I shake my head back and forth, biting my lip. 揑 don抰 want to talk about it.?
揧ou need to,?he insists.
But I don抰 want to voice my thoughts aloud. I know I抣l sound selfish and whiny and that抯 not at all how I want to be as a person.
揝alem,?he insists. 揚lease, talk to me. There抯 nothing you could say that would bother me.?
揑 don抰 want to complain.?
揌ow is me asking you to talk about it, you complaining??
I sit down on the edge of the bed. 揝ometimes I think I抦 being punished,?I whisper the bad thought out loud. 揟hat I抦 not allowed to be happy.?
His face falls. 揥hy would you think that??
揗y dad.?I barely utter those two words. They taste like tar on my tongue. I don抰 like talking about him. Thayer kneels in front of me, his hands on my knees. 揗aybe,?I go on, 揵ecause of what he did to me, I抦 supposed to suffer.?This is a thought I抳e only ever shared with my therapist. It抯 one that hasn抰 haunted me in a long time, but when my mom抯 cancer came back terminal this time, that thought reared its ugly head again. I also had it when I had to leave Thayer. 揑t抯 like I can抰 catch a break. My mom got cancer, Forrest died, I lost you, the cancer came back, my mom died, and I just厰 I let my head fall. 揑t抯 like every time I start to feel happy something happens to ruin it and maybe it抯 the universe saying I don抰 deserve that.?
揌ey.?I can hear the tears in his voice. He takes my cheeks in his hands, forcing me to look at him. 揇on抰 think like that. It抯 not true. I don抰 believe it for a minute. What he did梩hat抯 on him. You did nothing wrong. Do you hear me, Salem? You. Did. Nothing. Wrong. You didn抰 ask for that to happen. He was an evil, disgusting man, and those choices are on him. He has to pay for them, not you. But sometimes,?his cheeks are wet with tears, and it breaks my heart more, 搕hings just happen. Life isn抰 perfect. It抯 not smooth sailing. There are good days and bad. Things happen that we don抰 understand, and we just have to keep going. I抣l never understand why my son had to leave this earth before me, but I know I have to keep living for him even if he抯 not here to see it. Your mom getting cancer is a tragedy and it抯 awful, but it was just life and how things go. It wasn抰 to punish you. Please, don抰 think that. And neither is this,?he tosses his thumb over his shoulder at the bathroom, 搃t抯 one negative test, and if it worries you, I抣l pay whatever the fuck I have to for every test we both need to ease your mind. But I fucking hate that you, even for a second, think any of these things are your fault.?
I swallow past the lump in my throat. I don抰 deserve this man, but I抦 so thankful he抯 mine.
I wipe the tears from his cheeks. 揑 love you.?
He kisses me softly, tenderly, and I still manage to feel it all the way to my toes. 揑 love you, too, Sunshine.?
Taking a moment in the bathroom to splash my face with water and try to get myself looking like ?well, like I didn抰 just spend the last I don抰 know how many minutes crying which requires actually applying some makeup which I normally never bother wearing. When I come out of the bathroom, Thayer抯 sitting on the bed and my bag is gone. He holds a single peony in his hands.
He doesn抰 say a word. He merely stands up, hands me the flower, and leads me outside.
That抯 Thayer.
He doesn抰 need words to remind me he抯 got my back.
CHAPTER 45
THAYER
I pull up to the airport drop off and park my truck. Salem seems to be feeling better, but the negative pregnancy test rattled her.
Hopping out, I grab her suitcase from behind my seat and wheel it around stopping in front of her where she waits for me on the curb.
揌ave fun,?I tell her. 揑 mean it. Don抰 dwell on things. Just have a good time with the girls.?
She smiles but I can tell it抯 a little forced. 揑 will.?She stands on her tiptoes, pressing a quick kiss to my lips. Grabbing the handle of her suitcase, she tries to escape from me quickly.
揥ait.?She stops, looking at me over her shoulder. 揅all me if you need me. If you get upset, or need to vent, or just want to talk. Whatever it is, whenever, just call and I抣l answer.?
She tries to hide her tiny smile. 揈ven in the middle of the night??
揈specially in the middle of the night.?
There抯 only a few feet separating us and I close it in practically one stride. I give her a deeper, longer kiss, before I let her go. I stand by my truck, watching her disappear into the airport. I ache watching her leave me, especially like this. I抦 worried about her.
When I can no longer see her, I hop back in the truck and drive toward the first work site of the day that I need to check on.
Immediately the guys sense I抦 distracted. No one says anything, but I feel the way they watch me.
By the time I make it to the second site, I抦 a flustered mess.
揥hat抯 wrong, boss??Aaron, one of my guys, asks.
He抯 been the first one brave enough to pose the question. 揘othing,?I grumble.
揂h, come on, Thayer梬e抮e not blind. We can see something抯 up with you.?
揑t抯 my girl,?I bite out. 揝he抯 upset.?
揥hat抎 you do??
揑 didn抰 do anything,?I snap, leaning against the back of my truck. 揟here抯 just some shit going on that抯 upsetting her and I don抰 know how to make her feel better.?
I抦 not about to tell my employees the intimate details of our personal life, that we抮e trying to have a baby.
揥hen my girlfriend is mad at me I give her chocolate,?Jake, another one of my guys, pipes in. 揅hicks love chocolate.?
揑 don抰 think chocolate is going to make this better.?
揓ust go home, man,?Aaron says, shooing his hand at me. 揧ou抮e no good to any of us in your foul mood. Go talk to her and whatever.?
揝he抯 not home.?
揟hen go wherever she is. Is she working? Take her out to lunch.?
I ponder his words. Go to wherever she is. The last thing I抦 going to do is crash Lauren抯 bachelorette and ruin their girl trip, but I could go to Vegas and be nearby in case she needs me. It would make me feel better to be in close proximity to her. I don抰 like that she got the bad news this morning and had to leave.
揧ou know what,?I snap my fingers at Aaron, 揑 think you抮e on to something.?
He chuckles, backing away with a shovel in hand. 揟hat抯 why you抮e going to give me a raise, right boss??
I toss the gloves from the back of my truck at him.
He barely dodges them, laughing as he goes. I scoop the gloves back up, finish what I need to at the work site, and go home. It doesn抰 take me long to book a flight, pack my shit, and head to the airport.
It抯 evening by the time I land in Vegas and make my way to the hotel. I managed to get a room at the same hotel Salem抯 at and I抦 just praying I抦 not on the same floor. I don抰 want to run into her and for her to think I抦 stalking her.
I plan on taking a shower and ordering dinner in my room.
Salem and her friends are here tonight and tomorrow night, leaving in the afternoon on Sunday, so I booked a morning flight back on Sunday.
Hopefully Salem will be fine this weekend and not need me, but for my peace of mind, I抦 glad I抦 here.
The hotel bathroom is fancy, with a walk-in steam shower. I wash away today抯 worries and throw on a pair of sweatpants when I get out.
The hotel抯 room service menu is beside the bed. I pick it up, looking it over. The prices are ridiculous, but I抦 hungry and not in the mood to go hunt down food. I put in an order for a burger and fries, just about the cheapest thing on the menu at thirty bucks.