I pull my wrist out of his grip and escape into our bedroom, my heart heavy. Tonight is the first night that he’s been home before me, and I have no doubt it has everything to do with the conversation we had this morning. I asked him to stop avoiding me, yet here I am, running away.
My breathing is labored as I walk to our bathroom. I should be happy that Ares is home with me for once, but right now, in this moment, I wish he wasn’t. Pure agony spreads from my heart to the rest of my body, until my throat closes up. Hot tears stream down my face as I undress, and I only barely manage to hold it together. I try my hardest to breathe through it, to keep my sobs in, but the moment the shower stream hits my skin, I fall apart.
It isn’t just my mother and the pain she continues to cause. It’s everything else too. Why is it that no matter what I do, I’m never good enough?
My soft sobs are drowned out by the shower’s sound, and I lean against the wall as I allow myself to feel every bit of agony that I try to keep hidden.
Normally, the one thing I’ve got going for me is my work, but not today. I had to redo my shots over and over again because I couldn’t get my expression just right, and then there are the issues I’m running into with sourcing materials for my next designs. My day had been awful before my mother called, but she undoubtedly made it worse. Am I really asking for too much when I wish that my mother would console me on a bad day instead of asking me to lend my sister a shoulder?
Why can’t I ever be anyone’s priority? What makes me so undeserving of that? Why can I never measure up against Hannah in my parents’ eyes? In Ares’s eyes? What is it that she’s got and I’ll never have? Why is my best never enough?
A crushing sense of defeat weighs me down as I struggle to breathe through my tears, choking back my tears. I may have married Ares, but he can barely stand to be around me. I’m his wife now, but the price of that title was our friendship… and I’m pretty sure it’s going to cost me a whole lot more than that in the long run. It’ll cost me my precarious relationship with Hannah and my parents too.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Ares
I clench my jaw as I listen to the sound of my wife’s sobs through the bathroom door. She’s trying her hardest to be quiet, and it kills me. I have no doubt I’m one of the sources of her pain, and I don’t know how to make it better.
The shower turns off, and I take a step away, making my way to our bed instead. I get in and grab my phone, unsure how to act. For a moment, I consider texting my sister and asking her to come over, but then I think better of it. If it’s Sierra she needed, she would’ve just gone there herself, wouldn’t she?
Raven walks out wearing an oversized t-shirt instead of one of the sexy nightgowns I’ve gotten used to, yet she somehow looks even more irresistible than usual. She pauses when she sees me sitting up in bed and averts her gaze instantly, no doubt hoping I won’t notice how red her beautiful eyes are.
I force myself to look away, and pretend to be engrossed in my phone instead. I don’t know how to face her. I want to be there for her, but I don’t want to push or intrude if that’s not what she needs.
Raven is quiet as she gets into bed with me. I expected her to say something, anything at all, but she just turns her back to me and curls up in a ball, her breathing still uneven.
I watch her for a moment, taking in the way her small hands are wrapped around the covers, the sound of her shallow breathing. She sounds as though she could burst into tears at any moment, all over again, but she’s trying her hardest not to. Tonight, more than ever, I wish I could be the person she’d rely on. I’d give the world to be the person she turns to when her heart aches, when it’s comfort she seeks.
I take a deep breath before pulling up the app that controls everything in the house. I’m unsure if I should dim the lights or turn them off altogether. What is it that she wants? Considering the way she just hid in the shower, I suspect it’s darkness she wants.
The lights turn off, and I lie down next to her, at a loss. It’s only been a few days since we got married, yet I’ve seen so many facets of her that I never realized existed. She’s always acted so sweet and carefree around me, but I’m now seeing both strength and weakness that I didn’t realize she carries. It only makes her more beautiful. She’s unlike any other woman I know. Those small shoulders of hers carry dozens of burdens, few of them her own.
I turn toward her and mimic her position, keeping a bit of distance between us. “Rave,” I whisper. She tenses but doesn’t reply. Instead, she tightens her grip on our covers. Fucking hell. It kills me to know she’s hurting and that I can’t make it right. The things she just told her mother… fuck. I had no idea I’d made her feel so unwanted. I may not be able to fix her relationship with her mother, but I don’t want her to feel insecure in our marriage. The fact that she does means that I failed her as her husband.
I reach for her hesitantly and place my hand on her arm. She sniffs, and for a moment I think she’ll pull away from me, but then she turns around to face me. “Ares,” she says, her voice breaking as fresh tears fill her eyes. “I… Can I have a hug?”
Fuck. The pain in her voice fucking guts me. My heart wrenches as I pull her into my arms with more force than I intended, one hand wrapping underneath her, while the other curls around her. I hug her tightly, her body flush against mine.
Raven nestles her nose against my neck and inhales shakily as her arm wraps around me. Her touch is cautious, hesitant, as though she’s scared she’s asking for too much. She’s my wife, yet she hesitates to ask for a hug. Just how uncomfortable have I made her?
“You never even need to ask,” I whisper as my hand threads through her hair, my grip tight. She holds onto me so tightly that I find myself holding her a little tighter too. She fits against me so perfectly, it’s unreal. Her breathing is uneven, as though she’s still holding back tears, and I let my fingers trail over her back, slowly, soothingly.
“Are you okay, Cupcake?”
She shakes her head and balls the back of my shirt in her hand. “I don’t think so.” She sounds so fucking hurt that I’m blinded by rage for a moment. Listening to that conversation with her mother and not interfering was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I’m so tempted to destroy every single thing that hurts her, but I can’t do that when it’s her mother.
“Talk to me, baby. Tell me what’s going on in that beautiful mind of yours.”
She drags her nose up my throat and shifts in my embrace, pressing her breasts against me harder. It takes all of me to keep my attention away from how she feels against me.
“It’s just too much, Ares. I feel… I feel so unwanted. So unloved. I just… I feel like a failure, like no matter what I do, I won’t ever be what anyone wants me to be. I had to shoot for three extra hours today because I couldn’t get the campaign right, and I just… how could I fail so miserably? It’s one thing to fail at everything else in life, but my career is my escape. I’m not a rookie anymore, you know? I’m a supermodel, for God’s sake. How could I be so bad at my job? I just… today I just really needed one single win. Just one.”