“It is super generous of you.” I rub my temple. “And I really don’t want to be stuck taking the first place I can find. I’ll pay your rent while I’m staying there; I’m not freeloading.”
“I don’t require that, but I appreciate it, Margot. And I mean it. Take the time to think about things. Just because things with Graham are rough and he screwed up doesn’t mean that what you have isn’t real and worth fighting for.”
“Look at you.” I laugh. “Miss true love expert now. Never thought I’d see the day.”
“It’s your fault, you know, for introducing me to this perfect guy.”
We both giggle and I hang up.
I feel better about knowing I have a place to live, but I still need to find my own place long term. Part of me is holding back because I want things with Graham to work out so badly. I want to stay here and live with him and Eleanor.
Not as the nanny, but as his partner. His lover. His everything.
Eight days… You’ve got this.
I feel like I’m constantly on the verge of losing it.
The passionate looks he flashes at me. The way his eyes linger a little too long when I walk away. The small, intimate touches when he’s reaching for something near me.
Why the hell is he always around now? Doesn’t he need to go to his office or something?
“Easy. The toaster didn’t do anything to you.” He smirks as I smash the handle down.
I glance at him before turning to the fridge to hunt for the butter and jelly.
“You okay, Margot?”
Ugh, my belly clenches at the deep timbre of his voice. Flashbacks of him whispering my name in my ear as he did unspeakable things to my body flood my brain.
“Great,” I say—a little too loudly. “Sorry, yeah, I’m great. How are you? You’ve been home a lot.”
He leans against the counter, crossing one leg over the other as his fingers grip the edge.
“Well, this is my home.”
I sloppily butter Eleanor’s toast and apply a thick layer of jam. Normally the chef makes breakfast for the household but he’s off today. I put the butter and jelly back in the fridge, then I quickly leave the kitchen and head upstairs to fetch Eleanor, praying Graham has retreated to his office before I return.
Eleanor has her daylong class today so I drive her to the city and we chat about how excited she is to finally be in what she calls “big girl school” this coming fall. I try to remain positive with her about my leaving, telling her how she won’t need a full-time nanny anymore anyway since she’ll be in school. I tell her that she’ll make lots of fun new friends and have the time of her life.
I grab a coffee and head to my first apartment showing I lined up this week. I’m about five minutes’ walk away from the leasing office when my phone rings and I see his name on my screen.
“Hello?”
I don’t know why I haven’t blocked dear old dad yet. Maybe I’m waiting on the courage to finally sit down and talk to him, attempt to get some answers.
“I hope you’re happy.” He doesn’t even bother with pleasantries.
“About anything in particular?”
“Oh, don’t play coy with me, Margot; it doesn’t suit you. The fucking business deal.”
I stop on the sidewalk. “What about it?” I say, growing impatient.
“Your boyfriend pulled it. Refused to sign the contract and more or less told me to go fuck myself with it.”
I hang up the phone. I’m not interested in hearing anything else from Warren.
“Move, lady.” Someone bumps into my shoulder and I realize I’m just standing in the middle of the sidewalk still, clutching my coffee and wondering if Shelly is right.
Am I making a big mistake now letting Graham fix the issues I had with him? I told him how he hurt me and he’s done everything within his power to fix it and make it right, and here I am, stubbornly refusing to allow my heart to give him a second chance.
I slide the phone in my pocket and head to my appointment. I try to focus on the apartment and amenities, but I’m completely lost trying to figure out what exactly my heart wants.
Six days… six more days and then I’ll be gone from him, possibly forever.
My heart feels like it’s slowly dying.
I pause outside Graham’s office.
The door is ajar. I look inside and see him sitting in a chair, facing the window with a drink in hand. I knock softly and enter, walking up behind him. He doesn’t look at me right away, keeping his gaze trained forward as I approach.
“I know what you’re doing,” I say softly.
He continues staring ahead for a few seconds before slowly turning his head to look at me.
“And what am I doing?”
I exhale and take a seat in the chair next to him.
“The way you look at me. The little touches and glances and comments.”
He chuckles as he looks into his tumbler before taking a sip.
“Margot, just because I’ve fucked up royally and possible lost you forever…” He pauses, his eyes looking at me questioningly before he continues. “Doesn’t mean that I don’t still find you attractive… or want you. I’m sorry if I’ve made you feel uncomfortable.”
I shake my head. “No, you haven’t.” I stand up and walk to the window, looking out over the expansive backyard. Lightning bugs dance in the moonlight.
“You know, when I met Meredith, my wife, she was hell-bent on not dating. She was focused on her career and so was I. I admired that in her. I saw myself in her.”
I listen as I continue to watch out the window, unsure where he’s going with this.
“I was like her. I was rigid in my commitment to my preconceived notions I had about myself in life and business. I had set these rules for myself and I wouldn’t change any of them because if I did, I felt like I was compromising, and compromise was failure in my eyes.”
He grows silent for a moment, clinking the ice around in his tumbler before continuing.
“When Meredith got sick, it was like a light switch came on and I realized that I was boxing myself in. Life is short and unpredictable and there’s no point in having these stringent rules for yourself if your heart’s not in it. I’m not even sure what I’m saying here. It’s just that with you, I didn’t have any of those ideas or rules in place. I just followed my heart and my feelings, and they led me to you.”
It feels like there’s a vise around my heart, squeezing it so tight.
“Do you miss her?”
He nods. “I do. I miss seeing her with Eleanor. It kills me that she won’t get to see her little girl grow up. I’ve processed my grief though. I did have some unhealthy reactions to it, I won’t lie. You know that already. I avoided Eleanor for some time because every time I looked at her, I was reminded of Meredith, of her not getting to raise her. I felt guilt that I still got to do that.”
He stands, placing his glass on the small table next to the chair, and walks up next to me, his chest partially against my back.
“I can’t express to you how sorry I am, Margot. I hate that I’ve hurt you and made you doubt your faith in me not only as a partner but as a friend and a person. I—I hoped things would work out so differently with us. I had hoped you were my future, that you were Eleanor’s future.”