My heart started to pound, the same way it had when she’d been in my bedroom. It pounded the way it did when she called, or when I saw a letter from her, or when she came out of her house and jogged down the steps.
And she was looking at me now like she loved me.
I knew it wasn’t true. But it felt true. Everyone else would think it was.
I stared back at her. She was holding my gaze and smiling softly and in that moment I wanted to lean down and kiss her, the same way I’d wanted to earlier at my house.
What would she do if I did?
I wanted to know if she ever thought of me like I thought of her. If she got excited to see me. If she had feelings for me beyond our friendship, or if she’d ever thought about it being more than this. I wanted to know if any of this was real. Because it was starting to feel real. At least for me.
I cleared my throat and looked away. “Come on. Let’s get this over with,” I said.
The Beach Boys were playing when we came outside. A blender was running. There were probably at least a hundred people here and the party was loud, but it felt like everything hushed the second we started making our way down the stairs.
Everyone was looking at us.
Briana’s hand slipped into mine and tightened, and I realized how absolutely unbearable this would have been without her. If I had to come here alone, I wouldn’t have been able to do it.
“There they are!” Mom said, spotting us. She closed the distance between us with a coconut drink in one hand and a lei in the other, Lieutenant Dan hopping at her feet. “I waited to carve the pig until you two got here,” she said, hugging Briana and slipping the fresh-flower necklace over her neck. She kissed me hello, and the party sounds resumed around us.
Gwen, Jewel, and Walter came over. Mom left to greet more guests and I stood quietly while Briana made small talk on my behalf, my anxiety at a low hum.
I had to go introduce Briana to Amy and Jeremiah and say hi. Soon.
It would never be as awkward as it would be right now. I knew we just had to get this initial introduction over with, let everyone stare at us, and the rest would only get easier. But I was dreading it. I was trying to rally my courage to go over there. But in the end, Amy and Jeremiah came to us.
“You made it!” Amy said, breezing in and parting the group.
“Thanks for coming.” Jeremiah beamed, coming in for a hug in that confident way my little brother had. The easy rapport of a slightly drunk extrovert surrounded by his own people at his own party.
I felt frozen.
Shut off again, like that day in Benny’s hospital room. Rendered mute by the complicated dynamic of this impossible situation and all the people watching me. Every single person at this party was holding their breath, wondering, How will Jacob deal with seeing Amy with his brother?
My dog pushed his head under my hand.
Amy’s eyes went back and forth between me and Briana. “And this is…？” she asked when I didn’t introduce them.
“Briana,” Briana said, smiling at my ex. “Congratulations on the engagement.”
I cleared my throat. “This is my girlfriend,” I managed.
“I know!” Amy said, a little too brightly. “They told us you had one. We couldn’t believe it.”
I don’t think she meant it to come out like that, but it did. I felt Briana tense next to me.
“I know what you mean,” Briana said curtly. “When Jacob told me what this party was for, I couldn’t believe that either.”
Amy’s mouth fell open. Walter buried his nose in his cup of beer, Gwen sucked air through her teeth, and Jewel whispered, “Damn. Double homicide,” under her breath.
Jeremiah shifted his feet. “I was just telling Amy that the two of you work together?” he said, trying to change the subject.
“Yes,” I said, regaining some of my composure. “Briana’s an ER physician at Royaume.”
“Do you like it?” Amy asked her with a forced smile, obviously trying to make conversation to salvage the bad start.
“Working with him? I love it,” Briana said. She looked up at me with stars in her eyes. “You know what he said to me the other day? You guys will love this story. We had this patient with a degloving injury to the scalp. Half his face was peeled off, really gory. Anyway, we patched this guy up and Jacob grabs me and pulls me into a supply closet and looks me in the eye and says, ‘Briana, I would love you even if you didn’t have a face.’”
I almost choked on my laugh. Her story was so unexpected it completely threw me out of my anxiety spiral.
Amy looked back and forth between us like she was trying to tell whether Briana was joking.
I coughed into my fist, still smiling. “It’s true. I said it.”
Amy pressed her lips into a line. “That’s so sweet,” she said flatly.
Briana clutched my arm. “He’s always saying stuff like that to me. He’s so romantic.” She grinned up at me for a second, then looked back at Amy. “We’re moving in together.”
My head whipped to stare at her.
Amy looked back and forth between us. “You’re…moving in together.” She said it slowly, like maybe she didn’t understand.
“Yeah. He practically begged me,” Briana said. “And then I was like, you’re right, the walls at my place are waaaay too thin, we’re keeping the neighbors up all night and this poor guy’s always too dehydrated to drive home after…Anyway, it’s been so nice to meet you,” Briana said. “But I need a drink. Jacob? Want a drink?”
“Sure?”
Then she dragged me toward the bar and left them standing there.
Well. That was over.
“I hate her,” Briana hiss-whispered as soon as we were out of hearing distance.
“Don’t hate her,” I said, still chuckling. “I’m sure this isn’t easy for her either.”
She muttered something in Spanish. Then she pulled me into a quiet spot next to the pool house. She closed her eyes and let out a long breath through pursed lips like she was trying to settle herself down. When she looked at me again, she shook her head. “I’m sorry,” she said, softer now. “I get very protective over people I care about. And I did not like that.”
“It’s okay,” I said, trying to hide how much I liked that she just said she cared about me.
She crossed her arms. “I mean, what is her problem? Was that necessary? I cOuLdN’t BeLieVe yOu HaVe a GiRlFriEnD,” she said in a mock voice that was supposed to be Amy. “Why exactly is that so hard to believe? You’re a ten. What is so fucking confusing??”
I arched an eyebrow. “You think I’m a ten?”
“You’re an eleven.”
I peered down at her, grinning. “So you’d still love me even if I didn’t have a face?”
This drew a laugh, despite her annoyance.
“Where do you come up with this stuff?” I asked, smiling.
“I am very good at ad-libbing. Seriously, though. I really hope you don’t let anything she says get to you.”
“She’s not a mean person. I don’t think that came out the way she intended.”
“Yeah, well, she’d better learn to be a little more intentional when it comes to you, because I’m not going to put up with it. I was two seconds away from taking my hoops out.”