“One. Maybe one-thirty. I have to finish Benny’s dialysis. You don’t have to stay up. Just leave a blanket on the porch swing and let me in when you get up in the morning.”
“What happened?”
I pulled the phone away from my mouth for a second while I choked down the lump in my throat. “I can’t tell you now or I’m gonna cry. I can ask Benny to go to the dialysis center for a few days. I have two more days off work. I just need to get out of here and be somewhere else.”
I heard her shut off the water. “Okay. But I’m waiting up.”
“No, seriously. Don’t. Just leave the door unlocked.”
We hung up. I packed my bag, finished Benny’s dialysis, and left.
Jacob didn’t text or call me like he usually did at night. It made my stomach hurt. I felt like I’d just gone through a breakup.
Up until now I’d been able to pretend that maybe Jacob had spent so much time with me because he was actually a little interested in me.
And maybe he was. I believed that feelings could overlap. That he could be in love with Amy and maybe also have a crush on me.
But that wasn’t enough.
I didn’t want to share space with another woman inside of the man I loved. I’d done it one too many times. I was tired of making excuses for why it was okay to accept less than I deserved. At the very least I deserved to be with someone who had worked through their own shit. And Jacob hadn’t. Clearly.
I got to the Grant House around one-fifteen in the morning—and Alexis opened the door before I got up the front steps.
“Ugh. I told you not to wait,” I groaned.
She hugged me against her baby bump. “I’m a wartime consigliere. We don’t sleep on the job.”
Daniel greeted me with the dog when I got in the door. He’d waited up too. Now I felt even worse. He hugged me. Then he kissed his wife on the side of her head and went to bed.
I wanted her to go to sleep, but she hustled me into one of the guest rooms, lit a candle, settled onto the mattress next to me, and punched a pillow under her head. “Tell me.”
And I did.
I told her everything. And I cried like a baby.
“I really liked him,” I said, sniffling, wiping under my eyes.
“And now you don’t?” she asked.
“I do. But I let myself get all twitterpated and I forgot what we were doing. I’m here to do a job, it’s not real. You know I was actually thinking that maybe I could date him?” I let out an incredulous noise. “But he’s not into me. He just wants me to help him get over her.”
“Did he explain himself? Tell you about the fight with Amy?”
“No. And I didn’t tell him I heard it. What would be the point? All he’d do is deny it. Try to convince me I didn’t hear what I think I did—or he’d confirm everything, tell me that Amy would always be the love of his life, but that he’s really ready to move on, which he’s not.” I shook my head. “You should have heard how upset he was. The way they were arguing. He doesn’t get like that, Ali. He’s all measured and reserved. Quiet.”
“What’s she like?”
I rolled my eyes. “Perfect. She looks like Rosamund Pike, but somehow prettier.”
“You’re pretty too,” she said, closing her eyes.
“Ha.”
What did it matter if I was pretty? Or smart? Or if he liked to spend time with me and confide in me and lean on me.
Because just like with Kelly, I still wasn’t her.
Chapter 26
Jacob
I went back to my parents’ house after I dropped off Briana.
I found Mom in the kitchen alone, wrestling the trash from the can.
“Jacob,” she said when I walked in with Lieutenant Dan. “I thought you and Briana left hours ago.”
“Mom, I got it.” I took the trash bag from her and tied the top in a knot and set it next to the can to take out when I left.
I looked around. “Where’s Dad?”
“He’s dealing with the pool cleanup. It’s not too bad, we’re almost done.”
I stood there, my hands in my pockets, looking at the floor. I didn’t know why I came here. I just knew I couldn’t go home. I’d never sleep.
“What’s wrong, sweetie? You look upset.”
Upset didn’t begin to cover it. I was crushed. Embarrassed. Deflated. I was disappointed in a way I’d never felt before.
Mom waited, and when I didn’t elaborate, she nodded to the sliding back door. “Come on. Let’s go sit on the deck. We’ll watch your dad fish Carter’s swim trunks out of the pool.”
“He got out naked?”
“As a jaybird. Streaked across the yard for five minutes before Gwen caught him. I swear between the twins and your grandfather, I’ve lost ten years off my life.”
I cracked a small smile. We went to the deck and took a seat on the cushioned sofa. The luau was over. The tiki lamps were still lit, and leis and empty Solo cups were scattered all over the yard like a tropical Mardi Gras. Dad was down there with the pool net, scraping the bottom while the red cups rolled around in the breeze.
Lieutenant Dan jumped up and put his head in Mom’s lap, and I looked at Mom’s hands while she petted him. They were arthritic.
Her lupus didn’t flare much anymore, but the damage had already been done to her body. She was tough. She worked through the pain and kept doing what she loved. And when she couldn’t, we helped her.
Mom reminded me a lot of Briana, actually. They were both strong. And stubborn—and they knew themselves. Briana wouldn’t have said no unless she meant no. She said it so quickly too. I cringed again at the memory.
“Did you and Briana have a fight?” Mom asked, breaking into my thoughts.
I didn’t know how to explain this to her. That my girlfriend didn’t actually like me, didn’t want to go on a date with me, and intended to fulfill her promise to me like a contract that would be void upon completion of the work.
I couldn’t believe she said that. That we just needed to get this over with and then I could just date someone else. Like she was interchangeable with some other random woman. Like girlfriend was a position I was trying to fill.
I didn’t want anyone else.
She said she’d already done the “Love the One You’re With” thing. Is that what she’d be doing with me if we dated? Settling?
The hurt crashed over me all over again. The humiliation.
I scrubbed my hands over my face. “I don’t think Briana feels as strongly for me as I feel for her,” I said. “And I don’t know what to do about it.”
Mom sat quietly next to me.
“Can I ask you a question?” She waited until I looked at her. “Why did you let it go on with Amy for so long? You were so unhappy. Everyone saw it.”
I stared out at the pool for a long moment. “I was afraid of change,” I said finally. “And I thought it was me. I thought any relationship I was in was going to be that hard because of who I was. How I was.”
She shook her head. “Jacob. Have you ever heard the saying that if you’re with someone who doesn’t speak your language, you’ll spend a lifetime having to translate your soul? Amy never spoke your language. That’s all. Nothing wrong with either of you, just two different people. That’s how I can tell Briana’s different. She understands you, even when you don’t say anything at all.”