“Poppy, Daisy and I are going to the hot tub. I thought you should join.”
“I don’t feel well—”
“I know, but maybe being surrounded by other people who love you will help.”
I’m not talking about my broken heart. My hands tremble even as I hold the cloth, and I don’t know how much more I can take without having sex. I need to find the server, but Lo’s expression stops me from making a move. I don’t want to betray him, and if there’s something there—just a chance that it exists—I don’t want to ruin it. Not for anything. But I worry that I may.
I don’t have the strength to argue with Rose. So I begin to dress in the bathing suit, dropping my towel.
“Is the fight serious?” she asks, sitting on the bed with crossed legs.
I shoot her a look. “Don’t act so happy about it.”
“What? I’m not enjoying your sadness, but I’m not going to pretend to be upset if you two break up.”
“Why do you hate him so much?” I tie straps around my neck.
“I don’t hate him,” she refutes. “He annoys me, but I don’t hate him. Maybe dislike.” She runs her fingers over the nautical bedspread. “I don’t think he’s good for you. Is it so bad that I think you can do better?”
“No,” I whisper, fully dressed now. “But Lo and I…” I try to find the words. “We may not be good for each other, but sometimes I feel like he’s the only guy who could ever love me.” And that’s the truth. Because who would love this? A girl who sleeps around. A whore. A slut. Trash to be disposed. That’s what everyone sees.
“You think too lowly of yourself,” Rose says, standing. “If you don’t love yourself, Lily, how can anyone love you back?” She wraps an arm around my shoulder. “And you don’t need a guy to fulfill you. I wish you would remember that.”
And I wish that were true.
*
The stars twinkle overhead as all of my sisters soak in the warm, bubbling hot tub at the bow of the yacht. For this quiet hour, it seems like we’re the only ones who exist.
Thirty minutes in and I already know this is a bad idea. The jet behind my backside does nothing but lead my fantasies to dark, sensual places. And my mind has drifted so frequently that I’m surprised I haven’t fallen asleep and been afflicted with a hot sex dream.
All that keeps me present are my sisters’ numerous games like “Never Have I Ever”—in which I learned that Rose and Daisy are still virgins. Good for them. Thankfully Rose steers the conversation away from Lo and relationships. Mostly, I listen to Daisy talk about her week in Paris and the cute models, which also does not help my cause.
Then, I hear the clap of shoes across the wooden boards. I glance over my shoulder, and I try not to audibly sigh or moan or do anything at the sight of the attractive server. He sets down four towels for us and makes eye contact with me, clearly a signal, before he departs.
So this is it. I want to say no, but I’m afraid of what will happen if I don’t have sex. And Lo hasn’t offered. So…
Here I go. I fake yawn. “I’m going to head to bed, girls,” I tell them, climbing out.
Rose watches me. “You’ll be okay?”
I nod. “Yeah. I need to talk to Lo anyway.”
“If you need backup, I’m happy to lend my nails,” she says with a smile.
I share it easily. “I’ll be sure to call you if I need them.”
That’s all it takes. I slip inside the yacht where the server lingers by the bar, talking softly to the older bartender. He gives me a onceover and then I head downstairs, looking back to make sure he follows me.
He does.
Each step down towards the cabin rooms, I sense my looming fate. Am I going to ruin our fake relationship? Lo’s paranoia ekes into my brain. What if I ruin our friendship over this? Or any possibility of a future, of something more together? I shake it off. This is like any other day. Lo will be happy that I feel better, and he’ll be glad that I did it unseen. Nothing will change. Nothing will change, I repeat.
And then I freeze at the bottom. Lo sits outside our room, empty-handed. His head hangs low, and when he sees me, he jumps to his feet. I fossilize and feel the server’s body-heat right behind me.
Lo doesn’t even look at him. He keeps his hard gaze right on me. “I need to talk to you.”
Talk. I don’t need talking. I need something else. “I’m busy.” Just say it! Tell Lo you want him and end this.