“You didn’t want to fix it.”
“You wouldn’t talk to me about anything! I felt like I was having a one-sided conversation for the last two and a half years—”
“You were! Thank you for finally noticing!”
She lowered her voice. “You are being so unfair. I was open to therapy. And we went into that session and you told me you didn’t want to have kids with me. You didn’t want to live with me, and you didn’t want to get married. How could we work it out when you were that unhappy? You hated me so much—”
“I never hated you. I didn’t want kids until we understood each other better. That’s not unreasonable. And why are we even talking about this? It’s over.”
She nodded. “Right. It is. But I still care what happens to you. I care if someone takes advantage of you. Do you want to wake up six months from now and realize you’ve been conned into donating an organ for someone you don’t even talk to anymore? I mean how do you know she’s even who she says she is—”
“Stop. Right now.” I stood there, breathing hard. I didn’t want to hear another word of it.
I wasn’t angry because of any of the old shit we were arguing about. I couldn’t care less at this point what had gone wrong between us or what grudges she still held or how we could have salvaged it. I was upset because she was speaking my worst fear into the universe.
I didn’t know how Briana felt—if she felt anything at all. Maybe she was just doing this for the kidney. I honestly didn’t know. And now I worried maybe Amy was seeing something that I didn’t. Maybe it was painfully obvious that Briana could never really want me, and everyone knew it but me. It made me panic and feel defensive and exposed and hopeless.
Because I was falling for her.
That was the truth of it. I was falling for her.
I was already afraid to look directly at what was happening between me and Briana for fear it would disappear. And I didn’t like Amy questioning it or discrediting it—mostly because even I didn’t know if it was anything for Briana other than the performance we’d agreed to put on.
Something clattered in the hallway. Jafar squawked. “Peekaboo, cocksucker! Bieber! Bieber!”
Amy stood there, hurt. She wasn’t looking me in the eye. Her chin quivered and I instantly felt bad for being so short with her.
I dragged a hand through my hair. “Look. None of this even matters. It’s done. And you know what? I’m glad it’s done because you’re with who you should be with.” I paused. “And so am I.”
“I know,” she said quietly. “I just…I feel responsible for you. I don’t want you to get hurt. I would hate that.” She looked back at me. “I just want you to be okay. I want you to be happy. As happy as I am.”
I gave her a small nod. “I know,” I said, my voice low. “I believe that.”
She paused for a moment. Then she seemed to decide something and she closed the space between us and gave me a hug.
“I’m sorry, Jacob,” she whispered. “I’m so sorry I hurt you.”
I let out a long breath. “I’m not hurt,” I said, hugging her back. “Not anymore.”
And it was the truth. Because I no longer cared.
I loved Amy. But I was not in love with her. I saw that now. I was completely and utterly over it. I wasn’t angry. I wasn’t resentful. This hug was as platonic as if I was hugging my sister—and I was.
It occurred to me that the universe had set something to rights when she chose Jeremiah. That maybe this was the way it was always supposed to be. Amy was always supposed to be a part of this family and a part of my life. She just wasn’t for me. And it was obvious to me who was.
“You don’t have to worry about me,” I said, tucking her under my chin. “Because I’m happy. And everything between me and Briana is real.”
Only I had no idea if that was the truth. But either way, today was the day I was going to muster the courage to find out.
Chapter 25
Briana
I waited five minutes and then I excused myself to follow Jacob into the taxidermy room.
Nobody noticed we’d left the table. The party was in full swing. Jeremiah was belting “500 Miles” on the stage and everyone was singing the chorus. I slipped into the house and made my way down the hall, and that’s when I heard the voices. Jacob’s and Amy’s voices. They were arguing.
My heart sank.
I backed up against the bookshelf to listen, barely breathing.
“It was never that I didn’t want you…” Amy said.
More muffled fighting.
“…one-sided conversation for the last two and a half years.” Amy again.
“You were! Thank you for finally noticing!” he yelled.
I’d never heard Jacob angry. I’d never seen him upset. I didn’t even know he was capable of it.
But of course he was capable of it. Because it was her.
This was just like all the times I’d stumbled onto Kelly and Nick arguing. Fighting because they couldn’t be together. Fighting because they were in love with each other and frustrated because it hurt. You don’t argue with someone you don’t give a shit about.
He was still in love with her.
Jacob was not over this.
But the worst part of all was that neither was she.
Amy must have followed him in here. Waited until she could get him alone to come corner him when Jeremiah wouldn’t notice.
Or maybe she didn’t. Maybe he’d cornered her.
And just like that, my Maybe I Could Date Him turned into a resounding No.
And I was so, so disappointed. Like a rug had been pulled out from under me.
I was instantly reminded that this arrangement was exactly what Jacob said it was—an arrangement.
He hadn’t been falling for me. None of this was real. He was pining over someone else. And that someone else hadn’t resolved her feelings for him, despite being engaged to his brother.
I wanted to cry. It was so fucked up.
Something in my gut told me they’d get back together. That I was witnessing the moment they both realized that seeing each other with someone else was just too hard.
She’d probably gotten jealous seeing us together. This was probably getting too real for her—the wedding was barreling toward her, Jacob had “moved on,” and she was getting a reality check realizing that she and Jacob were truly over—and she couldn’t handle it.
I already knew how he felt. He told me the day I agreed to our charade: I love her.
Unresolved love always circles back. It lingers. It festers. It builds inside of you until it has to come out, and it putrefies everything else. It makes you resent who you’re with because they can’t be the one you really love and never will be. It makes you compare and feel disappointed every time you realize no one is as good as her.
I knew this better than anyone. I’d already lived it once.
Something crashed behind me.
“Peekaboo, cocksucker! Bieber! Bieber!”
Jafar had knocked a frame off the shelf. I’d been so focused on listening I didn’t even see the bird fly in.
I tore around the corner before the door opened and went back to the party.
Half an hour later Jacob and I drove home in silence. He’d come out of the house quiet and anxious. Amy came out a few minutes later, looking like she’d been crying.