We stayed there until the ship was so far on the horizon it was barely more than a speck. Then Magdalena pulled me into a tight hug, rubbing her hand in soothing circles on my back.
“He’ll be alright,” she soothed. “He’s a brave boy.”
“He’ll be better than alright,” I said, taking her offered handkerchief and daubing my eyes. “He’ll be truly great.”
I walked her arm in arm to her carriage, moving at a brisk clip. She had sent her belongings ahead of her to Italy, and had lingered in the city for a few more days to see Alexi off, and to save our last few hours together. We had spent much of that time either in bed or exploring Antwerp together, traipsing down alleyways and slipping in and out of bars and watching the blush of dawn paint the sky. It had been almost a month since we escaped the house in the country, and I was finally able to walk down the street without my stomach tightening at the thought of how angry you would be at me for breaking curfew. Slowly, the noose of your love was loosening around my neck.
I clutched Magdalena’s hands when we came to her carriage, my own hands trembling. I had been with all of you for so long that the thought of walking through the world on my own was as terrifying as it was exhilarating.
“You must take care of yourself,” I said. “If anything were to happen to you, I would die.”
“Sweet Constanta. Come here.”
She pulled me into the forgiving dark of her carriage, took my face between her hands, and kissed me. It was a long, deep kiss, gentle and slow, and when we pulled away both our faces were wet with tears.
Magdalena daubed at her eyes with her handkerchief, then wiped my cheeks clean.
“There,” she pronounced. “As pretty and brave as any storybook princess. I will miss you so desperately, my love. Where will you go?”
“I haven’t decided yet,” I murmured. “But I want to travel. I want to see my own Romania in the springtime again. I want to meet absolutely everyone and make a score of friends and spend every night out in the world, surrounded by people. And I think, someday, I would like to fall in love again.”
“I want that for you. So fiercely. Be well until we meet again. It will be sooner than either of us think. I know it.”
I stepped outside the carriage and stood there with my hand on the door for a long moment, marveling at her beauty one last time. She gave me one of her wry, clever smiles, and blew me a kiss. I could almost feel it burning against my cheek as I stepped away and let the carriage roll on past.
I watched until the carriage had been swept away by traffic, giving one last little wave as it rounded the corner and took my Magdalena off into a new life. Then I took a step into the crowd and let the city swallow me whole.
And so, my love, we have come to the end of our lives together. Your bones are moldering in a charred grave somewhere in the French countryside and I am moving through the world, truly free for the first time in my long life. My nights are full of long walks and the scent of ocean breezes and the sound of people singing. Sometimes, I hear your voice in my dreams and I wake with a start, but I’m getting better at soothing myself back to sleep these days. Perhaps in time I will stop asking God for His forgiveness. Perhaps I will be able to uncurl the defenses around my heart and let someone see me the way you saw me: vulnerable and naked and totally trusting.
I have one final promise to make to you, one I hope I will never break. I promise to live, richly and shamelessly and with my arms wide open to the world. If there was any part left of you at the end that wished for our great happiness, that truly wanted what was best for us, I think it would be pleased to hear me say it. I do not know if I have justified my choice to you, but I think I have justified it to myself, and that has brought me peace enough.
So I will put down my pen. I will tuck these pages away in a drawer and tuck the memories of you away in my mind, and I will go out into the world and live. I will build an undying family of my own, and there will be no raised voices or locked doors between us. Your memory will fade to shadow and I shall never speak your name again, not even when I tell my lovers the story of how we two met. There will only be sweetness and kindheartedness, and a hundred years of bliss.
Acknowledgements
This book was passed through so many talented, loving hands on its way to completion, and I am immensely grateful to everyone who lent me their time, encouragement, and expertise in the writing process. Thank you to all my wonderful critique partners and beta readers who helped make this book into what it is today. Thank you to my fantastic agent Tara for encouraging me every step of the way, and my great love Kit for supporting me and being my sounding board. Finally, thank you to my editor, Celine, who helped me build this project from the ground up and bring it to life.