“I was bored, honestly. I’m starting to feel a little . . . distracted at work.”
Kael’s brow lifted. “Distracted? How so?”
I felt my cheeks flush and my heart began to pick up speed. You! You distract me!
“Just life.” I told half the truth.
Kael was good at reading me, so I looked away from him and stared at the boiling water on the stove. I had wasted my time cooking for my brother. Typical.
“What were you cooking?” Kael changed the subject. He was looking at the skillet of food on the stovetop.
“Kitchen-sink pasta, my specialty when food in the fridge is about to go bad.” I waved my arm in the air. “For Austin, but he left, so I might as well not even finish it.”
Kael took a step toward the hot skillet. “I’m starving. I didn’t eat anything today because I was too busy.”
“Oh, you don’t want to eat my cooking, trust me. Didn’t you want to get dinner somewhere?”
He shrugged. “I’m easy. I’m good with staying in, if you are. And this smells really fucking good, honestly.”
A tiny compliment and my confidence was soaring. I pointed to the simmering pasta sauce. “Why don’t you try it first?”
“It can’t be that bad,” he teased, grabbing the ladle from the counter. He dipped it into the sauce and managed to make such a simple act insanely attractive.
“I wouldn’t be so sure,” I confessed.
“I’ve eaten MREs.”
I remembered my dad bringing home a spaghetti-flavored MRE for my brother and me to try after his first deployment. It was such a novelty to see food made out of powder, and Austin and I got so excited. For years I tried to hold that fond memory with my father as close as I could. I almost told Kael about it instantly, but I didn’t want to bring down the mood by talking about my dad.
I smirked as he brought the spoon to his lips for a second time.
“It’s really good. Let’s eat this?”
“If you’re sure”—I shrugged and turned off the burner—“after the day you’ve had.”
“Who said I had a bad day?” Kael asked, stepping closer. He put his arms on both sides of me and leaned in. His face was inches from mine.
Would it be weird if I kissed him?
Will he remember kissing me when he’s back in his hometown, beginning his new life? Would he miss me? Would he remember me at all? The thoughts hurt me.
“I—” I couldn’t recall what he had just said to me. I was too distracted by how close he was.
“I’ve been smoked before; everyone has. I’m taking this as a farewell from the Army. Plus, look how my day has turned around.” He licked his lips, and I mirrored his action without a thought.
“You promise you’re okay?” I asked one last time.
“Me?” He tapped his chest with his finger. It landed on his rank badge, front and center.
I nodded. My throat was dry as a bone. “Yes, you. After yesterday, after today, in general. I really hope you’re okay,” I said, meaning it.
He smiled again. “I’m fine. Are you worried about me?” he asked playfully.
I shook my head, avoiding eye contact. He dipped his head down to make my eyes meet his.
“Karina, I think you are worried about me.”
The kitchen, my very small kitchen, felt as if it were shrinking by the second.
“I mean, I was worried, yeah. Last night was pretty damn intense. I feel like you should run away from me as soon as you can, before something worse happens to you.”
He smiled and chewed his lip again. The scar above his brow had darkened; I noticed the change of color. Some days it was more raised, others more purple. The cut he got last night was less pronounced today. I felt a little relief.
“I’ve been to war twice before the age of twenty-one. I can handle MPs, and Austin is . . . well, Austin.” He sounded like he knew my brother well and, once again, I felt left out.
“Karina, Karina, Karina,” he sang my name. There was a softness to the way it sounded that made me want to close my eyes. So I did.
Kael’s voice carried on. “You keep apologizing for things you didn’t do. I thought we were going to stop doing that,” he teased.
I loved this mood he was in. I wanted to stay in a cloud of it forever. I was blissful long enough to get addicted, enough to crave it again until reality caught up with me. What was I doing? Literally, what the hell was I doing? I opened my eyes, closing the curtain on my daydreamy moment with Kael.
I somehow managed a voice. “You sound like my old therapist.”
“Is that a good or bad thing?”
I thought about it for a second. “Both.”
“Well, if I were your therapist, I would surely advise you to stay away from men like me.”
I watched him as he nodded and inched closer to me. I wished I knew where we stood.
“Far, far away,” he whispered.
My eyes grew wider as he neared. His mouth was saying the opposite of what he was doing. Something inside me burned to know more, to know everything about him.
“And what if I don’t want to stay away?”
“It’s wise advice. But you’re the one paying the bill,” he said.
It sounded like a warning, so I moved my head back, putting a little space between us to think straight.
“What exactly is it that I’m staying away from?” I asked, “An upstanding citizen who drives women and their children home from the doctor and goes to war to fight for our country?”
“A man who has no capacity to know what’s right or wrong anymore. Someone who tears things apart”—he paused, and I could feel his warm breath flush against the apple of my cheek—“and doesn’t stay to put them back together.”
Kael’s fingers were warm when they caressed my chin, tilting my head to see his full face. His breathing slowed and the air between us became more serious. The stakes were growing with each second that passed.
“A man who’s a killer,” he whispered.
Adrenaline shot through me and I held his eyes. “I . . . I don’t know what to say to that.”
“You don’t have to say anything.” Kael’s eyes were on my lips as I nodded.
He kissed me the way I’ve only read about in poetry. I now understood what all the poets and writers complain about when they lose their love. This was that feeling they all chased, missed, remembered, would die for another chance to feel again. His lips opened and his tongue slid across mine. I would never forget this kiss, it was now a part of my DNA, the intensity of emotion, a rush unlike anything else I could explain. I wondered how anyone could possibly live after feeling this even once.
Kael’s hands lifted me up onto the counter and my legs opened and he stood between them. His hands gripped the tops of my thighs as he devoured me, body first, then mind. His ACU jacket was crunchy between us, but I could still feel his heart pounding as I put my hand on it, next to the pocket. The way his heart danced under my palm felt like he was playing a song made just for me. This connection with him, this consuming connection, was otherworldly. I had never desired to be this close to someone before, not even when I was a teenager and confused infatuation with love. Pages of all the romance novels I had read, every scene from the dozens of rom-coms, all flicked and fluttered in my mind. They finally made sense.