“Poor fella, he ain’t got two words to rub together,” Niall said, shaking his head sadly. “Ain’t that right, big man? Yer a good boy though, aren’t ya? Do you want a snack?” He took a protein bar from his pocket. “Here ya go, keep those muscles nice and big now to protect my Spider.” He tossed Jack the bar and it hit him in the face before dropping into the mud. Jack didn’t even flinch.
“How about I try and tell the joke?” I said, tugging on Jack’s loose fitting tank top before turning to the others again. “There was a bit about a ferret, I think. Ferrets being ferrety, or…dammit, I can’t tell it right. Oh no,” I gasped, remembering the ferret fact I’d learned earlier and my throat closed up, my mood plummeting out of the sky like an airplane that had been hit by a missile.
“The lady ferrets and their horny deaths,” I whispered as my lower lip wobbled.
“C’mere.” Niall reached for me and I let him take me from Jack’s arms, scooping me against his chest as he walked inside and Mateo looked down at me over his shoulder.
“Can we round up all the lady ferrets who don’t have husbands and find them their mates?” I asked Mateo. “We could make an app.”
“I’m not sure that would work, mi sol,” he said gravely and Niall shot a glare at him as I let out a wail.
“Shut up, Mateo. Get workin’ on that app right this fuckin’ second,” Niall commanded, but Mateo just kept following us to the lounge where Niall laid me on the couch.
I rested the back of my hand to my forehead, hiccups of woe leaving me as the three of them came closer and started pulling off my wet clothes. I kept sobbing even when Niall stripped off his own t-shirt and tugged it over my head and Mateo tucked a snuggly blanket around me.
“Can we get you something?” Mateo asked as he pushed my hair behind my ears.
“I need chocolate,” I sniffed as I curled up like a cat. “And a hot water bottle, and a lump of fresh bread, and some Coco Pops, and a glass of milk, and some nuts to nibble on – not stupid almonds though, they don’t even count as a nut – oh, and I want a magazine about gardening to soothe my mind, and I want someone to read it to me in a German accent as that’s the most soothing accent of all. And I’d like a doughnut with cherry filling and some sprinkles on it, and I’d like a coconut. Not to eat, just an emotional support coconut. And I want a surprise gift. A really good one. And then I want a big hug from all of you while we watch that Disney movie with that person who’s stuck working and working and working, and then they realise they can live out their dreams instead.”
“Cinderella?” Mateo guessed and I shook my head with a frown.
“You know the one. Where they get to go out at night doing all the things they really want to do, but they can’t tell anyone.”
“The Incredibles?” Mateo guessed again.
“Nooo.” I threw my head back against the cushion behind me with a huff.
“Oh, you mean American Psycho,” Niall realised and I perked up.
“Yes! That one. With the stabby man living his dreams,” I said with a grin.
“Alright then.” Niall turned to Jack. “Get the telly on, big fella, and get her a hot water bottle, el burro. I’ll make a call to organise the rest.” He headed away upstairs while Jack moved to set up the movie and Mateo walked off into the kitchen.
I snuggled deeper into my blanket and after a few minutes, dreamland called to me and I slipped away into a lovely snooze.
***
“Little psycho,” Niall’s voice carried to me from afar, his fingers prodding into my side. “Wakey, wakey.”
I growled, burying my head deeper into my blanket and jerking every time he prodded me.
“I think we should let her sleep,” Mateo said.
“Nonsense, she’ll wanna see what I got her.” Niall prodded me again and I cracked an eye open as he drew the blanket away from my face. He shook a shoebox at me and wiggled his eyebrows. “I got ya yer surprise.”
I realised my head was now resting on Jack’s lap and I yawned as I pushed myself upright, eyeing the box curiously.
“It better be worth ruining my nap for, Hellfire,” I said, narrowing my eyes at him.
“I’d say it is.” He brushed his knuckles over my cheek and I lunged for the box in his other hand, but he held it out of my reach, chuckling as he enjoyed teasing me.
“Kiss me and I’ll give it to ya,” he said, leaning forward and I let him take a kiss from me, his tongue sinking between my lips which I decided to bite when he took too much time.
“Fuck,” he jerked back, bringing his fingers to his tongue and blood marked them when he pulled them away. “Ya little psycho,” he growled like he’d enjoyed that.
Mateo appeared with a hot water bottle and moved to take the one that was already in my lap, swapping it over.
“Thank you, Dead Man,” I breathed and he smirked darkly at me before sitting at my side.
Jack played with my hair as I reached for the box in Niall’s grip again, and this time he gave it to me. I ripped into it like an animal and took out the gift from inside, finding a black gavel with a gold band around it alongside a wooden block for hitting.
“I told ya I’d get ya one,” Niall said with a wide smile.
“I love it!” I squealed then Niall offered up a bag of goodies to me full of all the things I’d asked for. I took out my emotional support coconut and balanced it on Jack’s thigh as I rifled through the things until I found what I needed most. My chocolate. I tore into the wrapper with my teeth and took a huge bite, moaning as the sweet goodness rolled over my tongue.
“Thank you,” I sighed, eating a few more bites of it before jumping up from my nest and leaping onto the coffee table with my gavel and block in hand. “Now I want to make some new laws! Firstly, I’m officially outlawing the word moist in this house. It’s icky and no one needs to use it ever again on pain of death.” I held the block in the opposite hand to my gavel then struck it with a bang that made the new law official.
“Death,” Jack laughed and the deep tenor of the sound gave me the shivers.
“Yup. Death!” I cried as Niall dropped down onto my seat and hugged my hot water bottle to his chest. Mateo shifted away from him with a moody expression on his face, but found he couldn’t get far as Brutus jumped up to sit beside him with a low snarl.
“My next law is that all Pops in this house are officially under my rule. On pain of death!” I hit the block again.
“Now wait a minute-” Niall started, but I talked over him.
“Another rule is that when I take my morning poop, I want coconut smelling toilet paper for wiping. The good stuff, the thick and yummy stuff so I can sniff it while I poop – on pain of death!” I struck the block again.
“You’d better put another order in then, bastardo. Or don’t, then I’ll watch Brooklyn murder you over her morning shit.” Mateo sniggered at Niall.
“But if I kill Hellfire, I’ll have to kill myself remember, Dead Man?” I said sweetly and his snigger stuttered out.
“Whatever, I’ll get her the toilet paper, but let’s circle back to the Pops.” Niall turned to me again. “You don’t have the jurisdiction to make laws on my Pops.”