“How long have you been doing this?” Kalos asks.
“It’s been a few years now. The jobs I take from paying clients allows me to take on more pro-bono projects… I don’t know how else to make amends without turning myself into the Council.”
Kalos tightens his grip on my thigh.
“Oh, don’t worry,” I say, my voice cracking with humor. “I have no will to serve myself up to their dubious justice.”
“When does it stop, Rina?”
I blink in surprise. “When I don’t feel guilty anymore?”
His sigh rumbles out. “That isn’t how guilt or shame works. There will never be a moment where you’ve done enough to wash the memory of that woman from your mind. It will always hurt.”
My lower lip trembles. I don’t want what he’s saying to be true. I want there to be a day when I’m free of this malignant sensation in my chest.
“And you can’t keep doing this to yourself,” he says gently. “The universe doesn't care about your stealing.”
“What?”
“Making amends is one thing, but you think that by doing the work of restoring others’ treasures that it will make a difference, that it will make you feel better, but if that were the case, it would have already happened.” The warmth of his hand on my back sinks into my chest as if to cradle my heart. “You’ve weighed yourself down with these sorrows. If you let it, you’ll drown under them.”
I swallow. Once upon a time, I would have accepted that as justice, but I don’t want to drown. I want to be happy and loved.
Kalos’s face softens. “Do you think that I’ve never caused pain, death, or heartbreak that I’ve regretted? Part of being long-lived is accepting the guilt for the things you’ve done but not letting it smother you. It’s honorable to try and make amends for what you’ve done, but there’s a line between that and sacrificing your potential because of your guilt.”
Kalos’s talon brushes my cheek as he tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. “You have more value to give the world than your atonement.”
“I don’t know what you mean.”
“I told you the universe doesn’t care about the wrongs you’ve done, and I believe that. But if what you care about is the good you can do, think of how much more you could do if you focused on what you’re passionate about instead of this work.”
I snort. “You want me to just stop the business I’ve built and what? Freeload off you?”
He shrugs. “You can train a replacement if you want to keep it, but I’ll happily provide for you for the rest of your life. I’d planned on that anyway.”
I blink in surprise at that. Kalos continues, “We both know what you truly enjoy. How often in the years you’ve spent restoring have you let yourself invest time in your artwork?”
Almost never. I’ve done more sketching during the time I’ve stayed in this house than I have in years. Being transposed from my life forced me out of the habit of working day and night. With how much I’ve focused on making amends, sacrificing what I enjoy seemed to be the right thing to do.
“Art is precious. Creation is humanity’s best asset. It can touch thousands of souls and make life worth living,” Kalos says.
The rejection in me is instant. “Not my art.”
“Why not your art?”
Because I don’t deserve that.
Something in my face must show my thoughts. It’s as if I’m defenseless in front of him.
“Rina—” His voice is too soft, and the rejection of what he offers rears its head.
“You shouldn’t be the one lecturing me about letting go of damaging emotions,” I interrupt him and regret it as soon as the words leave my lips, but it doesn’t make it less true.
Kalos’s eyes flash in surprised pain, but he nods in agreement. “Touché, little queen. Touché.”
My throat swells at that. It’s the first time he’s called me that name since we first met, and as much as I craved to hear it again. I didn’t want it to be like this.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper.
“Don’t be.” Kalos shakes his head as he pulls away. “I pressed against your wounds, it’s only fair for you to do the same to me.”
I open my mouth to say something, anything to recapture the ease we had, but Kalos doesn’t give me that opportunity.
“I need to get back to my meetings.” He slides me off his lap and places me on the armchair before standing and straightening his suit. “I’ll leave you to your work.”
“Okay,” I whisper, feeling numb and like I ruined yet something else precious.
He pauses in the doorway. “Thank you for the conversation, Rina. And you’re right.”
I want to ask what I’m right about because the more his words echo in my chest, the more I realize there’s truth in what he said as well.
I sit where Kalos had, the leather still warm from him. As the surface cools to my skin temperature, I think thoughts I’ve never let myself travel before.
Could I do more good doing what I love instead of trying to appease my guilt?
19
KALOS
I SWIPE through folders on the tablet. Each one holds the details of individuals who will be allowed the closest to me in rank and in physical access. It’s been weeks of research and interviews. These candidates are those who are most loyal to me and the most capable in their fields.
The business has been buzzing about it. People are anticipating something big, and they’ll get it.
Splitting power is big news. The promotions will cause strife but will ultimately solve the issues we’re dealing with. Each candidate will run their own branch of my business. I don’t have the will to micromanage anymore. To focus so much on the business only leaves more room for those who would try to slip past my defenses. I must be available to protect my family.
The thought stings, but I’ve gotten more used to thinking of Katarina and those close to me as such. After avoiding attachments for lifetimes, one thief has shaken everything up.
I hand the tablet back to Ben. “I approve.”
This will be an interesting change. I’ve functioned for centuries without an inner circle, save for Ben.
He nods while he swipes through the same files. “Stevens, Troy, and Keller. I’ll call them in.” He looks up at me. “You’re sure you want to do this?”
I tap my claws against the desk. “Giving them ownership will ensure that things are run properly. It gives each of them something to protect.”
I grit my teeth against what comes next, but it’s a price to pay. It will not do to promote others over my right hand. I cannot keep Ben indefinitely.
“Do you also want such a posting?” I ask. “You have dedicated many years in my service. You would have whatever branch you want.”
“Stop.” Ben doesn’t look up from undoubtedly typing an email on his phone. He doesn’t appear surprised by my offer.
I narrow my eyes. “You are welcome to do anything in our organization you want—”
“Kalos.” Ben glances up now. “I’m honored to have the position I do. Stop trying to get rid of me.”