It’s Jacob, sitting at a table in the back corner of the café, to the left of the stage where a woman with pink hair is playing a song I’ve never heard before. Jacob lifts a hand in greeting, and it would be rude not to at least say hello.
I make my way over, and he stands when I arrive at the table. If he were anyone else, I’d assume they were moving in to hug me, but I know that’s not the case with Jacob. He must generally stand for women, sort of as if we’re in a Victorian-era period drama. I find myself charmed by the politeness of it all, and I wish I’d ordered a pot of Earl Grey instead of this cappuccino.
After we say hello, a beat passes, and he shifts his weight from one foot to the other. Is he going to ask me to sit? Does he not want me to sit? Are we going to stand here the whole time?
Finally, he seems to register the awkwardness, and he waves at the chair opposite of him. “Sorry, I didn’t know if you wanted to stay, or—” He blows out a heavy breath. “Would you like to sit with me?”
I totally cannot read what he wants me to do here, but since I don’t really feel like going home, I pull out a chair and drop into it.
“You’re out late,” I remark.
“Yeah, another deadline, so… caffeine.” He lifts his coffee like he’s toasting.
“The Joshua James film?”
“No, I finished that. This one is a little less glamorous. It’s the soundtrack for a video game.”
I nod. “It must be wild to hear your music all over the place. Just drifting in at the movies, or when Owen’s playing a video game, or when you step on an elevator…”
“Oh no. Hold on right there.” He lifts a hand to stop me. “I do not compose elevator music.”
“You don’t? But I thought sometimes you wrote that sort of slow, electronic stuff. Like what they play on elevators.”
I’ve pained him here. I can tell by the way he looks at me as if half of him wants to laugh and the other half wants to cry. “Elevator music is bland instrumental arrangements of popular music meant to be listened to passively while you’re shopping for paper towels.”
I consider the music piped in at the grocery store. I’ve never really paid attention to it before, but now I kind of see what he means. “You mean, like, an electronic piano rendition of ‘Gangsta’s Paradise’？”
He’s definitely trying not to laugh now. “Just like that, yes.”
“And that’s not what you do.”
“No.”
He’s an artist, and I realize too late that I’ve probably insulted him. I might feel insulted in a similar situation. “Is this conversation sort of the equivalent of someone asking a pastry chef how she feels about Hostess cupcakes?”
“It is one hundred percent like that. Yes.” He’s smiling, so I know I haven’t really offended him.
Still, I genuinely want to understand. “So, you compose your own original music. But you just do it with a computer program instead of with a piano.”
“I compose with both. I do a lot of mixing and use software for effects, but I also play a bunch of different instruments.”
Onstage, the pink-haired singer starts playing an acoustic version of “Free Fallin’” and a young, bearded guy joins her on piano.
“Do you ever think about getting up there?” I ask.
“Uhhh…” He fiddles with the spoon on the saucer next to his cup. “The singer-songwriter thing really isn’t my vibe.”
“But could you do that if you wanted to?” I can’t listen to a piano without thinking of the gorgeous song he played in his apartment. I’d love to hear it again, but technically, I’m not supposed to know it exists. With this time loop I’m in, maybe he hasn’t even written it yet. Maybe it doesn’t exist.
Jacob gazes at the singer. “Are you asking if I could get onstage, play the piano, and sing a Tom Petty song?” He nods. “Yes.” Then, after a pause, “Are you asking if it’s ever going to happen?” He looks down at his hands and shakes his head. “Not a chance.”
And suddenly, it hits me. Jacob is shy. He’s not uptight and judgmental like I’ve been assuming about him in my head for so long. He’s just… painfully shy. Something about that realization has my heart doing all kinds of little flips in my chest.
“Jacob Gray,” I tease. “Are you telling me that after all these years of playing music, you have stage fright?”
Two pink spots appear on his cheeks. “Let’s just say I’m more of a composer than a performer.”
I tend to be a talker, and it’s in my nature to start firing questions at him. But something tells me that with Jacob, you’ve got to keep quiet and let him take his time if you want to get to the real heart of things. Silence stretches across the table while he traces the wood grain with a finger. Finally, he looks up at me. “Even though I know thousands of people watch the films or play video games with my music in it, at that point it’s just a piece of someone else’s project. But when I’m composing and playing it, it’s mine, it’s personal. I can’t imagine getting up there with just an instrument, and being that…”
“Vulnerable?”
He looks up, right into my eyes. “Yeah. I guess… vulnerable.”
“So, you never play for anyone? Ever?” I have a huskiness in my voice that wasn’t there before.
“Well, my family. And obviously Owen, but he’s basically family.”
I don’t know what I’m asking, exactly. Am I waiting to hear that I’m the only woman who’s ever heard him play a sad, melancholy song on the piano? It’s completely irrational that I’d want that. But the more I spend time talking with Jacob like this, the more bizarre it becomes that we’ve had such an intimate moment, and he’s completely unaware. I know the weight of his body, the sound of that little satisfied growl in the back of his throat, the taste of his mouth pressed against mine. But none of it happened in his world. For twenty-something years, we were just acquaintances who never had much to say to each other. All of that changed for me, but in his mind, that’s all we are.
The last chord of the pink-haired girl’s song reverberates across the stage and out into the audience. When she puts down her guitar for a break, I push my chair back. “Well, I should go.”
Jacob channels Mr. Darcy and politely stands up when I do. “Thanks for hanging out.” He does that awkward shuffle again, a movement sort of like when you’re about to hug someone before they leave. Without thinking, I reach out my arm to wrap it around his neck. His eyes go wide, and his back stiffens. Oh God, this is so awkward. He didn’t mean to end this conversation in a hug, did he?
But then his hand slides around me, settling on the small of my back, and the other arm pulls me even closer. I feel his razor stubble scrape my cheek and hear his sharp intake of breath as he presses me against the hard muscles of his chest. I stay like that for a beat, and then one more, and he doesn’t seem to be in a hurry to let me go, either.
Finally, we both pull away, and I peek up at him. His cheeks are flushed and eyes bright behind his glasses.