Not his fault I’ve gotten rusty. As if I need to always be on my guard and live my life like he does, running from shadows and being threatened by clients. He’d rather I be miserable so we can be miserable together.
Because me being miserable is useful.
“I didn’t check for the spell because I trusted you.” I thought he cared for me at least a little bit. I got into a fight with Kalos over that fact. Granted, if the fight wasn’t about Nemo, it would have been something else, but the truth still stings.
Kalos was right. I had my suspicions, but suspecting that Nemo only acted like he cared enough to use me and having it presented to my face is something else entirely.
Nemo widens his eyes. Like he’s surprised I’d be stupid enough to trust him. I am too.
I shake my head. “We’re finished. You need to leave.”
“You’re just going to forget everything I’ve done for you?” he sputters. “If I leave here, the Leonids are going to pick me up as easily as shooting fish in a barrel.”
“I’ve forgotten nothing!” I shout. “I’ve more than paid back my debts. It’s not my fault or problem that you’re in trouble with the Leonids.”
At the mention of the Leonids, I head for the bedroom. Nemo’s presence sidetracked me. I only came here for my bag before heading to my next destination.
“Katarina!”
I freeze. The tone of his voice shifts from alarm to smugness.
“Why do you think the Leonids attacked the dragon’s place? They need leverage. Do you think I wouldn’t give them the dragon’s girlfriend?”
Fear tightens my throat. I hadn’t known it was the Leonids attacking the mansion, but that detail pales in comparison to the danger of this moment. For all that I’ve known that Nemo works with dangerous people, I’ve never considered him a threat to me.
To my daughter.
The movement is instinctual, and I’ll regret it for as long as I live. My hand comes to my stomach for a split moment—only a moment—before I jerk it away. But it’s too late.
Nemo’s eyes drop and widen. “Oh fuck.”
He slides his hand out of his pocket, and panic is an ugly song in my mind at the sight of his phone already lit up with either a call or text message.
“Please don’t do it,” I say. “If you ever cared for me even for a second. Please don’t do this.” I never thought I was one for begging, but this livewire of terror zinging through my chest gives me no choice.
Nemo’s face softens. “I did care about you, kid.”
Hope is a dangerous thing. It starts my heart pumping again. Maybe this will be okay.
“But I care about me more,” he continues, and the breath leaves my lungs. “I’m sorry. This information is too valuable.” There’s a tinge of guilt squishing his brows together. “I’ll give you a five-minute head start.”
I don’t waste that time trying to convince him to do anything otherwise. Even if there’s a sliver of guilt in him, the gleam of greed in his gaze is too much to combat that.
Nemo walks out of my apartment, and instinctively I know it’s so I don’t hear the conversation he’s about to have.
“Head start my ass,” I mutter.
I run to the bedroom and unearth my bag, digging out my last portal charm. Luckily, I don’t need that five minutes.
Phone tampered with. I’ll come back when it’s safe. I text to Ben before pausing to add: I hope everyone is alright. Please take care of Griffin. I toss the device on my bed.
There’s a shriek of tires outside. I’ve run out of time. I break my second portal charm of the day with a destination in mind.
Anywhere is better than here.
38
KALOS
BEING LOST IS A DISQUIETING SENSATION. It’s not comfortable, but there’s no pain, no worry. There are only the primal urges. The joy of flight, of hunting prey, and of basking in the sun.
But even my dragon knows we’re missing something. Or rather, especially my dragon knows. He’s the one who mated our queen after all. We bred her while I was full of need, but he feels all the demands that I push down constantly.
The need for others. Family, community, a mate.
He feels the things I don’t want to. My worry for Katarina pales in comparison to his. My fear of loss is the same.
My dragon experiences the world in black and white. Joy and pain. And letting myself dwell in all the terrible possibilities that could happen to Katarina, my fears about the dragon fire prophecy and losing control, has caused so much confusion in our very being.
Our… Even in the state I’m in, I can’t bring myself to pull the pieces of myself back together again. The emotions of my dragon and my logical mind echo through each other.
But the soul witch is right.
We are not separate.
And I must go back. The throb of pain in my chest is hard to identify. I don’t want to identify it. I’ve spent years ignoring the sensations of my own emotions until they grew smaller and more distant. Until I could lock them away under the appearance of adapting to the modern world around me.
But I am not a modern creature, and the more determined I am to schism myself, the less I’m capable of giving my mate what she deserves.
Reconnection comes slowly and is searing in its pain. Stitch by stitch, I pull myself together. The wind against my wings, the fire brimming in my emotions. The job is patchwork without the soul witch to guide me, but it’s necessary. I focus on the yearning of my heart.
The pain I fight is the fear of losing Katarina, and it will be there no matter if I ignore my feelings for her or am successfully able to complete our mating bond.
I’d rather suffer every waking minute to hold her.
She is brightness, the prized jewel in my collection.
I have been a coward, pushing my nature down to the far reaches of my soul, hiding from myself.
No more. I am awake, and I must return.
I’m back through the portal and in the caverns without a thought. The scent of dragon fire and blackened stone snuffs out the scent of my mate. I can’t tell how long ago she was down here. Ben appears before me as I shift into my more human form. He tosses clothing at me without ceremony.
“How long?” My voice sounds raspy.
Ben’s expression is blank. “Three days.”
Worry brews in my chest at his neutral face. Other times we’ve done this same exact scene, but I would start with questioning him about the business and how it fared without me. Eventually I’d ask about him and Maggie. I assumed that if I kept them low priority, I could keep lying to myself about them being my family. As I assumed not having Moon in my life would separate me from extraneous feelings.
Not this time.
“Is Katarina alright?” I ask. My heart seizes when his expression falters, but I breathe through it.
“I don’t know. She’s no contact right now.”
He recounts the Leonid attack and a primal rage pumps in my veins. Katarina is in the wind, following some intuition from her fae blood. It was a wise choice.
If I had stayed here… it would have never happened, but I also wouldn’t feel as whole as I do now. I’m not fixed by any measure, but the discordant urges are gone. I’ve built a bridge between my competing selves and only time will tell what it can weather.