“Do you like Piper’s new toy? The mayor dropped it off. Said you’d get the joke,” she continued.
I wanted to take off my shoes, peel the wet clothes from my body, and stand under the showerhead until I felt human again. But I was frozen to the spot. Because I didn’t deserve to feel warm. Not until I’d let her go.
“Nash? Are you okay?” her voice sounded like it was far away. Like it was floating to me over country music and the smell of fresh cornbread.
Something rose up in me. Something dark and determined. I couldn’t do this.
If I stayed, if I kept her, kept leaning on her, I’d be no better than my father.
And if I loved her too much, I would lose her.
“I think you should go.” My voice sounded thin and shaky, like my father’s when he needed a fix.
The ladle fell from her hand and landed on the floor.
“You think I should do what?” she demanded, meeting my icy numbness with her fire.
Was this why we fought? So I could provoke her and steal her heat? Would it all just be finding new ways to use her?
“This isn’t working,” I insisted. “I think you should go.”
Those whiskey-colored eyes scanned me from head to toe as if looking for injury. But she’d never see it. It was too far beneath the surface. The wound that never healed.
She threw the ladle in the sink and crossed her arms. “What’s wrong?” she asked again.
I shook my head. “Nothing. Just… I need you to go.”
“Did you have another panic attack?” She was coming toward me, and I knew if she touched me, it would be game over. I’d cave. I’d burrow into her body and take what I needed from her.
“I didn’t have a fucking panic attack. Okay?” I exploded.
She flinched but kept coming at me. “What happened? Are you all right?”
“I just don’t want you here anymore. I can’t make it any more clear than that. I’m over it. You were right. This was a really fucking stupid idea. We barely know each other.”
She stopped in her tracks and the look in her eyes nearly leveled me. The shock. The hurt. I’d put them there. But it was better this way. Better than dragging her down with me. Better than her leaving me.
“You’re serious, aren’t you?” she whispered.
Piper whimpered, dropping the stuffed snake at my feet. I kicked it away. “Not now, Pipe,” I said quietly. “You were always going to leave. Might as well be now,” I said.
She lifted her chin and took a shaky inhale. “Okay.”
“Just okay?”
Why couldn’t I leave it alone? I was getting what I wanted. Lina would go. She’d be safe from the things I couldn’t protect her from. And I could go back to whatever the hell I had before her. Yet I was baiting her, trying to make her share in the responsibility for this spectacular flameout.
She didn’t say a word to me, didn’t rise to the bait. She just walked away.
I followed her into the bedroom and watched as she pulled her suitcase out of my closet.
“I’m sorry this is how it worked out. You’re probably relieved.”
Her jaw was tight, making the hollows under her cheekbones even more pronounced. Still she said nothing as she efficiently unzipped the bag and laid it open on the bed.
Piper hopped onto the bench, then onto the mattress, where she sniffed at Lina’s suitcase.
“You should take her too. I can’t deal with her right now,” I said, gesturing at the dog.
Both sets of female eyes hit me and made me feel like King Asshole of the Planet Asshole.
Lina put her hands on her hips. “Okay. You almost had me. I was buying it until that.”
“Until what?”
She pointed at Piper. “You love her, you idiot.”
“I do not.”
Lina opened the nightstand drawer and withdrew a short stack of papers. “You bought her a bench to help her get on the bed. You have a basket full of toys to entertain her. You dress her in sweaters to keep her warm outside. You love her.”
“That’s not love. That’s taking care and I’m tapped out. I don’t have the capacity to take care of anyone or anything else.” Myself included, I added silently.
“Bullshit.”
“Don’t you get it?” My voice snapped like the crack of a whip. “I can’t take care of her. I can’t protect you. Hell, I couldn’t even protect myself.”
She tossed the papers down on the bed and took a challenging step toward me. “For the record, this is you pushing me away and this is me sticking.”
“I don’t want you to stick.” The words burned like acid in my mouth.
“Who didn’t you protect, Nash?” she said quietly.
Piper curled up in a tight ball in the suitcase and wrapped her tail over her nose.
“Are you forgetting the rock someone threw through your window last night?”
“No one got hurt.”
“Can’t say the same for the woman on a fucking ventilator in the ICU. She’s got a husband and two boys wondering what they’re gonna do if she doesn’t wake up.”
Lina took another step forward. She was too close. I had to fist my hands at my sides to keep myself from grabbing her and holding her to me.
“Does that remind you of your mom?” she asked quietly.
“How the fuck could it not? It happened on the same stretch of road less than two hundred yards away.”
“Baby,” she whispered, inching closer like I was some kind of skittish fucking horse.
“Don’t,” I hissed.
“You can’t get there in time to save everyone,” she said.
“I can’t save anyone. I really need you to go, Lina. Please.”
Her eyes looked glassy, and when she nodded, her earrings shimmered, the golden sunbursts catching the light.
“Okay. You’re exhausted. You’ve had a god-awful day. I’m going to give you some space. I’ll stay next door with Nolan tonight. We’ll talk tomorrow after you’ve had some sleep.”
“Fine,” I rasped. I’d promise her anything just to make her leave before I broke down and touched her.
I stayed where I was, rooted to the spot as she packed a few things into her bag and then wheeled it out around me. I heard her go into the kitchen and turn off the burner. And then I listened for the front door to open and close softly.
She was gone.
And I was alone.
But instead of relief, a wave of panic crashed over me, shoving me under, forcing me down deep.
She was gone.
I’d made the woman I needed, the woman I loved, leave.
I left the bedroom, the sight of the bed we’d shared making me sick. I loved her. I’d known it for a while. Maybe since the moment I found her on my stairs. I’d wanted her. Needed her. And now I’d thrown her away.
But it was the right thing, wasn’t it? She deserved more than to be someone’s crutch, someone’s emotional support fuck. She deserved something real and good. And I couldn’t offer that. Not like this.
Piper sat next to the front door and whimpered pathetically.
I put my hands on my head and headed for the bedroom as the band around my chest tightened to the point of pain. I spotted the papers Lina had left and picked them up. They were from the dog rescue. It was an adoption application. The sticky note on top said in Lina’s bold scrawl, “She’s yours. Make it official.”