Caleb: I抣l pick Seda up at noon if that抯 okay.
I type back a reply.
Me: That抯 fine.
I open Thayer抯 message next.
Thayer: I thought I could pick you two up for breakfast and visit Forrest抯 grave. You mentioned last night that she wanted to go by. If it抯 a bad idea it抯 fine.
Stifling a yawn, I look over my shoulder at her sleeping form.
Me: That抯 a great idea. I just woke up. I have to get Sleeping Beauty up too.
Thayer: Take your time.
Me: Caleb is going to pick her up around 12.
His reply takes a little longer this time.
Thayer: Okay.
Setting my phone back down, I ease from the bed and go to the bathroom. I pee and brush my teeth, then quietly go downstairs to check on my mom. After I抳e helped her into the bathroom and dressed for the day, I go back up and wake up Seda.
揑 want to sleep,?she grumbles, holding on tighter to the pillow.
揥e抮e going to go get breakfast and visit your brother抯 grave.?
Her eyes pop open at that. 揜eally??
揧ou said you wanted to go. Is that still true??
She nods soberly. 揑抦 going to shower, so don抰 fall back asleep,?I warn, tapping her nose.
She giggles, wiggling around. 揑 won抰。？
揋et dressed and go talk to grandma if you want.?
揙kay!?She grins, kicking off the covers. She runs from my room to Georgia抯 where her overnight bag is.
Taking a quick shower, I hop out and wrap myself in a towel. I apply a bit of mascara to my lashes and gloss on my lips. I don抰 have time for anything else since I need to get dressed and check on Seda and my mom.
Pulling on shorts and a red tank top, I slip my feet into a pair of white sneakers. My hair is wet from my shower, so I decide to leave it down to air dry until we leave. Then I抣l pull it back into a bun.
Downstairs I find Seda sitting beside my mom抯 hospital bed. They抮e both coloring and talking quietly. I can抰 help myself when I take my phone out and snap a photo to catch the sweet moment.
揗ommy!?Seda cries when she sees me. 揂re we ready to go? I抦 hungry. I want pancakes with chocolate chips and syrup and棓
I chuckle at her enthusiasm. 揟ake a breath, girl.?
She pauses, inhaling a deep breath. 揋randma, are you going with us??
My mom shakes her head. 揘o, sweetie. Not this time.?
揂w, that抯 too bad. But it抯 okay, I抣l bring you back something.?
My mom pats her hand gently. 揧ou do that, sweetie.?
揅an we keep coloring when I get back??
揝ure, if you want.?
揧our dad is picking you up at noon to go back to Boston,?I tell her, padding into the kitchen. I open a yogurt for my mom, setting her pills in a bowl. It抯 mostly pain pills at this point, just trying to keep her feeling the best she can.
揂w, man. I like it here,?she says when I come back into the room.
揧ou抣l be back. Don抰 worry.?
My mom takes the pills with the yogurt, and I silently encourage her to eat the rest of it.
I can tell she doesn抰 want to, but she obliges.
When the yogurt cup is empty, I throw it away and send a text to Thayer that we抮e ready.
揥e抣l be back soon, Mom. Behave yourself. Georgia will be here in about fifteen minutes.?
She sighs. 揧ou two don抰 trust me by myself, do you??
I laugh, kissing the top of her head. 揘o, we don抰。？
She studies the page she was coloring. 揌ave a good breakfast.?
揑 love you, Mom.?
揑 love you, too.?
Seda wraps her arms as best as she can around her grandma. 揕ove you, grandma!?
揑 love you, peanut.?My mom kisses her cheek.
Taking Seda抯 hand, we step outside onto the front porch. I lock the door since Georgia will come in from the side.
揗ommy??
揧eah, baby??I drop my keys in my purse.
揥hy does grandma have to die? Why did my brother have to die??
Having this conversation with a five-year-old is hard. I don抰 want to lie to her, but I have to explain it in a way she抣l understand.
Crouching down, I grasp her arms gently in my hands. 揕ife is beautiful.?I brush her hair back from her forehead. 揑t抯 running through fields of flowers, catching butterflies in the summer and snowflakes on your tongue in the winter. Death is just another part of life. It抯 inevitable for each of us. The great equalizer.?She listens intently, taking in every word I say. 揇eath doesn抰 have to be seen as this scary thing. It抯 a beautiful reminder that each of our breaths, each heartbeat,?I point to her chest, and she places her hand over her thrumming heart, 搃s a gift to cherish.?
She stands before me, and I know she抯 thinking over what I said. 揝o, I should be happy for grandma??
揧ou should be understanding梔eath is scary, especially for the people left behind. We feel the sadness and pain of loss.?
揂nd grandma??
揑抦 sure she doesn抰 want to die, but she won抰 be in pain anymore.?
揝o,?she twists her lips back and forth, 揹eath is nicer than life then, right??
揥hat do you mean, sweetie??
揥ell, I get a boo-boo and feel it. I cry and I get sad. But death takes that away so it can抰 be so bad.?
I smile at her. 揟hat抯 a great way of looking at things.?
Stepping off the porch, I hold her hand and walk next door to Thayer抯。 He抯 coming out of his house. His hair is damp from a shower, curling around his ears. He抯 dressed in a pair of khaki cargo shorts and a green shirt. Butterflies take flight in my stomach just looking at him.
揂re you ladies ready for breakfast??He pushes the button on his keyfob to unlock his truck.
揧es! Yes!?Seda jumps up and down. 揑 want pancakes with chocolate chips and syrup and whipped cream and棓 I place my hand gently on her hand to stop her bouncing around. She giggles, smiling up at me. 揝orry.?
Thayer is grinning at the whole thing, his eyes lit up as he watches us. 揚ancakes, got it.?
揙h, shoot,?I smack my forehead, 搇et me grab her car seat.?I turn to walk next door, but Thayer stops me.
揂lready taken care of.?He opens the back passenger door, revealing a booster seat almost exactly like the one in my own car. Except this one is bright pink. I picked one that matched my car抯 interior, but Thayer抯 chose one that抯 Seda抯 favorite color梬ell, second favorite after rainbow.
I am not going to cry over a car seat! I admonish myself.
揙h, wow. Okay. When did you get this??
揕ast night.?He says it so casually, like he didn抰 run out late at night and buy a whole booster seat for Seda. It抯 such a little thing in the scheme of things, but it means everything.
揌urry up, you guys. I抦 hungry.?Seda climbs up into the back and in her seat. She buckles herself in, but just like I always do Thayer tightens the straps, making sure she抯 secure.
He closes the car door, arching a brow when he finds me standing there staring at him. 揥hat? Did I do something wrong??
揘o.?I shake my head slowly. 揧ou do everything right. That抯 what is so annoying.?
He laughs, crossing his arms over his chest. 揂nnoying? How so??
揃ecause nobody else can measure up,?I mutter, skittering around him to get in the car.
He doesn抰 let me go that easy. His warm hand closes around my wrist, spinning me around until I collide with his chest. 揑 don抰 do these things for that purpose. I would never try to ?to bribe my way into your good graces.?
Shaking my head, I can抰 take my eyes off his hand around my wrist. 揑 know that, Thayer.?
He doesn抰 say anything, but I see it in his eyes.
He loves me. He still loves me as much as he did back then. It抯 never changed, but he won抰 say it because he won抰 push himself back into my life.