She shakes her head. “I would never do anything to hurt her.”
I nod. “I know.”
Maddison clears her throat quietly. “Would you… like to hold her?”
“I’d like that. Very much,” Mom responds. She walks over to her carrier and gazes down at Olive, still asleep. “God, she’s just such a tiny little thing. She’s beautiful.”
“That’s all her mama,” I agree.
“I see a lot of you in her too, Briggs. She has your nose.”
Maddison reaches down and gets Olive out of her seat, stroking her cheek as she opens her eyes, sleepily, and gazes up at her with wide green eyes that she definitely did get from her mother.
Once she’s fully awake, Maddison transfers her into my mom’s arms.
“Hi Olive, I’m your grandma, but you can call me, Mimi.” She looks up at Maddison and me. “Is that okay?”
Maddison nods. “Yes. My grandmother is Grams.”
Mom rocks Olive in her arms then brings her fingers to her belly and tickles her gently until she giggles.
“Thank you, both of you, for bringing her to meet me. I want to be a part of her life.”
“And you can be, Mom, I’m just I’m not ready to reconcile with Beau, and I don’t want to feel pressured to do so. If I do decide to speak to him, I want it to be on my terms and not like I’m being forced to.”
“I understand.”
The front door slams shut, and seconds later, my father is walking through the living room. In the three years since I’ve seen him, he’s aged. I guess we both have.
In the last three years, I’ve changed. I’m not the same man I was when I walked out those doors, and fuck… I’m proud of it. I walked through hell and have the scars to prove it.
I remember a specific night where I drank probably two fifths of whiskey, was shitfaced out of my mind. I could barely even stand on my own two feet and I picked a fight at a bar.
Don’t get me wrong, I knew even before I did it that I didn’t stand a chance of walking out of there. That’s why I did it. I was so numb to everything, so completely shut down to the world that I wanted to do anything to… feel something. And picking a fight with a dude even bigger than I was and getting my ass kicked? Well, that’s the kind of thing I would feel.
I got arrested that night, spent the entire night in the drunk tank, sobering up. Only when the alcohol wore off, did I really feel. I had a few broken ribs, probably could’ve gotten some stitches, hell, I probably even had a concussion.
But the thing that hurt the most? It wasn’t the fact that I got the shit beat out of me. It was the look of disappointment in my father’s eyes. I never forgot it. Even now, I can still feel it.
I can still see it in his eyes.
It was the straw that broke the camel’s back. He told me that night he was done, done watching me destroy my life and fuck up “the only good thing I ever did” meaning, my hockey career.
He wasn’t wrong.
But…through all of that, he saw what I went through and never once did he stray from Beau’s side. He stood by him and left me to pick up the pieces of my life on my own.
I wasn’t sure I could ever forgive him for that, but I'm here, and I put the first foot forward.
“Dad,” I say.
“Son.”
He looks at Mom still rocking Olive in her arms then back at me.
“What’s going on?”
“This is my daughter, Olive, and my girlfriend, Maddison.”
I have to give it to him, the look of shock on his face is almost as strong as his look of disappointment.
My father has always been stoic. A man of few words, and even less affection. Since I was little, it’s always felt like a competition with my brother for his love, and honestly… it’s exhausting.
“How’d this happen?” he says, shoving his hands into the pockets of his jeans. He’s wearing a Wolves jersey, my brother’s baseball team.
Always his biggest fan. That’ll never change.
“Does it really matter? She’s my daughter, and I’m extending a proverbial olive branch to you if you want to be a part of her life.”
My father scoffs. “You think you can just erase everything that’s happened in the past three years? How you’ve embarrassed our family and for all the shit you’ve done?”
“Jason!” my mother hisses.
I hold my hand up. “No, let him,” I tell her.
“You haven't as much as shown your face at this house since that day, Briggs, you can’t just waltz back in here and expect everyone to bow at your feet. Daughter or not.”
He says it so flippantly, so without emotion, that it makes me want to put my fist through a wall. But I won’t. Because, unlike him, I have changed.
I’m a better man, and Olive has made me that way.
“I don’t expect anything from you.”
He shakes his head. “I knew this moment would come, and quite frankly, you should be ashamed of yourself for putting your mother through what you have.”
I let him continue, let him get it all off his chest, but I walk over and gently take Olive from my mom’s arms, then begin putting her back into her car seat. I wish I wouldn’t have come in the first place and subjected Maddison or Olive to this shitshow.
Rising, I take one last look at my father. “Do you know what I’m ashamed of? It’s that even after all this time, you’re still the same person you always were. I feel sorry for you.”
With that, I turn on my heel and wrench the front door open, walking down the stairs before I say something that I truly will regret.
It turns out that staying away from this house for the last three years was the best decision I ever made. Not just for myself, but for the man I want to be. The truth is, I didn’t need my father’s validation, hell, I don’t need or want his approval or his love. What I needed was to know that I’m a better man than I used to be, and that after all of this, I can live with the person that I’ve become.
I can’t say the same for him, and today was the final nail on an already sealed coffin.
What I can say now is that I’m better off without him.
Twenty Nine
Love is a non-discriminating emotion.
It doesn’t matter whether you’re prepared for it or not; it comes in and knocks you clear off your feet.
I’d know. I realized in this moment, watching the man I’m head over heels in love with, have his heart broken by his own father, that I’d do anything in the world to make sure he never felt that way again.
Maybe that’s what makes me brave. Gives me the courage to do something I’d probably never do before now. The sheer rage pumping through my veins after witnessing what I did.
I’m halfway to the door before I spin around, my fists clenched at my sides.
“If there’s anyone who should be ashamed, it’s you.”
His father’s jaw drops momentarily before he quickly closes it and goes to speak, but I’m not done, I’m not anywhere near done.
“Do you even know that man out there?” I point toward the driveway with a trembling finger. I’m shaking so badly; I can hardly keep my teeth from chattering. Adrenaline has taken over, helping me feed off the rage I feel. “Do you even know your own son? Or do you think you know the man he used to be? You’re so blinded by whatever hate or hurt you’re holding on to, that you can’t see the amazing son you have. He is kind, and selfless, and compassionate. He’s the best father in the world, and he’s the best man I’ve ever known. Everything he does, he thinks about us first. Whatever decision he’s making. He’s stepped up and done everything in his power to be the best dad that he can to that little girl, and you should be ashamed of yourself for throwing his past in his face. The great thing about people? They have the power to change. Not only themselves but the future.”