“No way. I don’t date much . . . I mean, I could if I wanted to. I just don’t have the time. Or the energy. But no, I don’t date soldiers, ever. Like you said, what’s the point if they’re always gone and can die at any moment?”
Kael stared at me, our eyes touching in some odd sort of agreement. He was a soldier who didn’t allow intimacy into his life, and I was a messy twenty-year-old who hardly knew what intimacy meant, with a promise to never date a soldier. Problem solved. Not that there was a problem to begin with, but now I knew that I could truly tell this stranger anything, since he would always be that: a stranger.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
Elodie was asleep on the couch, her small body sprawled out at awkward angles. I sat my purse down on the floor, kicked my shoes off, and covered her with her favorite blanket. Her grandmother had made it for her when she was a kid. The stitching was really worn now, almost threadbare, but she slept with it every day. Her grandma had passed a few years back; Elodie cried every time she talked about her.
I wondered if she missed her family. She was literally on the other side of the globe from them and pregnant, with a husband away at war. She didn’t talk much about missing the life she had before becoming an Army wife. She didn’t mention her parents much, but I got the impression they weren’t keen on her running away to the U.S. with a young soldier she’d met on the internet.
I couldn’t say I blamed them. Elodie moved a little when I turned off the TV.
“Did you want to watch that?” I asked Kael. He was so quiet I forgot he was even here. I also forgot that he would be sleeping over at my house. He was holding the pie I’d brought back for Elodie that I had neglected to bring in from the car.
“No, it’s cool. Where should I put this?” he asked, looking down at his full hands.
Oh, this man of many words.
I continued, “Um, the fridge is fine.”
He walked through my house, boots off but full uniform still on.
“Do you need clothes to sleep in?” I asked. We were both in the kitchen now.
“I’ll get the rest of my stuff tomorrow.”
“I have some of my brother’s clothes here if you need something—”
“I’m fine. I’ve slept in this many times.” He pulled at the tan camouflage jacket.
Kael and I were only feet apart. His dark eyes were focused on me. I waited, thinking he had something to say, but no words came. Just those eyes reading my face. I was so tired that I barely had the strength to hide it. I felt like crying as he stared at me, though I had no idea why. The kitchen felt so small and I felt so weak; the pressure of being around my dad and Estelle for hours after a long day at work had worn me out.
“You okay?” Kael’s voice was soft, just enough to keep me standing upright.
I nodded and my eyes filled with tears. Why? What the hell is wrong with me? The more I tried to stop the tears, the more my eyes filled. I was beyond tired. Tired from working, from the stress of my bills piling up, from everything. I had forgotten that my brother was on his way and he still hadn’t called me.
“Sorry, I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” I blinked up at the dim ceiling lights. One was out. Of course it was.
“What did I tell you about ‘sorry’？” He half smiled and lifted his hand into the air between us, hesitantly petting my head.
The tears poured over at his gentle affection. He somehow knew that I needed someone to be there, to tell me things would be fine.
“Wow. I’m sor—” I stopped myself from apologizing again. He’s right, I do that a lot. Most of the women I know do.
“Almost did it again.” I smiled, pulling myself through my random meltdown in the center of the kitchen. It was a real smile. I was confused and frustrated and tired, but I wasn’t embarrassed. The thought that maybe I should be crossed my mind for only a brief moment. Embarrassment is one of the worst emotions people are forced to feel. I’ve spent my life trying to avoid it.
Abandoning his typical emotionally unavailable look, Kael offered a smile that was bigger than mine, still a tiny bit awkward but he held his composure. He had a few different levels of smiles. This one was probably a six, if I had to guess. I wondered if I would ever get to see his totally unabashed level-ten smile. Would I ever see this man full of happiness, with weightless shoulders? I shook my head at myself, forcing the thoughts into quietness.
“I’m going to go to bed. I had a really long day and I’m so tired that I’m all over the place.” I waved my hands between us, shifting the weight of my body to my left, and moved past him.
I purposely avoided eye contact and forced my gaze to follow the straight line ahead of me to my living room. I desperately hoped Elodie wasn’t awake and listening to us. She wasn’t really the sneaky type, though. She usually led with her opinions and voice. I admired it. Envied it, even.
The night sky washed over my living room, where Elodie slept. Her elbow was still bent oddly over her head and her legs were dangling off the cushion.
“Should I wake her? So you don’t have to sleep in the chair?” I turned to Kael as he stepped behind me to lock my front door. The dead bolt, too.
“I’m fine with the chair.”
He was standing close to Elodie now, staring at her face, her belly, and her face again. Her perfect porcelain skin, even with a small breakout on her forehead, looked incredibly appealing and charming. She was stunning from every angle. I hated that having Kael around made me compare myself to my best friend and feel unusually insecure. I’m not like her, but I don’t mind the way I look most days. I think I’m pretty. Mostly.
This is what boys did to us. Logically, I knew it was a me thing, not her, but it still felt like shit. Which in turn made me feel guilty for thinking anything but loving things about her. Ugh, my head spun around and around.
Kael looked at me again, trying to read my face. I always loved meeting people who read and considered others’ emotions. I’ve met only a handful of empathetic people in my entire life and definitely wasn’t expecting that characteristic from a random soldier who’s currently couch-surfing at my place.
“If you’re okay, I’m going to bed,” I reassured the both of us.
He nodded and sat down in the chair. That was his way of backing off, I could feel it.
“Do you need a blanket?” I asked from the entrance to the hallway.
“If you have one,” he said, almost under his breath.
I grabbed an old comforter from the closet and quietly brought it to him. He thanked me, and I nodded. I still felt overwhelmed, but Kael’s silent watchfulness and the quiet familiarity of my home made it easier to breathe. I crept down the hallway again and stopped at the bathroom to pee and brush my teeth. My routine made me feel like I was accomplishing something. Red flag. I was seeking approval, and according to my last therapist, that was a habit formed from my childhood. This learned behavior then turned up in my relationships, like with my ex-boyfriend Brien, and has now manifested into mostly keeping myself out of them. I washed my hands and rubbed them with lotion, then spit out my mouthwash. I’d brought a T-shirt and shorts into the bathroom, so I slipped them on and turned the light off.