I’m pretty sure she’s being sarcastic, but if Matt picks up on that, he doesn’t show it. “I already am.”
The music’s too loud to keep shouting over, and Willow and Ryan eventually fall into their own conversation, her leg rubbing against his. We’ve only been here for half an hour, but I’m regretting coming. Matt’s quiet, looking around, and completely out of his element. I nudge him with my shoulder. “Dance?”
“Huh?”
“Do you want to?”
He looks terrified. “Oh—no, that’s…”
“You’re so bottled up. Fuck.”
Mattie clenches his jaw. “Yeah. I know.”
“Let loose. We’re here anyway, right?”
“I—I think I’m afraid I don’t know how to. Let go, I mean.”
“The only way to know how is to actually do it.”
I sit there, waiting for him to make his decision, until finally he gives me a determined nod that makes me want to laugh. I take his hand for good measure as Willow and Ryan watch us get up from our seats. I guide him through the crowds of people grinding and tossing hair to the electro-pop beat. Matt looks scared. He’s so afraid of what people think.
“What do you believe is going to happen if people start to judge you?” I ask him. “You think you’re going to be killed or something?”
“It feels that way sometimes,” he admits.
I laugh. “Come on.” I loved dancing when I came out to clubs like this. Not something a lot of people expect out of sullen Logan Gray, but there’s something about letting loose and just thinking fuck it, something about the beat of the music and all these bodies, the sweat and the touching. The energy feels like it’s a piece of clothing away from an orgy. The only problem is, usually I’d be dancing with someone like Briggs, pressing my ass against them, or moving back and forth with their leg in between mine, before they invite me to the back of the club for a good time. I don’t think Matt would appreciate that.
I put a hand on his shoulder and turn him around so his back is to me. I hold him by his waist and take a page from his playbook. “This okay?”
He nods. He looks like he needs my lead for the first time. “Yeah.”
I press myself against him, only a little. He holds on to my arms as he grinds into me to the beat. Yeah. Dancing like this is basically sex. I have to admit, I’ve imagined what it’d be like to fuck him. To be inside of him. Matt starts to get into it. I press a hand against his stomach, pulling him in closer, and he lets his head fall back onto my shoulder. His eyes are closed. I love watching him like this. Love seeing him start to let go.
The song changes. He opens his eyes and pulls away and—fuck. That look he gives me. I almost want to ask, just to see what he’d say. Ask if he wants to go find a stall with me, or outside into the alley.
“Back to our seats?” I ask him.
He nods and takes my hand this time as I lead him. When we get to Willow and Ryan, I realize they’d been watching us. Willow eyes me like she’s having a few memories of the times she came over to my place.
She leans over to me when we sit down. “Ryan and I would totally be up for a foursome, if you and Matt want to join.”
I might’ve, once. A small part of me wants to ask Matt. Maybe he’d want to also. No shame in sex for fun. There’s another part, though. Even bigger and harder to ignore. I can’t fucking stand Willow, and I don’t like her boyfriend much, either. I’d rather spend my time with Mattie, I guess.
“No, thanks.”
*
As I drive back to the hotel, I’m lost in my thoughts. My memories of Willow. She’d tricked me, during our fake relationship. I started to think she was a friend. I believed she wasn’t only interested in the spotlight and the attention. I don’t know. Maybe I’m falling into the same mistake with Mattie. Maybe not.
“Thanks for pushing me to dance,” Matt says. I glance over at him. “I don’t know. I kind of wanted to, but I was afraid, so it was funny that you asked me at that exact moment.”
“You really care that much about what people think, huh?”
“Yeah. I do.”
“Sounds like a shitty way to live.”
“It can be, sometimes. I always feel so self-conscious. I’ve gotten pretty good at pretending to be confident.”
“There’re some moments that shine through. I can tell when you stop giving a fuck.” He looks beautiful when it happens. Like a god. Giving in to his pleasure and power.
He grins. “This sounds crazy, but I—uh—well, I’ve always wanted to run through a field ass-naked. Like that’s the ultimate symbol of freedom for me.”
I don’t say anything. I understand, wanting to let go so completely and find a burst of freedom like that. He falls quiet for a while. Lost in thought too, maybe. It’s only when he glances up that he frowns.
“Logan, where’re you going?”
I glance at him. “A field.”
“What?”
“I’m finding you a field.”
“Logan, stop messing around.”
Griffith’s closed, but it’s easy enough to pull onto the side and walk up the road. We could jump the fence into the golf course. Matt’s mouth falls open comically. “Logan, come on. I’m not running through the park naked.”
I laugh. “Why not?”
“Because—shit, that’s crazy! I’ll get arrested!”
“Not if no one sees you.” I slow, pulling to the side by one of the entrances. I turn off the engine. “I’ll do it with you.”
Matt’s laughing. I don’t think he believes me. “No. No way in hell.”
I can’t help but grin, watching him. “You said it was your dream, right? Just trying to help it come true.”
He shakes his head, sitting back in the seat. I think he’s actually considering it for a second before he shakes his head again. “I think I might be starting to think of another dream,” he says.
We hold each other’s gazes for a second too long. It’s the kind of look I practice for movie screens. That stare where it seems like we’re wondering, for just that moment, if we really might be starting to fall in love. But it’s more likely we’re both amazed that we don’t hate each other as much as we thought.
I start up the engine again. “All right. Your loss.”
Mattie
“Quiet on set, please! Action!”
Mrs. Evans clutches my hands painfully tight. “Please, Riley. Whatever you do—don’t break my son’s heart. I don’t think he can take much more of a world where hearts are always broken.”
“Cut!”
“Take thirteen. Action!”
Lauren flips her hair as she glares. “Riley isn’t good enough for you, Quinn. He doesn’t love you. Not like I did.”
“Cut!”
“Ready? Action!”
Jake Powers smokes a cigarette as he looks over the manuscript. Paul stares over his shoulder. “You two managed to come up with this, huh?”
Quinn glances at me hesitantly. He takes my hand, and I turn back to Mr. Powers. “Yes. We worked all night on it.”