He looks at me with the most peculiar expression. Disbelief?
Confusion, perhaps?
“That sounded far too self-reflective to be advice you just thought of,” he says.
“I did just think of it,” I lie.
“Do you hate yourself?”
“I didn’t say that. You’re reading too much into—”
But I can tell it’s too late. Kearan has deduced far too much about me. When I was trying to focus on him, no less.
“You think your life isn’t worth living, so you live for others?” he asks. “Is that what drives you? All this time I’ve been trying to figure you out, and—”
“Kearan, we were talking about you. Don’t change the subject.”
“Is that why you serve Alosa? Because you’d rather let someone else make choices for you? You think you’re not capable of directing your own life?”
I round on him. “This from the man who let drink control him for three years?”
“And you turned to killing. What was so bad that you became an assassin? What did Alosa save you from?”
Everything is cold and dark. I hear splashing and gasping, a shriek that cuts off into gurgling. The screaming of my sisters.
A body floating in bathwater. My mother’s sightless eyes staring at the ceiling.
I blink the thoughts away, refocusing on the man sitting in my room. How did we even get here?
“Alosa saved me from nothing. I saved myself. And then I got my revenge for what I couldn’t save. Alosa just gave me a purpose again.”
“Again? What was your purpose before?”
“It’s none—”
“Of my business. I get it. I’ll just pour out my deepest hurts and insecurities to you, but you stay bottled up. I hear that’s super healthy.”
He stomps out the door without looking back.
WE HONOR THE FALLEN by lighting lanterns the next night. Though we’ve been doing this for days to prevent the beastie from sneaking off with anyone, this time it’s different. The lanterns are for the dead, not the living. Souls lost at sea are able to follow the lantern light to the water’s surface. From there they can see the stars and be guided home. Each star is someone who has passed on, living a bright new life in the heavens.
When I was little, I would search the sky for hours, trying to guess which bright dots of light belonged to my family. So many nights I longed to join them, and many times I thought of speeding the process along.
Then I met Alosa. She reminded me that the stars have a plan for each of us. I shouldn’t cut my time short. My family will still be waiting for me no matter how much time I spend on the seas. There is still much good I can do before I reunite with them.
Now there are four new stars up in the sky. I can’t distinguish them, for the stars in the heavens are as numerous as the sands on the beach.
But I can’t help but wonder if there’s anything I could have done to prevent them from joining the night sky so soon.
IT TAKES A FEW days to put the ship to rights, but we thankfully had everything we needed on board to fix things. Radita is truly the best at what she does. She has the ship perfectly functional once more. Vengeance certainly shows signs of wear, but if anything, it makes her look more hardened. Like she’s seen tough waters and survived. I like her better for it.
We set sail again, our ship following the Wanderer’s path, though we’ve long since passed the point where Alosa last heard from them. Since the water beastie didn’t attack the ship until we attacked it, I have every reason to believe they kept on sailing. Wanderer had a far larger crew. I don’t think a few missing sailors would have deterred the land king’s men.
When Alosa’s response to my report arrives, I feel relieved as I open the scroll. I want her advice. I don’t want to be in control for a moment. I just need to know what she would have me do next.
It was bigger than the ship, you say? And you still managed to take it out? I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. There’s no one better at killing than you. I know you’re downplaying your role in defeating the creature. Good work, and I’m proud. I am also saddened by the losses. We will honor them tonight after dinner. I know you’ll have already done so on the ship.
And don’t worry. I won’t say a word to Wallov about what happened during the attack. He need never know Roslyn almost went over. We had enough of a scare during that nasty storm. You remember? The one where Riden got himself tossed overboard. He can be such an idiot at times.
The next call is yours to make. I respect your choice as captain and trust you to make the right decision for your crew. You know the situation better than I, so proceed as you see fit. Stay the course and find those missing girls or turn around and come back.
Just know that I have every confidence in you. The land king’s ship was captained by one of the land king’s men. He doesn’t have you or this crew I’ve handpicked. You can all do incredible things. Better yet, no one was ordered to go on this voyage. You’re all there by choice. If anyone can pull this off, it’s you and this crew.
But again, the choice is yours. Remember, as captain, you can change your mind at any time. You can stay course, and then if things get worse, turn around.
I trust you.
—Alosa
Alosa’s faith in me is emboldening, but I wish she would order me to do as she sees fit. Instead, she’s leaving the choice up to me. What if I make the wrong one? Alosa didn’t lie when she said I would make mistakes. I’ve made at least four, and they have names: Cyara, Unesta, Rorun, Lerick. But Alosa’s lost sailors, too, and she’s kept going.
I know I have to do the same.
We can save more than we’ve lost, but even if we lost half the crew, we still need to fight for those who need our help. It’s what we do. We give our lives for our fellow crewmembers. It’s what being a pirate under Queen Alosa means.
I hate this responsibility, but I also can’t leave those girls to whatever fate befell them.
We keep going.
Chapter 10
WE SWITCH BACK TO a daytime schedule, with most of the crew alert when the sun is out.
Not that the sun makes much of a difference these days. The air is so cold I can see my breath in front of me. I keep the hood of my warm jacket over my ears and regularly have to cover my nose with my hands. Any burnable debris from the fight was stored belowdecks to dry out. We’ve plenty to burn to keep everyone warm below. But taking shifts on the deck is hard.
The floating ice gets bigger and bigger, until we have icebergs bigger than the ship. They slow us down considerably, as we have to alter course to avoid hitting anything.
“I didn’t know it could get this cold,” Kearan says with his hands firmly on the helm. He has thick gloves encasing his fingers. I can’t imagine how cold the wood must be to the touch. I’m surprised the ocean isn’t frozen solid yet.
“Talking is hard,” Enwen says in response. “Whoever thought talking would be hard? It’s as if I don’t want to risk that little breath of heat leaving my body.”
“And yet you’re still speaking.”
“I do it for you, Kearan.”
“Lucky me. How do you feel, Captain?” Kearan asks.