“Well that changes things,” I instantly decided.
“People can do things that you don’t like, and you can still like them.” He paused a for a moment. “Especially fictional characters. They’re meant to make us question ourselves, aren’t they? Sometimes the shittiest ones can teach us the most. That’s the point, the balance between good and evil and all that.”
“But a Confederate soldier is . . .”
“Bad. Pretty fucking bad,” he affirmed. “But you didn’t write the thing. And you don’t like that part of the character. Just as I don’t love that main guy, Derek, from American History X. He’s an ex-Nazi and a total piece of shit, but it’s one of my favorite films and he does the right thing in the end. Sometimes we find comfort in stories that aren’t perfect. People are complicated, you know?”
“Everyone has a backstory,” I said, my voice less confident than his, but he made me feel like he wanted to hear me. “When I was younger, I would always make excuses for everyone’s behavior. My dad said it’s the thing that made me weak.”
Kael’s voice was soft but quick to come. “You mean empathy?”
I looked away from his eyes and up at the ceiling.
“I guess so,” I said, fragments of traumatic experiences flipping through my mind. Every time I gave someone a pass I was trying to do the right thing. But in the end my dad’s harsh judgment became the only lens that mattered.
“Making excuses for someone’s bad behavior isn’t always the same thing as finding the reason why they are that way.” Kael looked at me patiently.
I nodded. He was so intelligent when he spoke that he could take something like a vampire film and turn it into a meaningful discussion without sounding like a pretentious douche. Kael made my multitude of thoughts make sense in a way most guys his age never had.
“Yeah. I’ve found my peace with Jasper, flaws and all—and I guess I’m realizing that most of my comfort things are bad examples,” I admitted, listing them off in my head. Gossip Girl, The Vampire Diaries, One Tree Hill.
He agreed. “Mine, too.”
“Alice deserved better,” I said, wondering where the line between writing and opinions lay.
“Yeah, she did.”
“What else comforts you?” I dared to ask. I don’t know what I was expecting as his response, but the question was out before I could process it.
I kept my focus on his face as he seemed to be thoroughly considering my ask, and was quiet for the longest ten seconds of my life. Kael looked straight ahead, staring at the brown tapestry hung on my wall. My mom got it from some flea market, I didn’t remember in which state.
“Being around you.”
The boldness of his confession sucked the air from my lungs.
His bright eyes turned to me. I was speechless and very caught off guard, to say the least.
“And you? What brings you comfort?” he asked.
I could feel my mind going into its own version of fight-or-flight and I was a little surprised by the way I felt. I was afraid to say that I loved being around him, too, that it brought me comfort to connect with him and that I was growing more and more attached each time I saw him. But what did this mean? He finds being around me comforting? I didn’t know what to make of that.
“I . . . um.” I hesitated, realizing that I had somehow moved closer to him.
Kael’s finger was warm when it touched my lips. I both froze and caught on fire. I felt dizzy. He pressed the pad of his index finger into my wet lips and kept it there for no longer than a second. I could barely breathe and was trying with everything in me to remain calm and think before I reacted. For once.
Studying Kael’s face, I sprinted through the possibilities of what this moment could turn into. I hated that the hourglass in my mind was moving faster, the sand pouring through the gap mercilessly reminding me of our limited time together. Our eye contact made me nervous; he was looking at me so intensely that my cheeks warmed. I wanted to tell him that I had never felt as much comfort from a person as I did from him, at least not in real life. I wanted to tell him that I would miss him terribly when he left. I wanted to admit that I liked him—more than just being grocery-shopping, stargazing buddies. I couldn’t and wouldn’t, but fuck, did I wish I could.
Kael’s eyes were on my mouth. I was very aware that my chest was likely beet red, the revealing pajamas not doing me any favors. I closed my eyes, thinking maybe he would kiss me again, and if he didn’t, I couldn’t bear to look at him much longer. I felt so much and couldn’t find a single word to say. When my lids shut, there was a sense of relief from his flame. My heart pounded.
His phone vibrated on the floor between us and I tried to read the name on the screen when my eyes snapped open. He scooped it up too quickly and I felt embarrassed that I was violating his privacy. He ignored the call, but his energy shifted instantly. I must have looked like such a freaking idiot with my eyes shut, like I was waiting for him to kiss me. Who said that’s even what I wanted? Not me.
Suddenly, it was like our little bubble popped and reality swallowed him up. His features felt harsh, his warm eyes became cold as they turned away from me and stared at the wall. I sank. I was pulled back into my thoughts on overdrive, wondering what I said or did wrong this time. Who kept calling him? Maybe he was secretly married? I couldn’t think of another explanation for his odd behavior.
I thought about Brien and how often he would “shush” me. How many times he would gently tap my leg under the table if I was talking too much in front of his friends. If I was embarrassing him. Kael isn’t like him, I reminded myself. He’s just making sure neither of us cross a line that we can’t reverse. I had a lapse of judgment. No big deal.
I paused, fidgeting and lightly pushing at my cuticles.
“Important call?” I asked him, hoping I didn’t sound as immature as I felt.
He shook his head. “Obviously not, since I ignored it.”
His tone wasn’t rude, but his words had a bit of defensiveness that rubbed me the wrong way.
“Dinner will be here in five minutes, if you want to wash up,” he mumbled.
“You don’t have to talk to me like I’m twelve,” I said and rolled my eyes. I wasn’t completely sure why, but I felt slighted and moody.
“Madam, your dinner will be delivered in precisely three hundred seconds.”
I cackled, a real laugh, suddenly back to being amused. This thing with him was exhausting but exhilarating.
He grabbed the pillow from my lap and I kicked my leg out at him. He suddenly tossed the pillow back at me and used his hand to push it down a little across my crotch area. Oh my god! His eyes were on mine and I squeezed the pillow, shoving it tightly between my legs, now remembering why I had it in the first place. Kael’s cheeks were a bit more red than usual. Or was I imagining that his embarrassment matched my own?
Both of our backs were against the couch and we sat facing forward with our legs in front of us. Mine were crossed at the ankles and I still had the pillow on my lap. I couldn’t catch up with my breath, even though we had barely moved. I turned my head. I just had to look at him, to try to make some sense of what we were doing.