,” she replied softly. “I just know it.”
It was at that exact moment my eyes landed on the leggy blonde leaning against the school entrance, with a grey beanie hat covering her ridiculously long hair, and a lollypop between her pursed lips.