She dipped her head to look at me. “Has she had any therapy? Talked with anyone?”
I sat back against the sofa and dragged a hand down my mouth. “I don’t know. She doesn’t have a therapist now, I know that. I don’t know what she did back then.”
Mom nodded. “Well, if I had to guess, knowing what I know of Briana, she probably didn’t. She’s tough. Self-reliant. She’d try to muscle through it. But if you don’t deal with trauma, it just circles back around. She’s probably depressed. And depression lies, Jacob. Nothing it’s telling her is true, but she can’t know that in her state without help.”
I looked her in the eye. “So what do I do?”
“You know what to do. It’s what you did with him.” She nodded at the dog sleeping at my feet. “You move slowly. Be consistent. Give her reassurance. Make her feel loved and safe. Show up. Don’t give up on her and make sure she knows you never will. And try to get her into therapy.”
I blew a breath through my nose and nodded. “Okay.”
“She must love you very much,” she said.
“Not as much as I love her. I don’t even think it’s possible that she could,” I said quietly. “She’s it, Mom.” I looked at her. “I think I knew it the moment I laid eyes on her.” I laughed a little. “Even though she was telling me off.”
She smiled gently at me and put a hand on mine. “I want you to know that watching two complete strangers fall in love has been one of the greatest gifts of my life.”
I stilled. “What do you mean?”
She grinned ruefully. “Come on, Jacob. It’s my job to know when it isn’t real. And also when it is.”
Chapter 47
Briana
It was surgery day. Mom and I came down last night and got Benny admitted. Jacob was driving down with Zander.
I ate a dry bagel from the hotel’s breakfast buffet, had a decaf coffee, and managed to keep both things down. I realized if I never let my stomach get empty I was less nauseous, so I took a box of Cheerios with me and ate a few at a time every couple of minutes like I was feeding a fire.
I tried not to think of adapting to this pregnancy. I didn’t know whether it was a long-term situation. I didn’t know if I’d be carrying around boxes of Cheerios in a week. I was just dealing and not allowing myself to think beyond one day at a time. One minute. One second.
When we got to the hospital, Mom ran down to the cafeteria to get me some tea. I headed to the surgical waiting room and found Alexis sitting in one of the gray chairs. I practically fell into my best friend’s arms. “Thank you for coming.”
I’d told her everything last night on the phone, sitting alone in the hotel parking lot in the car while Mom was sleeping. Alexis was planning on coming and visiting after Benny and Jacob were in recovery, but after we talked, she’d changed her plans and drove down this morning instead.
“Zander was just here,” she said over my shoulder. “He went to go talk to the surgeon. Jacob’s already checked in.”
Just hearing that Jacob was close made the floodgates open again. I dropped into a chair and buried my face in my hands.
I felt like a sponge. I couldn’t stop crying. And every little thing just wrung me out. I knew I wasn’t in my right mind. I was barely hanging on, and nothing was making it better.
I didn’t care that Benny was getting his transplant today. I didn’t care that I was still pregnant and holding, almost six weeks in, or that Jacob seemed to still love me—for now. No matter how many good things were happening around me, this fear just swallowed me and held me in its dark belly. Everything felt hopeless. And I didn’t know how not to feel like that.
I felt Alexis sit next to me. “Are you still thinking about breaking up with him?” she asked softly.
I sniffed and nodded into my hands.
“Oh, Briana.”
“I know.”
It was all I could say.
“It’s normal to be scared,” she said gently. “You’ve been hurt, it’s hard to feel safe again. This is just the flinch.”
I wiped under my eyes with the top of my shirt. “Maybe the flinch is the only thing that keeps you from getting hurt again.”
“Maybe the flinch is the only thing that keeps you from being happy.”
I looked at her and she held my gaze steadily. “Bri, you are the bravest woman I know. So be brave.”
My chin quivered.
She reached over and pulled some tissues from a box and put them in my hands. “He really loves you. I could tell before I even met him. I could tell by the way you talked about him that he did. Even Daniel saw it.”
I clutched the Kleenex in my lap for a long moment, just staring at the translucent spots my tears made on the tissues as they fell.
“I have to go,” I said, my voice weak. “I have to go see him before they take him in.”
I rallied what little of my strength I had left and stood.
Alexis looked up at me from her seat. “Bri? When he tells you he loves you, believe it. Be brave and believe it.”
I took a deep breath and gave her a nod, even though I knew I wouldn’t.
I wandered the halls until I found his room. Jacob’s face lit up the second he saw me. It made me feel guilty and horrible and exhausted.
He was in a hospital gown with a blanket over his lap. His handsome face was tired and maybe a little anxious. But mostly it was searching. Like he was hoping to see something on my face that I know he didn’t see.
I sat on the chair next to his bed while they finished putting in his IV. It was one of those quiet moments where I used to think we were agreeing to be harmless to each other. Only I wasn’t being harmless to him. And I didn’t trust he wouldn’t be harmless to me.
When the nurse finished up and finally left us alone, he held out his palm. I scooted as close to his bed as I could. I took his warm hand, and he threaded his fingers in mine and squeezed. He leaned over and kissed the top of my head and I had to pinch my eyes shut.
“How are you?” he whispered.
“Better,” I lied.
I looked up at him. His gentle brown eyes. The face that once made me forget to be cautious and afraid.
I wanted to go back to that time. Be blissfully oblivious.
I couldn’t go back.
“How are you feeling?” I asked, forcing conversation. “Are you nervous?”
He held my gaze. “I’m not scared of what’s going to happen in there. I’m scared you won’t be there when I come out.”
My chin trembled and I had to look away from him.
“I love you,” he said.
Tears welled in the corners of my eyes.
“You know, love shows up, Briana. And even if you keep me away from you, my heart will still be where you are. So just let me be where you are.”
I was crying again. “I love you too,” I said. “I really do.”
I put my head on his bed and he put a hand on my hair and we just sat there in silence. And I got the feeling he was happy he was even getting this.
A nurse pulled back the curtain. “All right, it’s time to go. Are we ready?”
Jacob nodded, but he never took his eyes from me. They began to wheel him out, and I got up to walk next to the bed. I held his hand until we got to the double doors of the staff-only area. I leaned down and kissed him with tight lips, trying not to cry.