All thanks to Rachel.
I know it’s jealously. I also know there’s a chance it’ll all be better once she graduates. Then again, all it takes is one person to start a riot before others join in. Her friends have.
Instead of cute pictures of mice drawn on sticky notes, I find doodles of rats and whales on my locker and assigned desks. The first few made me roll my eyes as I balled them up and threw them away before Kaiden found them.
Then came the whispers.
The pregnancy rumors.
The stares.
Brother fucker is my new nickname.
Someone called me a dyke once when I walked down the hall, and my fingers instantly went to my hair and played with the short strands.
At first, I expected the talk to die down on its own. When it didn’t, I thought Kaiden would kill it because there’s no way he hasn’t heard people say anything about me. Unfortunately for me, the same reason people don’t talk back to him is why they don’t bring up gossip on touchy subjects.
They’re scared of him.
I can’t blame anyone. He may be more approachable, at least in my eyes, but that doesn’t take away his painted on scowl from seven thirty to three. They see him as untouchable in the halls and invincible on the field. It’s a deadly combination for someone like me.
But I’m not helpless.
Not even when Rachel approached me asking if I could be part of the school’s annual fashion show…as a plus size model. Apparently there’s a club here that earns credit at the community college for people interested in designing, and they pair up with local stores to get material for the event. It’s a cool idea.
That’s why I smile and tell her I’d love to but already have plans with Kaiden. Being petty has never been who I am, but it seems appropriate for the situation. Giving Rachel the gratification of wearing me down by calling me fat or something else doesn’t sit well with me.
I’m stronger than that.
I always have been.
On practice days, I’ll split my time between watching Kaiden and reading in the library. Once, I saw Mr. Nichols and helped him organize his classroom to make room on the bookshelves for new reading material. He offered me copies of books that were no longer part of the curriculum, so I went home with five worn paperbacks that I read within two weeks.
Kaiden likes calling me a teacher’s pet, but I think it’s his way of not showing the jealousy that I still giggle over whenever he finds me in Nichols’ room.
Annabel and I talk on and off every week, but we never try hanging out. She gets nervous when Kaiden approaches us if we’re speaking after class or walking down the hall together. At first I thought she had a crush on him, which made my vision filter with green. Her dodgy eyes and distant expression tell me it’s something else. She’s uncomfortable.
We may have never become besties, but I thought we were on some spectrum of friendship. She sat with me once at lunch but left early when Kaiden and his friends joined. She’ll tell me about a book she’s reading and make recommendations on what I may like but then walk with her eyes down if someone sees us. There’s never been anything more and I never thought to ask why.
Sometimes acceptance is easier.
It doesn’t make it less lonely though.
Kaiden says that most of the girls at Exeter aren’t friend material anyway, but I don’t think that’s true. His perception on people is different than mine. I try seeing the good in them. He says he sees them for what they are.
The bullies.
The fakes.
His protection is fading because people see him as something different. A graduate. A softie. After all, he’s taken me of all people under his wing. Someone unlike them.
When Kaiden tells Cam and Dad his plans to go to the University of Maryland, Cam wraps him in a hug and starts crying. Dad shifts like I do, almost as if watching it feels like we’re invading on a special moment. Cam insists that we should all go out to celebrate, so we go to a new restaurant that opened in town a few weeks ago. Its yellow walls and wooded counter and stools give it a homey feel, but the light fixtures above the clothed tables make it seem fancier. It’s a mixture of comfort and class, like my two lives merged into one single place with people who have given me a chance I didn’t think I deserved outside of my isolation.
Dad convinces Kaiden to sit by Cam instead of me, which throws off our usual seating arrangement. When Dad pulls out my chair, I give him a small smile before sitting down and watching him do the same beside me.
Our relationship has changed so much since Christmas. Mama gave us room to build a relationship that she prevented us from having all those years ago, and Dad and I have done a lot of talking since the holidays. About Logan. About Mama. About life.
We’ve moved on from the bitterness wedged over a ten-year time period. Neither one of us wants to dwell on the past, me more than him, because there’s no point in trying to change the unchangeable. Our understanding is mutual, we just have different justifications backing the reasons.
Reluctantly, he reads books that I suggest even though Cam says he prefers newspapers and Reader’s Digest. I go easy on him and never force the romance books I love so much into his hands, but fantasy novels on wizards and fairies and dragons. He pretends he doesn’t love them, but there’s a gleam in his eyes when he tells me he finished. It’s the same gleam I get.
“I should take you dorm shopping!” Cam chirps once we put our orders in with the waiter. I stifle a laugh when Kaiden shoots the man a deadly glare after he glanced at my chest while writing my eggplant Parmesan down on his notepad.
Dad sips his water. “I think it’s a little early to think about that.”
Kaiden nods in agreement. “Move in wouldn’t even be until the end of August. It’s not even June.”
Cam frowns. “Time will fly by though. If we get things now, there won’t be as much picked through when it gets closer.” She claps her hands and looks at me. “Why don’t you come with us, Em? It’ll be so much fun! Maybe you can get an idea of what you want for your dorm next year.”
My lips part and a polite rejection is about to escape them when Kaiden says, “She’d love to. Right, Em?”
“Uh…”
Dad smiles, giving my arm a pat. “Sounds like it could be fun. You should go.”
Glancing at the three of them, I realize I can’t say no. Kaiden is smirking and Cam seems hopeful. So I tell her I’d love to and watch as Kaiden hides a victorious grin behind his glass of lemonade.
When we get home it’s late, but we all watch a movie before going to bed. I’m pulling on my shirt in the bathroom when sudden dizziness has me swaying. I hold onto the edge of the vanity and blink a few times until it passes. Taking a deep breath, I hear my bedroom door open and close quietly, a sign that Kaiden is here for the night.
Finishing my business, I hesitate when I glance at the foamy pee in the toilet bowl. There’s a slight pink tint to it that has my heart beating just a little faster.
It’s the vitamins, I tell myself.
It’s dinner.
It’s dehydration.
Over and over I play the game, making excuses until they cycle back through. It’s a game I’ve played for months.
Flushing, I walk over to the sink and wash my hands, ignoring the bite of pain in my fingers and wrists. Giving myself a once over in the mirror, I note my pink nose and cheeks that’s quickly forming a rash.