“It’s okay,” I say. “It’s dead. Are you hurt?”
She cradles her left arm as she wiggles out from under my bed. “Just bruised, Captain. Nothing bad.”
“You’re quick with that knife.”
“Because someone’s been making me practice every day.” She rubs at her sore arm. “Captain?”
“Yes?”
“Is it wrong that I don’t feel scared?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, I ought to be terrified that a giant monster tried to eat me. That it almost pulled me off the ship. But I’m not.”
“What do you feel?”
“Alive. Sorinda, my heart is racing, and my hands are shaking, and I can’t remember the last time I felt this good.” She adds quickly, “I’m sorry I snuck aboard your ship and didn’t tell Papa. I feel bad, but I can’t regret the decision when I finally feel useful and like I’m right where I’m supposed to be.”
She’s a proper thrill seeker. Just like Alosa. Just like me when I’m about to kill.
I say, “It’s good to be scared from time to time, even if you aren’t right now. Terror is what keeps us alive. It stops us from being reckless.”
“But you’re not scared of anything. I want to be like you.”
“I was scared when I saw that tentacle hauling you away. I was terrified.”
She thinks about that for a moment. “I suppose I get scared for other people, too.”
“That’s what makes you a good crew member. Excellent job today. I’m proud of you for listening to me when I told you to go into my quarters.”
“Thanks, Captain, but …”
“What?”
“I can’t help but notice that the creature didn’t attack me until I followed your orders, so sometimes isn’t it a good thing that I disobey?”
I have to turn my laughter into an exasperated sigh. “Adults have to make tough decisions. Sometimes they’re wrong decisions, but we still have far more life experience than you, so you should listen.”
“All right.” She looks sadly down at the ground.
“Go make yourself useful. There’s lots of cleaning to be done.”
“Aye-aye.”
She leaves, and I write up a hasty report to Alosa before attaching it to the leg of a yano bird. As I move to exit the room, I find Kearan standing on the other side of my door.
“Kearan—” I start, prepared to tell him how I am in no mood for his antics today, but one look at his face has me slamming my mouth closed.
His eyes are red and swollen. He holds his body too still.
He looks … distraught. No, more than that. He looks broken.
What happened to the focus and ruthlessness he showed in battle just moments before?
“Captain, I need a moment alone, and I wondered if perhaps …”
I step aside to let him into the room, then exit and close the door, thoroughly thrown off-balance by his change in demeanor.
Did I miss something? Or did he just find out who we lost during the battle? I know he said he liked Rorun and Lerick, which is plenty enough for grief. But he looked thoroughly wrecked.
I should have asked what was wrong. Now I have to stew about it as I get to work. As I deal with what I’m feeling. He looks how I feel. Until recently, I could believe that somehow Cyara got off the ship and was alive and well somewhere. It was an unlikely scenario but possible. Now the reality is before me.
Four dead on my watch. Four I failed to protect.
And Roslyn was all too close to joining them.
I was the wrong person for this job. This proves it. Alosa will surely call us back now, surely reprimand me for this. But I’m not allowed to lose myself to panic and distress. I have to keep it together for the crew. I need to stay busy.
I send the bird off and get to work on the ship, cleaning tentacles from the deck. Dimella works beside me silently, using a broom to scrape blood and guts overboard. We’ve buckets of salt water to use to aid with cleaning. Meanwhile, Radita has finished making repairs below, and she now instructs the crew on fixing the upper.
But then I see her teeth chattering. She’s still in her sodden boots.
“Radita, you and those who repaired below are to warm up before you do anything else. Get fires going. I’ll not lose anyone to frostbite.”
“Aye—aye—” She descends through the trapdoor with her bailers.
Stars, I wasn’t thinking. How can I expect her to do anything after being exposed to that icy water? Why didn’t she say anything?
I massage my temples.
Four dead.
Almost everyone else injured or hurting.
How did I let this happen?
There had to be something I could have done better.
“Do we know what it is?” Enwen asks, interrupting my thoughts. He’s sorting through pieces of broken ship for anything that can be salvaged.
“Who cares what it’s called?” Dimella asks. “You just thank the stars we don’t have them back home.”
“Them? You think there could be more out there?”
“No,” she says quickly. “Something that big in these waters? Its hunting ground would need to be massive. If there’re more of them, they’re far away, where they can find other food.”
“I’m going to have nightmares for weeks,” Enwen says. “I’m staring right at the creature, and I still can’t believe it existed.”
“I can’t wrap my mind around how smart it was,” Dimella offers. “Attacking only at night. Going for one sailor at a time when no one was looking.”
“Not as smart as the captain, though,” Philoria says from where she’s putting a cannon back to rights. “We killed it good and proper. Too bad it’s too large to bring a trophy home. No one will ever believe what we saw.”
“The queen will believe us,” Dimella says.
“Yeah, but everyone else will think we embellished its size.”
“It doesn’t matter,” I say. “Four people are dead. That’s what matters. You honored them by killing what killed them.”
Philoria looks guiltily at the cannon as she keeps cleaning. “Sorry, Captain.”
“You did well today.”
“As did you,” Dimella says to me. “I thought for sure the anchor would be the death of us, but it bought us time. Quick thinking, Captain.”
I can’t say anything in response. Four people are dead. I shouldn’t be praised for anything.
AFTER HOURS SPENT HELPING with cleanup, I make my rounds. I check in with each individual aboard the ship, asking how they fare and if there’s anything they need. Everyone puts on a tough face for me, pretending as though they are unaffected. I can’t really blame them since I’m doing the same thing.
For many of them, this is their first true mission under the pirate queen. They don’t want to let her down. Everyone is ready to give their all.
I praise them for their bravery and skill. I try to say the things I think Alosa would say. I can only hope I’m not making anything worse. I know that people skills are not one of my strengths.
For the millionth time, I wonder why Alosa thought I could do this.
When the ship is in a less hazardous state, we clean ourselves up, heating water at the kitchen stove and wiping ourselves down as best we can. Jadine said she could have her kitchen girls pour me a bath in my quarters, but I opted out. Those girls have done enough work for the day. Everyone has. I wipe myself down with soapy rags like everyone else.