“But North isn’t Lucas.”
“I know.” Sort of. “I understand rationally that North is not Lucas. And that he might even be a really good guy. But my gut is still screaming ‘Danger, Will Robinson.’”
Confusion marred her brow. “Danger who?”
I gaped at her. “Lost in Space. ‘Danger, Will Robinson.’”
She looked no less confused.
“The TV show. The robot that warns Will Robinson whenever there’s a threat?”
Sloane chuckled apologetically. “I don’t know that show.”
I shrugged. “It’s originally from the 1960s, but they remade it a few years ago.”
“Like I have time for TV.”
“I don’t have time for TV either, but I grew up with Wesley Howard. If it’s about movies and TV, it’s trapped in here.” I tapped my temple.
Sloane chuckled. “Okay. Anyway, back to what matters. Basically, your head is saying North might be a good guy, but your gut is telling you to run?”
“Exactly.”
“I think you’ve got it confused. I think your gut is telling you North is a good guy, but your trauma is telling you to run.”
Maybe she was right. But I wasn’t in a place where I could take the chance to find out. I told her as much.
“Not even for one night of great sex that might give you your confidence back?” Sloane suggested.
The thought of North seeing me naked made me cross my arms over my chest. Right now, I liked that he was attracted to me. It made me feel good, even if it was confusing. The idea of him looking at my naked body and it repulsing him freaked me out. My throat tightened.
“Aria, what’s going on in that head of yours?” My friend pushed.
I was ashamed that I was so ashamed of my body. It wasn’t who I wanted to be, but there was only so much a person could take before they started to believe the shit others said about them.
At my silence, Sloane continued, “I always knew I wanted more with Walker than just sex. But I also thought it would never happen because he was such a bachelor. And I thought, what if I never feel this physically attracted to someone again? Did I want to give up the possibility of amazing sex just because it wouldn’t last? I didn’t. I decided I wanted what I could get from him. And even knowing that I was falling for him, I was still glad I took that chance because the sex was unbelievable.” She laughed. “And it keeps getting better. If Walker had decided we were done, I wouldn’t have regretted him.”
“What are you saying?”
“You could take this chance with North. One night. Be in control of the situation and take what you want from him because he’s offering.”
I stared out at the water as we slowed to a stop. Unable to meet Sloane’s eyes, I confessed, “I used to have some insecurities about my body because my mother was always on my case about what I ate. But my high school boyfriend loved my body, so he helped me learn to love it too. Then after we broke up, my next boyfriend made little comments like my mom did about the things I ate. Like, ‘Maybe you shouldn’t have that cake for dessert.’”
“Asshole,” Sloane spat.
I smirked sadly at her fierce loyalty. “And you already know what Preston and Lucas said. Over the years, those small insecurities have kind of grown to …” Frustration and sadness fought to overwhelm me, but I pushed those emotions back. My voice was brittle with that fight. “I don’t even like looking in the mirror if I’m in my underwear. So how can I get naked with North? Or any man, for that matter? And I hate that I’m letting them win by making me feel that way, but it’s an ugly self-loathing I can’t move past.” The awful words rang out between us and I desperately wanted to take them back.
Sloane wouldn’t let me.
She grabbed my hand and tugged, forcing me to look at her.
Tears of empathy gleamed in her eyes. “If I could hunt down every one of those guys, I freaking would. Or I’d sic Walker on them,” she seethed. “I wish you didn’t feel that way about yourself. And I won’t tell you I think you’re gorgeous, even though you’re genuinely one of the most physically beautiful people I’ve ever met in my life, and I’m dumbfounded you don’t know that … but because I have a feeling it doesn’t help when something is this deep-seated in your mind.”
That was the thing. Sloane wasn’t the first person to tell me I was beautiful. Mamma’s modeling agency had even approached her about adding me to their plus-size roster, but I had never been interested in modeling, much to my mother’s chagrin.
So why was I, a successful, independent woman, letting people ruin how I saw and felt about myself?
“Look, it’s going to take more than a guy to help you feel confident again. You’re going to have to find that place within yourself. But that doesn’t mean North can’t guide you to it. That he can’t help you see yourself clearly again. And maybe you won’t ever trust another actor to be in a relationship with … but do you want to be alone forever?”
The thought of sitting all alone in that big empty house over the water filled me with icy dread. The word was hoarse as I pushed it out. “No.”
Sloane squeezed my hand again. “Then let North be your guide. He was the one who suggested one night of no-strings sex.”
“And you really think one night will magically fix me?”
“No. But it might be the first step to finding yourself again. And from there, maybe you’ll let some future Mr. Aria Howard into your heart.”
Her words percolated through my mind as we stared out at the water in perfect silence. The thought of stripping myself bare for North caused a strange mix of anticipation and anxiety.
I had a choice.
I could stay in this lonely fortress I’d built around myself where I’d locked away my sexuality to keep me safe from my and other people’s ugly thoughts … or I could be brave.
Could I be brave?
Thirteen
ARIA
Ihad never tried to sneak into the castle before, and I was shaking with jitters trying to do it now. Deciding to park my car at the spa and gym building so no one would come looking for me if I parked it at the castle, I walked the five minutes to the main building, glancing around like I was being followed. Or up to no good and didn’t want to be caught.
The latter was true.
After talking with Sloane yesterday, I hadn’t been able to get North out of my mind. The idea of being naked with him still made me feel sick with nerves, but I didn’t want to go through life hiding anymore. Every action I’d taken throughout my entire existence had been because of someone else. I hadn’t gone to an East Coast college because I wanted to be there for Allegra, and that was fine. I didn’t regret that. But then I’d stayed in LA for her and my mother. Finally, when I left like I’d always wanted, it wasn’t because I was ready to be brave and make a decision for myself. It was because I was humiliated and needed somewhere to escape.
It was way past time to start making decisions based on what I wanted.
So instead of leaving work at eight o’clock, I’d parked my car at the spa building and made my way back like a sneaky little sneak. It was kind of pointless to slink into the castle because there were cameras everywhere in the public rooms and at all the entrances and exits. Security would know I was there as soon as I walked in. However, I didn’t want to bump into any of the staff because I didn’t want to explain what I was doing there.