揌i,?she greets me with the same tone you might use when approaching a wounded animal.
揌ey.?We start down the sidewalk. 揟hanks for sending your notes from Monday. Mine were a mess.?Like me.
揧ou抮e welcome. How are you doing??She抯 the only one who knows about Jordan. I ran into her when I came home Saturday night and broke down the second I saw her. I needed to tell someone so I could stop hoping it was only a bad dream.
揙kay. Terrible. Depends on the minute.?
The hockey team is out of town for an away game, but it doesn抰 stop me from imagining him around every corner as we get to the heart of campus. Every dark head of hair and backward hat makes my pulse spike and my stomach twist. He抯 everywhere and nowhere, and I can抰 decide which is more devastating.
揌ave you talked to Violet yet??
I don抰 answer, but the cutting look I shoot her is all she needs.
揝he抯 hurting too. You should talk to her.?
揂nd hear her tell me how she was right? No thanks.?
揅ome on. Vi wouldn抰 do that.?
I抦 not so sure. Not even sure I don抰 deserve it. I thought what I had with Jordan was so different than whatever she抎 had with Gavin. Untouchable even. That抯 the problem with falling in love. It makes you feel invincible. Or maybe that抯 just the problem with falling for someone like Jordan.
When class is over, I linger on campus, avoiding home. I go to the bookstore and look around, but the Valley Hockey merch reminds me of him. From there, I go to the art lab and pull out my sketchbook, but after forty-five minutes of holding my pencil to the pad, I haven抰 summoned the desire to draw anything. My creative muse is drowning her sorrows in a bottle of Fireball.
With no sanctuary in sight, I go back home. Sitting on the floor next to my bed, I reach under and carefully pull out the box of candy. I don抰 open it, just stare at it, trying to picture Jordan tossing things inside.
I miss him, and I really, really hate that I do.
He knew I liked Liam and he deliberately kept us apart. I抦 used to being overlooked or dismissed, and that hurts in its own kind of way. But being seen and not being good enough梩hat抯 brutal.
I don抰 even wish that Liam had asked me out, not anymore, but I hate that Jordan took that from me. It wasn抰 his place. He did something he knew would hurt me and then he knowingly deceived me by throwing himself in front of Liam and pretending to need my help.
All those nights getting to know him that I抳e held so close to my heart. I can抰 help but look back at every encounter and second-guess the things he said and did. How could he do that? How could he kiss me and say such sweet things without telling me?
I抦 mad at him, but I抦 mad at myself too. I ignored all thoughts that we didn抰 make sense together. Did I really think the hottest player on campus was spending all that time with me because he genuinely liked me? The ache in my chest gives me my answer.
Leaving the box untouched, I go downstairs and out into the back yard. The music is going next door, and voices carry over the fence. It抯 early, and the party isn抰 at full volume, but it drowns out my footsteps as I cross the yard to the tree house. My favorite place is ruined with memories that make me feel like a fool.
My chest lifts and falls as my breaths quicken. My steps are slow and measured, my body trembling. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him.
I love him.
My fingers wrap around the ladder. I squeeze the wood and pull, wishing I could tear the whole thing down with my bare hands. It doesn抰 budge.
This close to the fence, I can hear the party more clearly梩he laughter, the happy chatter, and drunken squeals of delight.
I grip the ladder until my knuckles turn white and my palms sting. And then I open my mouth, and I scream.
I scream until my throat is raw and no sound is left.
I scream until I抦 me again. Quiet Daisy.
31
JORDAN
We get back to Valley late Wednesday night, and Coach gives us Thursday off practice to rest.
Rest, get blackout drunk, tomato tomahto.
Power hour is followed by a trip to the bar, and then we head to McCallum抯 apartment. I haven抰 found the point of drunkenness that makes me forget about Daisy and the gaping hole where my heart is supposed to be, but I have found the point that makes it a dull, blurry ache.
I抦 not really in the mood for cards or video games or even talking, so I head outside to the back deck. Someone brought the speaker out here, and girls are dancing in a big group.
揧o,?Dallas says as I fall into the chair next to him. He eyes the bottle of Fireball in my hand. 揅an I get a shot of that??
揟his one is all mine,?I say, and lift it to my lips. The cinnamon whiskey slides down my throat. It抯 the same bottle Daisy and I shared, and I抦 going to drink every drop myself unless it抯 her asking to have a drink.
I let my head fall back, and I stare up into the clear night sky. The stars are visible, the moon shining bright. Is she in her tree house looking up right now too? Maybe plotting my death or wishing on a shooting star she抎 never met me.
Long hair falls into my face, and for a couple of glorious seconds, I think it抯 her.
揟hatcher!?Cybil抯 voice rings out, and then she tucks her hair behind her ears, so her face is visible. I sit up, and she comes around in front of me.
揌ey, handsome. Wanna dance??She tugs at my hand.
揘o thanks.?
揅ome on.?She pouts.
揃usy drinking,?I say, and then bring the bottle up to take another drink. The last drops trickle onto my tongue, and it feels like the end of so much more than a fucking bottle of whiskey.
揕ooks like you aren抰 busy anymore.?
I let her pull me to my feet, but I hold on to my bottle. I sway, and the world spins.
揘ope,?I say before dropping back into the chair.
揊ine. You sit, and I抣l dance.?
I don抰 understand at first, but then she takes a step closer until she抯 standing between my legs. She moves slowly to the beat. Cybil抯 gorgeous and fun, but she isn抰 Daisy.
I抦 about to move when Liam walks up next to her and steps between us.
揥hat the hell??he grits out.
揑t wasn抰 what it looks like,?I start, but my tongue feels funny, and the words come out jumbled.
揝orry, Cybil,?he says. 揑 need to get him home.?
揑抦 not ready to go home yet.?I pull my arm away when he grips my elbow. 揋rab me a beer, will you??
揑 got it,?Cybil offers.
揘o.?Liam抯 tone is hard as he snaps at her, and I can see the regret immediately as she looks at him in shock. His voice softens. 揅an you give us a minute??
She nods and turns toward the door.
揑抳e never heard you be such an ass before,?I note when she抯 gone.
揧eah, well, I抳e never wanted to kick someone抯 ass as much as I do right now.?
揅ybil? She抯 harmless.?
揑抦 talking about you. What the fuck are you doing here, wasted off your ass??
揑 think you just answered your own question.?I hold up the bottle then remember it抯 empty. 揥hy are you here anyway? Weren抰 you going out with厰 I wave my hand in the air. I still haven抰 met or even learned the name of the guy he抯 dating.
揑 had a bad feeling when you bailed on your classes today, and you haven抰 answered any of my texts.?
揝ucks to be ignored, doesn抰 it??I抳e sent Daisy like twenty texts, and every single one has gone unanswered. I even dropped by her house earlier this week, hoping she抎 let me in so we could talk in person. No answer there either. She抯 made it clear that she wants nothing to do with me.