He didn’t answer right away, so I counted my breaths while he turned the truck on and blasted the heat. It was so loud and blew cold air that hadn’t warmed up yet.
“I can’t speak for every single service member, but I know that I try to do what’s right, with good intentions. When you put enough humans in the same place, there are going to be some bad ones. But in my case, I never went out of my way to hurt anyone, I never abused my power like some do.” The look on his face was one of a lost boy. A soldier away from war, but still not at home.
Nothing I could say would match the gravity of what he was saying. A simple Thank you for your service wouldn’t do.
“And you’re still willing to die for the cause?” I asked.
He lifted our connected hands to his lips. He kissed the back of mine and I closed my eyes. A small comfort.
“Yes,” he said. The word felt like a flame against the back of my hand.
“Please don’t.” I opened my eyes to see him staring through me.
“It’s not like I plan to. But there’s—”
I interrupted him by moving our hands to cover his mouth.
“Let’s keep it at that,” I begged. I couldn’t think about him going anywhere except across the state of Georgia.
“Deal.” He leaned back against the seat. “For now, at least.”
I didn’t want to read too much into his comment. It felt like a warning so it made me pause, but I blocked myself from digging into it. I focused on him. On his warm eyes, his careful and callused hand holding mine. Even inside of the eye of a storm, he could make me feel like I was safely planted. It was all about perception, and mine could have used a dose or two of reality. But instead of searching for the ground, I was floating in the sky with the brightest star of all. My mom’s voice echoed in my head as I leaned over and kissed Kael: The brightest stars burn the fastest, so we must love them while we can. She told me that only once, but all these years later I still remembered it.
I touched his cheek with my free hand, running my fingers over his skin. The soft scar tissue above his eye, but below the fresh cut there, the harshness of his jawline.
“Are you okay, really?” I asked, loading the question this time with extra meaning.
He laughed a breath through his nose and looked straight out of the windshield. “Maybe someday I will be.”
“Let’s go home?” I asked Kael, no longer wanting to pressure him with conversation.
He nodded in agreement, and I hoped he would come in and stay the night of his own accord, without me having to ask. We drove home in the most peaceful silence. My eyes closed again, and by the time we made it to my house I was dreaming of a place where I could keep Kael safe.
CHAPTER FIFTY
I don’t know what I’d do without my job. It wasn’t only about paying bills—although God knows there was that. It was about turning the key in the front door, switching on the lights, making sure we had fresh towels and were stocked with oils. Each little task took me out of myself and helped me connect to the world around me. I was sure of my skills as a massage therapist and proud of what I could do to help people disentangle the knots of their own lives. I needed that more than ever today, as I tried to disengage from the anxiety that hadn’t gone away from last night. One minute I was listening to music with Kael and the next I was being interviewed by aggressive military police.
Mali understood why I was late. She had urged me to take the day off when I called to tell her what had happened, but I couldn’t bring myself to do that. Kael didn’t stay over at my house after all. He didn’t even come inside. He woke me up, walked me to the porch, and touched his hand to the top of my arm as his good night. We were back to just friends now that the moon was replaced by the sun.
He texted me that he had discharge appointments on post all day, and I guessed that meant he was getting closer and closer to his release from the Army. He asked if I had to work today and I told him yes, until late afternoon. He didn’t ask what I was doing after work, so I didn’t volunteer any more information. I was trying to keep things cool even though I truly hated being away from him. I was already embarrassed from having called him while I walked to work. He didn’t pick up, of course, and I left a nervous voicemail that I tried to delete but pressed the wrong button and sent it. I also couldn’t stop constantly checking my phone between clients and even once during a treatment for his answer. I took a few extra seconds after covering the client’s eyes with a warm towel. And finally, halfway through my shift, I got a text from Kael—very brief and wanting to know if I had plans for dinner.
I had texted my brother, too, trying to figure out what the hell happened last night. It was unbelievably stupid—he could have been badly hurt or arrested. And Kael was nearly assaulted by the MPs, and risked ruining his good standing and discharge plans. I needed to make sense of why Austin had gotten himself in that situation over this girl. It was so stupid. I could barely stand it. I thought about going by my dad’s and dragging my brother out of the house to interrogate him—but now that Kael was asking about dinner, I decided I’d much rather spend the evening with him than with my brother or alone with a frozen pizza and a half-bottle of wine.
Austin
I’ll come by tonight. If you want, come get me.
Kael
How late will you be there?
I was excited to read another text from Kael during my shift, but now disappointed to see that Austin wanted to come over for the evening. I was scheduled to work until four, but I would slip out an hour early if I didn’t have a walk-in by three. Maybe I would have time to see Austin before having dinner with Kael.
Kael texted that he wouldn’t be finished with all of his meetings until after five anyway. I invited him to come over around six thirty p.m., and offered to buy him dinner to even out his paying for my food the last time. I didn’t have money for much, but we could order in something tonight, and the next time I got paid, I could take him to a nicer place. Next time. The words sent a shiver of a warning through me. I really, really needed to stay in the present with Kael, or we wouldn’t fit anywhere at all. There was no future and I doubted I would ever see him again after his discharge and the arrival of Elodie’s baby. Phillip would be home and everything would go back to the way it was. I would be alone in my house again.
While waiting for my next client to undress and get comfortable before their treatment, I texted my brother to confirm that we needed to talk and that he’d better not fucking flake on me. I was more tired today than usual. I hadn’t slept very well after Kael dropped me off. For some reason, I lay in bed thinking only of the shitty things in my life. I didn’t have a typical family, or a loving boyfriend. I didn’t have Instagram-worthy brunches with a big group of girlfriends. Not that I even really wanted that, but the option had never presented itself. But what I did have, for now, was Kael, and I started to reread his texts when I saw one from Austin letting me know that he got a ride and was on his way over to my house.
I would still be at work for at least an hour, but I told him my door was unlocked. Kael’s by-the-books voice was in my head telling me to keep my door locked at all times, whether I was gone or at home. He seemed way too concerned, but I had downloaded the neighborhood security app when I moved in and it was pretty damn terrifying to get an alert every hour for a break-in or assault. Stolen dog, drunk driver, drunk soldiers fighting at a bar—it was so overwhelming that I turned my notifications off after three days. I knew the world was a lot darker than I wanted to believe it was, but I still wanted to have hope that we didn’t need to shut our doors and lock ourselves away from our neighbors and community. I hated the idea that I couldn’t leave my front door open with just the screen between me and everything outside. I wanted to hear the sound of cars, people talking and connecting as they walked down the little strip of shops across the street, the roll of thunderstorms, and the calm patter of the rain. Even honks and sirens were a part of the soundtrack of my life.