揑 know, but that doesn抰 mean I抦 not grateful.?
Caleb nods, clearing his throat. I think he might be a little choked up. 揂ll right ?okay ?you抮e ?welcome, I guess.?I press my lips together, so I don抰 laugh. It抯 kind of cute how flustered he is. 揑抦 going to head out.?
He points at his car and says goodbye. Thayer and I stand on the driveway side by side watching him back out.
揊ancy car,?he remarks, watching the Mercedes disappear down the street. 揧ours, too.?He points at my Range Rover.
揑t sure beats my old clunker, but I did love that thing.?
He looks at the spot where it used to be parked in front of the house on the street, like if he stares hard enough, he can bring it back.
揑 sold it,?I ramble, feeling the desire to fill the silence for once with him, 揑 didn抰 need it in Brooklyn, and it made sense to have the extra money since I was厰
揝ince you were pregnant,?he fills in the blanks for me.
揂re you ready to meet her??
He looks at me through thick lashes, nervous excitement in his brown-eyed gaze. 揧eah.?A tiny smile graces his lips. 揧eah, I am.?
揅ome on then.?I hold my hand out to him. He takes it, holding on so tight it抯 like I抦 a buoy and he抯 been adrift at sea, desperate to find something to keep him afloat.
Up the porch steps we go, the screen door creaking when I open it.
揗ommy!?Seda comes running from the kitchen, cupcake in hand and frosting all over her face. 揟his one is my favorite! Grandma said it抯 cookie dough!?
Thayer抯 hand goes limp in mine.
He抯 seen photos. He knows what she looks like. But there抯 a vast difference in looking at an image and staring at the living, breathing person in front of you.
When I was pregnant with her, I used to think about what would happen if I was able to reunite with Thayer before I gave birth. How he might look at her when she entered the world.
He wears the exact expression I dreamed of now梠ne of wonder and surprise, like someone who has just discovered one of the world抯 greatest secrets.
I can almost hear his thoughts梙ow she looks like us, how she抯 this beautiful little light in the world. She抯 precious, the world is infinite in the eyes of our child. She抯 the reminder that there抯 always good somewhere in life.
Thayer looks at me, his eyes filled with awe. I can tell he doesn抰 know what to say to her.
But Seda doesn抰 need prompting. Tilting her head to the side, her small pink tongue licking the icing from around her mouth, she blurts, 揂re you my Dad? My mommy said I was going to meet my dad today. Did you give me DVD? No ?that抯 not right, what did you call it, Mommy??
揇NA,?I correct. I move behind her, pulling her soft blonde hair behind her shoulders and facing Thayer. 揂nd, yes, baby. This is him.?
Thayer clears his throat, crouching down on one knee so he抯 more her height. 揌i.?He offers his hand to her to shake if she wants.
She stares at his outstretched hand. I don抰 urge her to take it. That抯 her decision to make. Slowly, carefully, she shakes his hand and lets hers drop quickly back to her side.
揗ommy said when she had me you were in a bad place and weren抰 ready to be my dad.?
Thayer looks up at me briefly and back to her. 揟hat抯 right. You know about your brother??When she nods, he goes on. 揑 was in a bad place after he died. It抯 not easy for parents to lose their child.?
She reaches out, placing her small hand gently on his cheek. 揑t抯 okay. I抣l help you.?
He smiles, putting his hand over top of hers. His big hand completely swallows the small one beneath it. 揑抦 sure you will.?
Seda抯 eyes flicker up to meet mine before she refocuses on Thayer. 揗ommy says I抦 so special I got two daddies to love me. Is that true? Do you love me??
Thayer visibly swallows. 揧eah.?I can hear how choked up he is in the way his voice breaks. 揑t抯 true. I love you.?
The love of a parent is so beautiful in that way梙ow you can look at your child and see everything. It makes me wonder how people like my father ever exist. It feels like it goes against the laws of nature.
He reaches out with his other hand, giving her plenty of time to step away or say no to his touch when he puts his hand on her cheek the same way she has hers on his.
My heart beats rapidly and I fight back tears.
Turning away from the sight, I step outside to catch my breath. I don抰 want Seda to see me break down and think she抯 done something wrong, because it抯 the complete opposite. She抯 so kind and open-hearted. She抯 able to trust and understand so much and I love that about her. I love that she抣l never be tainted by the darkness my own childhood endured.
Sitting down on the porch steps, I glance over my shoulder when I hear the door open. Thayer steps out and settles beside me.
揥hy did you come out here? You didn抰 have to follow me.?
He drapes his arms over his knees. 揑 know.?
揟hen why did you??
揑 was worried about you.?
揂bout me??I laugh incredulously. 揥hy??
揧ou tell me.?He nudges my arm with his. 揥hat抯 on your mind??
揓ust mad at myself,?I mumble, watching a bumble bee buzz near some marigolds around the walkway.
揗ad at yourself??His face twists in confusion. 揥hy??
揃ecause I kept her from you. It wasn抰 right. Not for her and not to you, either.?
Thayer sighs, leaning back on his elbows and stretching his legs out on the stairs. 揑抳e lost out on six years with our daughter.?I wince at that. It抯 a punch to the gut but it抯 a truth and those are always the hardest to hear. 揟hat fucking sucks, Salem, and yeah, it抯 shitty that you kept her from me梑ut we all have our reasons for the things we do. I can抰 go back in time and change your mind, so things work out differently. This is the reality we抮e dealing with and I抦 not going to waste my time being mad about the past. You抮e back, Salem梐nd that抯 a chance I swore to myself I wouldn抰 throw away. And that kid in there? She抯 a miracle as far as I抦 concerned. Let抯 not linger on the could-have-beens, okay? I want to move forward梔o you want that??
揝o much.?
揂ll right, then.?He holds his hand out to me. 揕et抯 shake on it. The past belongs to the past and the future is ours for the taking.?
I slip my hand in his with a wobbly smile. 揙urs.?
With his hand still on mine, he helps me up and we head back inside to our daughter.
CHAPTER 26
THAYER
揟his is the best spaghetti I抳e ever had, Mommy.?Seda chews on a meatball on the end of her fork.
揑抦 happy you like it, sweetie.?Salem eyes the takeout containers in the trash from the dinner I had delivered to her house. My lips twitch with the threat of a smile. I can almost hear her mind spinning from here, wondering why our daughter prefers restaurant spaghetti over something she抎 make from scratch.
揝eda,?I say, getting her attention. 揥hat抯 your favorite color??
She wrinkles her nose. 揜ainbow, but mommy says that抯 a thing not a color, so pink then.?
My heart beats a little faster. Just like I had guessed. It makes me feel good that even from some photos I was able to guess something about her.
揥hat about your favorite food??
She sticks her tongue out in thought, but it takes her no time to decide. 揝trawberry ice cream. Ooh, Grandma, do you have strawberry ice cream??
Before her grandma can reply, Salem says, 揧ou already had a cupcake, remember??
揟hat was before dinner. It doesn抰 count.?
My shoulders shake with laughter. Leaning into Salem, my lips brush her ear. 揝he really is my kid.?