His body tenses as his gaze goes to the table. Like Mama, he can’t look at me. I realize in that moment that Kaiden is the only one who’s looked at me since leaving Bakersfield. Really looked at me. He doesn’t see Logan, Mama, or my past. He sees me in all my flawed frailty.
“Does Kaiden know?”
It’s a loaded question. Obviously Kaiden knows Lo died. I’m pretty sure there isn’t anyone who was at the Cantina that night that doesn’t. There’s always more to a story though, and I wonder how much Kaiden’s invested.
“No,” Dad says quietly, “he doesn’t.”
“About anything?”
He shakes his head.
Kaiden doesn’t know I’m sick. I don’t take him for an idiot, so he won’t be in the dark for long. I’ve already had one flare, and there’s always more to come. Worse ones. Tolerable ones. As long as the new medication cocktail I’m on keeps working, hopefully he won’t catch on until later.
Much later.
After all, he said he never wanted a sibling. Despite being hyperaware of Lo’s symptoms, no two cases are identical. Not even for twins. Her demise may not be mine, but the endless possibilities of fatality with lupus keeps me on edge.
Does it worry Dad?
“Lo and I would pretend you were on an extended business trip for work,” I admit with no emotion lingering in my tone. He finally looks up at me, his eyes pained and distant. “I would think about all the cool things you were doing on your trip and act like you’d bring us back presents. Lo would sometimes say that you were probably on one of those cruises where they take you to the Bahamas. She always wanted to go on one, you know. When she got sick…”
I force myself to breathe past the sudden nausea taking over me. It’s not the typical kind my system is graced with when the pain becomes intense, but a bone deep nausea of acknowledgment when it sinks in that Lo is nowhere on this planet as a breathing entity.
When she got sick, she would tell me that everything would be okay. She promised Dad would come home and Mama would stop obsessing and we’d be a happy family again. No matter what the circumstance, she remained optimistic.
Then she got worse.
Dad never came home.
Mama became manic.
The night before Lo passed away in her sleep, I held her hand as we curled up in her little bed. She told me I should pretend she’s going away for an extended vacation.
I’m finally going to the tropics, Em.
That was when I knew what she’d known all along. Dad wasn’t coming home, Mama probably wouldn’t be all right, and she wasn’t going to make it through the night.
I wonder if Lo is finally able to enjoy the sun without it hurting her.
“Emery…”
Maybe for the first time since arriving, I see how much Dad’s truly aged. His eyes are wrinkled at the corners and his forehead is creased with lines I don’t remember from before. He’s not even fifty yet, but he looks older.
I push up from the chair. “When Logan got sick, she was so strong. She’s always going to be the strongest person I know. Unlike you, who’s a coward. We had to pretend you were coming back to make sense of what you and Mama couldn’t just explain to us. And what makes it worse is that you couldn’t just own up to your own mistakes long enough to say a final goodbye to your dead daughter.”
“Emery—”
I walk away from the table. “Did you enjoy it, Dad?”
A pause. “Enjoy what?”
“The trip.”
Nothing.
My teeth grind. “I bet Lo is loving hers.”
I pass Kaiden in the hall who’s still dressed in yesterday’s clothes, which means he probably just got in. He stares at me with arched brows and I wonder how much he heard.
We don’t say a word to each other as I pass him, but my shoulder smacks into his without any pain radiating from the petty contact. I’m angry at a lot of things—Logan leaving me, Mama checking out, Dad’s idiocy. Kaiden sees me but doesn’t see me. At least that’s what he pretends.
When I wake up the next morning, there’s a torn piece of notebook paper on my door with Dad’s messy handwriting on it.
Sorry, Emery.
I don’t want Dad’s apology.
I don’t know what I want from him.
Chapter Nine
I’ve only cried once since my diagnosis. It wasn’t when the doctor told me my immune system was compromised or when I saw Mama break down. It wasn’t when I decided to leave and had Grandma try convincing me to stay, or even when I called Dad and asked to move in with him.
It was when I couldn’t wrap my fingers around the doorknob to leave for school. My arms ached, my legs ached, my heart ached, and my swollen fingers wouldn’t straighten as I backed away from the door in defeat. I remember staring at the white wood until it blurred in front of me, then dropped onto the couch and realized I couldn’t even open a door by myself.
My body failed me in such a mundane way, I knew everything was about to change.
Grandma came into the room and saw my tear-stricken eyes, and when she asked if I was okay, I broke. I soaked the knit pillow she made until she pulled me in her arms so I could soak her shirt instead. I cried and she held me and told me it was okay, then she called the school and said I wouldn’t be in.
That was the start of the end.
The swelling in my fingers shifted upward to my arms, and I was bedridden for three days with Mama or Grandma bringing food to me or helping me in and out of the bathroom. I felt like nothing—incompetent and useless.
I cried a lot during that period, wondering if Lo ever felt so helpless. She never cried. Mama would dote on her the best she could, but Logan hated it. She would tell Mama she was fine, and we always believed her.
Because she could still climb trees.
Because she could run around the yard.
Because she could open doors.
Lo was always the stronger one of us.
No matter how bad I want to cry now, I won’t. The stress of Dad not understanding how much his words hurt, or how little he seems to care about my disease, can’t deter me from being strong. Lo would tell me to smile and then force me to do something fun to distract myself from Mama or anything that upset me.
Now’s no different.
I busy myself with school, homework, and books. A few times a week, I even leave and explore the different stores within walking distance. Most of them are café corporations instead of the homey, retro kind that I’m used to going to with Mama and Grandma. It took me walking into Starbucks once to realize I prefer the isolation of rural nowhere.
Sometimes I miss Mama, but the old version of her. The one who loved smiling with her non-golden eyes. She was the person I looked up to, but I can’t find myself doing the same now. Not because I don’t love her, but because I can’t hate her like I wish I did. It would make the guilt go away faster.
Being here makes it easier to forget about how Mama reacted. Dad acts like he doesn’t care, Kaiden doesn’t know, and Cam plays dumb. At first, I hated them for pretending everything is okay when I know it isn’t. The more I think about it, the more I realize it’s a blessing in disguise. I don’t have to be that girl—the sick one.
I can be Emery.
Book nerd.