I took a deep breath, but kept eye contact. “Okay, so even if that’s all true, what about my dad? And Mendoza?”
“Mendoza is another story for a different day, but just try to put yourself in my shoes, knowing that my friend is deteriorating in front of my eyes and so fucking quickly. I wasn’t trying to keep it from you, but I’ve been really focused on helping him get by. Bringing other people into his shit would only make things harder for him. We’re all fighting the same battle with PTSD, but he’s losing, so I tried to keep everything and everyone around him as normal as possible, to help him feel less crazy.”
His eyes left mine and stared at the seat between us. My heart ached and swelled. It wasn’t my place to force Kael to tell me about Mendoza’s mental health. I felt like shit for even attempting to use that against him when this was really about my dad and the house in Atlanta.
“Okay,” I repeated. “And what about my dad? You’re telling me there wasn’t ever a time to tell me from that first day until now?”
“No, there was. And honestly, I’m sorry that I’m such a selfish person.” He rubbed his hand across his chin and pulled at his lips. “I was selfish, that’s it. I knew you wouldn’t want anything to do with me if your dad told you, which I figured he would. So I just kept taking more and more of your time. Karina, I have felt nothing for so long, I started to think I wasn’t capable of caring about anyone this way, so I got addicted to this feeling.”
“What feeling?”
His hand was warm when he lifted it to gently grab mine. He pressed them both to his chest and I felt his heart pounding.
“I’m not even sure what it is, it just feels so good. And I’m a selfish fuck who wanted to keep getting this feeling from you before I left. I didn’t mean to hurt you, I really, really didn’t. I waited each day like a madman for the other shoe to drop, for you to find out that I lied about knowing your dad, but each time I saw you, everything disappeared except you and me. I know this isn’t enough and I won’t ever be enough for you, but I just wanted to explain myself and apologize for not doing it earlier.”
He dropped our hands but I grabbed his again. My eyes were stinging, and my head was foggy and I didn’t know up from down, but I knew I wanted to hold his hand.
I moved toward him, closing the space between us. A pile of papers and a bookbag were in the way, but I pushed them toward the door as Kael held my hand, firmly.
“I’m really sorry, honestly. And I get it if you just want me to go away.” He rounded his shoulders, deflated, and I had the strongest urge to comfort him.
He was so close now that I could smell the faint earthy cologne he used and I could feel the warmth radiating from him. I ignored the storm of doubts left in my head, stepped over any remnants of red flags, and pulled my hand from his to bring it to his cheek.
His skin was so soft, so beautiful and familiar. I felt warm and glowing from the inside out and couldn’t think of how to say that to him. I used my body instead of words to show him we would be okay. I climbed onto Kael’s lap and he groaned as I wrapped my arms around his back. The sharp fear of rejection disappeared as he dug his hands into my hair. I could feel the relief flowing from both of us so intensely that I thought we would shake the truck.
His hands held on to my hips, roaming around the tops of my thighs without a word between us. Somehow this would work out, we were supposed to be together. If we weren’t, it wouldn’t feel this good, we wouldn’t be able to communicate like this, without saying a word. The connection wouldn’t feel this intense and electrifying if we couldn’t figure it all out. I refused to believe the universe was that cruel. I brushed my thumb across his cheek just below his eye.
“I don’t. I don’t want you to go away ever again,” I whispered, as his eyes fluttered open to look into mine.
“Are you sure? I’m trying to warn you,” he said. He brushed a piece of my hair out of my face and tucked it behind my ear. “I like your hair, by the way.” His voice was a whisper by the end of the sentence, and my hands were shaking as they trailed over his bottom lip and he made a noise again, encouraging me. I pressed my lips to his, letting all my guard down now, letting all the pain rush out of me, all the anxiety, the loneliness; it all melted out of me as he kissed me. His hand went around the back of my neck and his lips opened mine wider to taste more of me. I never, ever wanted to be away from this man again, no matter how many coincidences and unanswered questions surrounded him. No matter what demons he was running from or chasing. I couldn’t lose this, not again. I hugged him tighter and he said sorry between kissing me and pressing his hands to my cheeks, and I shushed him, begging him to take me home.
He didn’t stop kissing me, exploring me. I was completely melted by his warm hands and mouth.
“Okay, okay,” he eventually said, kissing my forehead. “Let’s go home.”
The way he said “home” made me feel so comforted. I had always thought of home as a place, but it’s a feeling, I decided in that moment.
I stayed as close to Kael as I could during the short drive to my house. We turned onto my street, and he drove more slowly before pulling up to his usual spot. I felt a mix of nerves and elation, and a rush to get inside with him. I missed having him in my house, and I think he knew that. He gave me a shy smile and courteously picked up my handbag, to move it out of my way. In my rush to climb out of the passenger door, I knocked the thick packet of papers to the floorboard.
“Sorry, I dropped these. I hope I didn’t mess them up,” I said, as I stacked them neatly. “Is this for your discharge?” There was an Army folder on top with the typical Army star. Kael stilled next to me. I felt the shift in the air around us as I realized what the packet said.
“Who’s enlistment packet is this?”
Being nosy and not thinking anything of it, I started to open the folder. That’s when Kael reached over, trying to grab it from me. “Who’s signing their life away?” I teased, as his eyes fell to the paperwork in my hands.
And then I read the name on the first page.
AUSTIN TYLER FISCHER
CHAPTER SIXTY-FOUR
Now it was Kael’s turn to call my name. Kael’s turn to bring me back to earth.
“Karina. Karina,” he said. “Listen to me, Karina. There’s an explanation—”
His words were gibberish. I could make out my name, but that was it. I could barely feel my body. The truck was parked on solid ground but felt like it was dangling over the edge of a cliff. “What is this, Kael?” I managed at last.
When he didn’t answer me, I screamed.
“What is this! What the hell is this?” I slammed the folder down onto the seat’s empty space between us. “Do not move any closer to me until you tell me what this is and why it has my brother’s name on it!” I was every emotion: fear, anger, disgust, contempt.
Had Austin really joined the Army? No fucking way that was what this was. I must be missing something. Kael stared at me blankly, I could see him doing it again, closing himself off like he did during the fight with my dad.
“Don’t you dare shut down! I want answers,” I insisted. Austin! I dug in my purse for my phone and, finding it, searched the screen to pull up his name. My head was spinning so fast that everything was blurry when I tried to call him. Of course he didn’t pick up.