It felt like a punch to the gut. I dropped the papers and walked back to the living room. The plant in the window drew my attention. Lina’s plant. It had been nothing but a pot of glossy leaves when she’d moved in, but now it was covered with delicate white bell-shaped blooms.
Lily of the valley, I realized.
My mother’s favorite.
“Fuck.”
FORTY-FOUR
EYE WATER
Lina
Ipushed through the exterior door and stepped out into the rainy night Main Street had to offer. Raindrops pelted my head, soaking my shirt. But I didn’t care. I was angry and hurt and sad and confused. Also hungry. Was this why women in movies always ate ice cream out of the carton after getting their hearts broken?
Feeling the cold stab of each drop was better than feeling the pieces of my stupid heart splinter apart.
This. This was what I got for being vulnerable. I put myself out there. I opened up. And I got punched in the goddamn heart. Which was exactly what I’d predicted. I blamed Naomi. Smug soon-to-be-married women were not to be trusted. Neither were sexy, broody next-door neighbors with great asses and heroic scars.
I knew this. Yet here I was, taking a stroll in the icy rain after making fucking cornbread.
Nash was hurting, and that devastated me in a way I was unprepared to handle. But I couldn’t fix him. I couldn’t open up those wounds of his and force them to heal.
I could only go for a stupid walk in the stupid rain so my stupid eye water could mix with the stupid sky water.
A shuddering sob ripped its way out of my throat.
If he didn’t change his mind, if he couldn’t venture out of his black-and-white thinking and meet me in the gray, I would lose him forever. The thought of that reality was terrifying. And stupid. We barely knew each other, and I was crying in the damn rain over a man who had kicked me out of his apartment.
Or did we know each other better than anyone? a nagging inner voice interjected.
“I hate having feelings,” I muttered to the empty, soggy street.
Everyone else was at home or inside, staying warm, being happy, eating hot food. And once again, I was left on the outside.
I started to walk, crossing my arms over my chest and hunching my shoulders against the cold. I’d barely made it past the warm glow of Whiskey Clipper’s storefront when I heard the door to the apartments burst open.
“Angelina.”
Oh no. No thank you. Nope. I was not letting the man who brought me to literal tears see me in those tears. I was too vulnerable right now. I wouldn’t survive.
Swiping at my wet face with my sleeves, I broke into a run.
He wouldn’t follow me. The man had just tried to dump me. It wasn’t like he was going to chase—
Fast footsteps sounded behind me.
I poured on the speed, my feet slapping at the water on the sidewalk, and thanked my lucky stars that it was a dark, miserable night, which meant there was no one else to witness my tearful humiliation.
He was tired and cold and spiraling. Any second now, he’d decide I wasn’t worth chasing after.
My heart pounded in my chest as my arms pumped harder. I was faster than he was. I could outlast him, outdistance him. If I could just make it to the corner, I wouldn’t have to witness him giving up on me. On us.
A hand closed in the material of my shirt, jerking me backward. Then strong arms wrapped around me hard, banding me to him.
“Stop,” Nash panted in my ear as he pulled me against him. He burrowed his face in the back of my neck. “Just stop.”
A new panic set in. “Let go of me!”
“I tried. I can’t.”
I went still in his arms even as more tears coursed down my cheeks. “I’m…confused.”
“I’m an idiot. An asshole. An idiot asshole who doesn’t deserve you, Angel.”
I tried to pry his hands loose, but the man wasn’t giving an inch. He was squeezing the breath out of me. “If you’re looking for an argument here, you’re gonna be disappointed.”
“All day, all I could think about was what if something happened to you.”
“Nothing happened to me. Nothing is going to happen to me,” I whispered, my breath hitching. How many conversations had I had with my parents that started the same way and ended with me making promises we all knew I couldn’t keep?
“Lucian said we’re doomed to repeat the mistakes our fathers made.”
I fought against his grip and he finally allowed me to turn in his arms. When I looked up into his face, I wished I hadn’t. So much pain. So much sadness. I ached for him.
“You went to Lucian for advice? That guy is one typewriter away from The Shining. I mean, it’s great that he owns his fucked-upness, but he’s the guy you go to for stock tips or to make someone disappear. He’s not the guy you go to for advice on women.”
Nash’s lips quirked as the rain pattered down on our heads. “I repeat. Idiot asshole. I think I was looking for someone to confirm my darkest fears.”
“Well, you went to the right place.”
“My mom asked me to go with her to the store that day. I didn’t feel like it. I was too busy doing whatever kid shit kids do. I could have been there. But I wasn’t. So she died alone in that car. I could have helped her if I’d been there. Maybe I could have even prevented it. But I wasn’t there.”
My heart ached for him when his voice broke.
“After, I made sure I was there every fucking day and I still couldn’t save my dad.”
Tears burned paths down my cheeks. Seeing them, Nash hooked a hand at the back of my neck and pressed my face to his chest. I wrapped my arms around him and held on tight.
“We lost him too,” he continued. “No matter how good my grades were, how hard I worked on the football field, nothing was enough to make him choose us. He wanted something more than he wanted us.”
I let out a shuddering sob, my heart shattering for the boy who wanted to save everyone.
His arms tightened around me until I could barely breathe.
“I wasn’t there when Lucian was arrested. We found out after the fact. He didn’t deserve to be punished for defending himself against his own fucking father. I thought becoming a cop would mean I could finally fix it all. I could protect the ones who needed protecting.”
“That’s what you’re doing. Every damn day, Nash,” I murmured against his damp uniform shirt. His badge was icy against my cheek.
He gave a bitter laugh. “Who am I protecting? I couldn’t even save myself. If not for dumb fucking luck, I wouldn’t even be here.”
I wrestled my arms free so I could cup his face. “On your darkest days, you drag yourself out of bed and you choose to go protect your town, your people. That’s what a hero does, you idiot. What you do is nothing short of heroic.”
Eyes closed, he bowed his head to mine.
Tears continued to spill free onto my cheeks, scalding hot against the icy raindrops. “I’m so proud of you, Nash. You face down your own demons every damn day so you can show up and be there for everyone else. You single-handedly made your entire town safer. Hell, even Tina respects you.”
“My family doesn’t.”
My heart ached for him. “Baby. Your brother and grandmother are two of the worst communicators in the world. Maybe Knox doesn’t understand why you do what you do, but he is so fucking proud of you for doing it. Just like you’re proud of him for using his money to help support the same people you protect. Not that you’d ever tell him that. But you’re the one who stands between your people and danger. You’re the one who’s there immediately after to restore order. You’re the one who does whatever he can to make sure it doesn’t happen again.”