When I walked out of my bedroom, I was fastening my sandals around my ankles. The heaviness of the platform made it harder to put on while moving down the hallway, but I managed by leaning against the wall. Kael was in the kitchen, sitting at the table, on his phone. He was dressed in his uniform again. Not shirtless, not jacketless, as he was last night, in the dark moonlit room with lavish purple shadows bouncing from his chest, his cheeks . . . the way his face changed as he fell asleep in this little kitchen, and I stared at him until I finally fell asleep there too. I peered into the living room to see that Elodie was still sleeping. I really didn’t understand how she slept through everything. That must be so nice. I wish my brain would allow me the liberty of napping, sleeping in, or even just the minimum of sleeping an entire night without waking up more than twice.
Kael still hadn’t looked up from his phone, and I felt my roaring confidence plummet the more he scrolled. He hadn’t yet seen me put an effort into my appearance, and for some reason, I wanted him to notice. I cleared my throat, lightly stomping my heavy sandals against the hard kitchen floor. His eyes darted up, looking at my face first, then my neck, particularly the little beaded necklace there. He looked at it intensely enough to see the K charm dangling from it.
It felt as if his eyes were studying each single bead, then he moved to the straps on my shoulders. My hand moved up to twirl the beads around, letting myself enjoy this moment. My body slowly filled with confidence again as he quickly moved his eyes to my thighs and back to my eyeline. If I was imagining all this, why did his breathing change? It felt primal, like there was a little hint of something he couldn’t control . . . . It made me feel high.
I wondered who would speak first, or if we would just stare at each other until something broke the tension. Unless I was misreading the moment. I could be inventing this: a flicker of hunger mixed with a look that bordered on desire as he homed in on my face. My lips. He licked his again. My lungs became wild, filled with hornets. My mouth was dry.
Kael stood up and I took a step away from him. I felt the need to protect myself from him, from myself. Not in a dangerous way, just in a this-won’t-end-well way. He stared at the space I put between us like it offended him. I took another step back. My hormones were out of control; this is lust. I hadn’t felt lust in my twenty years on earth. I couldn’t decide if I love or hate the feeling, but it’s definitely lust. Not a stupid crush, no false expectations of love and forever, just a physical attraction to a man. That’s it. Lust.
He finally spoke, pulling me out of the mental rabbit hole I was floating down.
“Are you going to the store now?” He didn’t look me in the eyes. I felt like he was purposely avoiding eye contact. It pissed me off. But it excited me. Lust, lust, lust. Now I see why it’s one of the seven deadly sins. It’s so distracting. And random.
I nodded while walking past him to open the fridge and drink some water before I went out in the heat. He watched me move around the room and I chugged straight from my water jug again. What was the point of acting sophisticated in front of him anyway?
“Is it cool if I come to the store with you? I don’t need much.”
Was he inviting himself to hang out with me? Why couldn’t I help but smile? I covered my mouth and cursed my dream, the one that played a big part in the way I was feeling around him this morning. Damn my vivid imagination.
I nodded again. I couldn’t say much to him, and I knew he never really had much to say to me, so we agreed to a quick shopping trip, back by nine thirty, so I could change, brush my teeth again, walk to work, and not be late.
I was searching quietly for my keys. I thought I’d put them where I always did, on the table by the couch.
“I can’t find my keys.” I rubbed my forehead. I tried my hardest not to get stressed. The more time I spent looking for the damn keys, the less shopping time I would have.
“Oh, shit. Sorry, I have them.” Kael pulled them out of his pocket and dangled them in front of his chest.
Before I could ask why on earth he had them, he started explaining. “I filled your tank up. And may have driven it to the hardware store down the street, since your porch light doesn’t work.”
I didn’t even know what to say. We made our way to the car and, sure enough, as I powered up, my gas meter went straight to the F.
“Thanks.” I struggled to look at him. “You didn’t have to do that, and I was going to replace my light.”
“You said you had to work and I was up early, so I just did it. Not a big deal.” He shrugged.
I didn’t know if it bothered me. I felt like it should bother me because I didn’t even know him, and I definitely didn’t need him to pay for my gas or change out the lightbulb on my porch. I remembered the way he seemed to be surveilling my yard as we approached the porch last night, him even grabbing the Tupperware full of dessert that I’d forgotten about. He was a soldier, after all, and they just can’t help but assess their surroundings at all times. But also, maybe, just maybe, he was a person who does kind things for other people? I hadn’t ever met someone like that, but maybe that’s what all this was and I was way overthinking it, allowing my imagination to get the best of me.
“Um, okay . . . do you have Venmo? For the gas?”
He laughed sarcastically as I continued our drive to the store. “You aren’t paying me back for a tank of gas. You were late to your dinner because of me. I won’t take the money, so there’s no point in arguing with me.” His tone wasn’t combative, it was just certain. Certain enough that I didn’t argue it.
We continued our drive, through the main gate and to the commissary; the tension from last night was gone. I sighed in relief. I was definitely just tired and borderline losing it. Today was a new day, a new Kael, and a new me. I parked and he led the way to the entry door. The sun was so bright, I had to cover my eyes.
“When will you get your clothes back?” I asked him, as we entered the crowded store.
“Not sure. I can’t get a hold of anyone.”
I wondered what that meant. Who couldn’t he get a hold of? And why were they keeping his stuff from him? A scorned ex, maybe? The thought irritated me.
The cart we had chosen had a creaky wheel that got stuck on every turn. I’d handed Kael my grocery list in the parking lot, assigning him to hold on to it.
I looked at him, pressing him to say more. “Should we go back there again? To find your keys? Maybe they’re in the parking lot. It was dark.”
“We don’t need to go back there. I’ll figure it out.”
Shit. “Okay. Don’t you need a ride to get them?”
“No. I don’t.”
I felt like we were suddenly in an argument in the cereal aisle but I’d missed what we were fighting over. He grabbed a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch and placed it in the cart. At least he had good taste in cereal. He was keeping his groceries in the seat at the front of the cart where kids usually sat while parents tried to keep them entertained and cooperative.
I ignored his rejection and kept shopping. We needed only a few things, and I was ready for our little trip to finish, since he was clearly in a bad mood. I really didn’t react well to people shutting down; it’s made me paranoid since I was young, made my mind spiral. I knew I needed to say something before my mind fully went there. I stopped walking for a second, and he halted, too.