CHAPTER FIFTY-FOUR
With Elodie off on her weekend girls’ trip, Kael and I played house for a couple days, never leaving limbo. I begged off work, ensuring with Mali that my clients would reschedule. Kael and I stayed in the house and ordered food when we felt like it. He made me want to do nothing except lie next to him all day. Not even having sex, just listening to his theories about the world, how it began and how it would end. When he sensed the conversation was too heavy and too bleak, he switched topics to show me a YouTube video on the conspiracy that Shakespeare had a ghostwriter. I rolled my eyes, telling him that insulting Shakespeare was a crime in my house, and he lifted his body on top of mine, offering kisses to avoid any penalty.
What I felt for Kael was something between sweet infatuation and total annihilation. It was powerful and raw. He was as fierce as an animal, and yet so kind and gentle. He was a bundle of contradictions. Even so, it felt secure and calm to be with him, not the chaos that being in love advertised. I was happy in this moment, when I stopped thinking about the short time we would have together. It was terrifying to let my guard down, but it was thrilling to immerse myself in this intimacy with Kael.
As he slept on my chest, and again when he woke up in the middle of the night asking for someone named Nielson, then shouting Phillip’s name, he was drenched in sweat. He pulled me close to hug him, moved my hair from my ear, and whispered: “Run.”
A chill went through my entire body, but I didn’t move. I hugged him back and gently rubbed his shoulder, telling him that everything would be okay, even if I knew that was a promise I couldn’t deliver. Kael’s war trauma made my problems and worries feel small and insignificant. I made a commitment to myself that, because of Kael, I would confront my fears and stop letting the terrible unknown control everything. I deserved to let go and live—really live. And he deserved the version of me who didn’t need an answer to every question.
We had spent all the prior afternoon, evening, and night in bed, then finally it was Sunday morning and I had to go to work in the late afternoon. I absolutely had to show up today, or Mali would probably come to my house and drag me to the spa herself. Kael and I had baked Elodie’s can of cinnamon rolls for breakfast and I made a pot of coffee that tasted like shit, but I drank it anyway. The rolls were gooey and warm and yummy, even sweeter when Kael kissed me with the faint taste of icing on his lips.
“When this ends, what do we do?” I asked flatly.
“What ends?” He was quiet as the seconds ticked by, but I sensed he knew exactly what I was talking about. “We remember this,” he finally said, sealing his words with a kiss.
I had lost count of them at this point. I wanted to start all over and have another first, second, third kiss with him.
We were behaving so domestically; I had lent Kael a set of Phillip’s PT clothing from Elodie’s bureau to wear while he washed his sweats and T-shirt in my kitchen laundry. I pushed a pile of my laundry out of his way to make room as he transferred his wet clothes from the washer to the dryer and then went back to my room to put on my jeans and a comfortable baggy sweatshirt. A few minutes later, Kael appeared in my doorway with all my clean clothes, neatly folded, and asked where they should go. I shrugged and motioned to the dresser, and he set them down on top, then followed me into the bathroom. While I brushed my teeth he swished some mouthwash around his mouth, opting for something antiseptic and medicinal in lieu of my minty toothpaste.
Making breakfast together, doing laundry, sharing dental hygiene: This is what people who get married do, I thought to myself. And Kael had even convinced me to go to the mall to fix my laptop. More old-married-couple behavior!
The local mall was crowded, and the parking lot was stressing me out as Kael circled in his giant truck, looking for a space. When he finally found one, he slowly and stealthily parked backward in a tight spot right next to a tall light post.
“I hate malls,” I said, as we walked through the noisy entrance. The ceilings were low, every wall was brown or tan, and the lights were so freaking bright that I wished I had worn a hoodie so I could crawl inside it. There were people everywhere. Kael looked around and turned his face to me.
“Do you want to go back to the car, and I can take care of the laptop?”
I smiled. “How can you be so selfless?”
“It’s no big deal. I know a tech guy who works here at a kiosk. He’s really fast, cheap, and won’t be shady.” Kael dangled his keys as a last offer for me to escape the mall adventure.
I shook my head and kept walking.
He read the doubt on my face. “I’ll do the talking.”
“Yeah?” I asked, hiding my face from him. I’d never had a friend, let alone a boyfriend, who paid this much attention to the way I felt and went out of their way to make my life easier.
Kael didn’t say anything, he just smiled and grabbed my hand. He looked so good, and I was with him. He liked me, he picked me, and that made me feel beyond special. I wished someone from my high school who had made fun of my weight or acne could see me now. Well, I looked like shit still, and Kael was way out of my league. I kept slowing down, looking for a mirror and regretting not having put makeup on before we left.
“You okay?” he asked, squeezing my hand a little.
I nodded. “I’m just thinking of all the reasons that you’re too good for me and why you should be embarrassed to be holding my hand in public.”
Kael’s laugh was deep, coming from the core of his body. “What?” He held our hands up in the air, in an out-of-character move for him. My tummy twisted.
I let my thoughts turn into words. “You’re totally out of my league.” His expression was one of both confusion and calmness.
“Who’s deciding this? Just you?”
I nodded.
“You couldn’t be more wrong,” he said, as we passed a pretzel stand. The smell wafted through the air and my stomach grumbled. How could I be hungry after eating half a container of cinnamon rolls? There was a long line for the pretzels and the food court of the mall was beyond packed. Voices filled the space, all the way to the ceiling, with babies crying against the background noise of deep fryers bubbling and burgers sizzling as we walked past Wendy’s. A couple in front of us were arguing over losing a receipt for a jacket the woman had bought the man. They were in their forties, maybe, and I watched them as we walked behind them. They went from bickering to laughing and back to bickering. I imagined being a fortysomething with Kael, arguing in the mall over trivial things. I had to rein in my thoughts; they were way ahead of me, running wild.
“Almost there,” Kael reassured me, stroking his thumb over the back of my hand in his.
As we got closer, I unlocked our fingers and wrapped both of my arms around one of his, gluing myself to his side. I couldn’t remember the last time I had been around so many people at once, but I was relieved to have Kael with me, We approached a kiosk that looked like a jewelry counter, but instead of sparkling rings and necklaces, its glass cases held tablet and laptop brands I’d never heard of. There was a row of smart watches and cell phones in cases plastered with “deal” stickers, several of them announcing, “Fix your cracked screen here for cheap!”