I brush my thumb against the top of his hand, noticing the smooth skin and tiny brown freckles. “I hear college food is way b-better than the stuff they serve in high school. There are options that don’t involve…mystery meat.”
He chuckles, but it doesn’t sound the same as any other time he’s laughed.
“Kaiden?” I murmur, my thumb stopping in the middle of its movement.
“Yeah?”
“Thank you.” He blinks up at me. “Thank you for being my friend. My best friend. Anyone could have stepped up and…tried knowing me and they didn’t. It was always just you.”
He purses his lips. “Like you said, they were just blindly doing what I said.”
I shake my head. “Annabel talked to me despite you wanting everyone to leave me alone. Sometimes girls would try getting gossip out of me about you. They were all willing to take and not give. Not even Annabel.”
For a while, he doesn’t answer. “I was selfish. I didn’t want you making friends with anyone else.”
I just smile.
I know, is my silent reply.
“But you,” I add, “were always there.”
He allows himself to smirk. “Especially when you didn’t want me to be.”
That’s when I needed you most.
The door clicks open and Dr. Thorne is followed in by Dad and Cam. His face says it all. It’s serious. Firm. I stay withdrawn, staring at the dark-haired man standing in front of me. He looks sympathetic—his eyes drowning in untold apologies and answers that weren’t there before.
He had hope then.
“Ms. Matterson,” he begins, “I’m sorry to have to tell you this…”
I hear his words but don’t absorb them. Instead, I try to calm down Kaiden, whose body is shaking violently next to me.
Dad is ashen.
Cam is crying.
Where is Mama?
Kidney failure.
End stage.
Thorne tries to explain that the disease has eaten away at the vital organs, killing off my kidney function. The headaches are from a mixture of inflammation attacking tissue from the disease and the toxins not being filtered correctly from my impacted kidneys. The weight gain is from water retention building in my legs and face.
Lo hadn’t looked like she’d gained weight in the end. She was fragile, like one touch could shatter her. Her eyes were sunken in the back of her head and her skin was an off-white that resembled a pale yellow. They say her liver had been impacted by then too.
When Thorne clears his throat, he looks between everyone in the room. “There is a complication with moving forward with treatment options that you all need to be made aware of.” His eyes focus on me. “Dialysis would be the next step, because your body is no longer able to filter clean blood through your system. However, it has come to our attention that your heart is being impacted by the strain of your disease. The amount of inflammation around the valves is putting immense amount of pressure on them, which means your heart is working much harder to function properly. That’s what caused the stroke and heightened your blood pressure which you’re still experiencing.
“Dialysis tends to impact the heart for patients who are on it long term. If patients willingly go on dialysis knowing they have heart conditions, the chances of cardiac arrest resulting in death is very likely.”
Someone gasps.
Someone chokes out a sob.
And I just…stare.
It all makes sense.
My lack of friends. My unwillingness to settle down, to find a promising career path, to dream. I never wanted to date—to make time for people in my life. I make thousands of excuses that hold me back from truly living, and the final puzzle piece reveals the reason why.
I’m not meant to.
The realization slams into me, slices through me, opens me up. But I welcome it—the truth.
Maybe the reason I could never feel satisfied with life is because I’m not meant to live a full one. I’m not meant to meet my future husband or have children. The fewer people who care about me, the fewer people I hurt when it all ends.
“What are you saying?” Kaiden growls at him, somehow getting closer to me as if his protection can change things. “If her kidneys are failing and dialysis is the only way to stop her from…dying, then she has to go on it!”
Cam steps forward. “Sweetie—”
“She could fucking die!” he yells, probably waking anybody in the rooms around us from the bone-chilling tone.
“Son,” Dr. Thorne says slowly, “this is not an easy decision either way. You’re correct. Dialysis is necessary to keep filtering the blood before toxins take over making her worse, but the risk of death from her heart condition while on it could also be an outcome.”
Three sets of eyes turn to me.
I just sit there, propped against pillows on a hard mattress. The machines still beep around me, the monitors giving away how I’m feeling as my heartrate accelerates.
They watch me silently.
I stare at nothing across the room.
An empty wall.
An open space.
Nothing important or exciting.
Dr. Thorne steps closer. “Emery, the best course of action I can think to take is speaking to your rheumatologist as soon as possible and considering medication adjustment. If we could lessen the inflammation and keep it at bay, your chances of doing better on dialysis are far greater than choosing to do emergency dialysis starting tonight.”
My lips part slightly as I blink.
Once.
Twice.
A third time.
“Where’s Mama?” I rasp, slowly turning my head to Dad. His cheeks are damp, and his expression is bathed in panic.
“She should be here any minute,” he answers, his voice sounding foreign to me.
I nod.
“Emery,” he says, walking over to me. I notice the way he eyes Kaiden until he replaces my overprotective best friend. “Baby girl, there is a lot to consider here. When your mother comes, I think the three of us need to sit down and talk it through.”
Talk what through? That’s what I want to ask him now, in front of our waiting audience. Does he want to talk about which choice will make me die faster? Or make me suffer longer? Does he want to hash out Mama’s opinion and watch her cry when I tell them I disagree?
My eyes are dry.
Why are my eyes dry?
Taking a deep breath, I turn to the doctor and ignore the way everyone’s eyes burn into my face. “How long?”
His jaw moves side to side. “It depends.”
“Mouse,” Kaiden whispers brokenly.
“If I don’t…” I swallow, my nostrils twitching and throat closing. “If I don’t do dialysis, how…long?”
Kaiden growls.
Dad’s jaw drops.
Dr. Thorne takes a deep breath. “You are at end stage renal failure. To be honest, it’s not long. But everybody is different.”
I close my eyes. “So even if we try adjusting my medication first, there’s a chance…？”
“Yes.”
The room grows eerily silent.
When my eyes open, they instantly find Dad’s. “There’s nothing to discuss then.”
“Emery—”
“Jesus. Fuck!” Kaiden slams his hand against the wall as he storms out, with Cam chasing after him, her palm muffling the sobs escaping her lips.