This was a familiar story but still horribly sad.
‘Weekends became a total shitshow, Friday night, Saturday night, you’d never know what was going to happen. Fights. Like, actual fists, with strangers. Or she’d disappear and not come back until the next day. Then she, Tegan and some of the other girls started this brunch thing on Sunday. Harlie would come home at like, one a.m., in absolute tatters.’ He flinched at the memory.
‘She said she was depressed so we went to her doctor and she got tablets. I really wanted to believe her reasons for drinking because it meant there was a solution. But nothing worked and everything was going to hell. We were behind on our credit cards and we hate owing money – well, she used to hate it … She’d stopped going to the gym. She’d lost all interest in buying the Drill.’
Even though I knew how this story ended, listening to the inexorable downward spiral had my stomach clenched in knots.
‘When did you realize she was an alcoholic?’
‘Took a long time. Like, she’s beautiful and young, always looked after herself, her hair and clothes. Nothing like old men on benches in the park. And I didn’t want it to be true, I admit that. A few times she quit weekday drinking, maybe for three or four days, she said it proved that she wasn’t an alcoholic because alcoholics drink every day.’ With a shrug of the gigantic shoulders. ‘I guess that’s not true.’
‘It’s not,’ I said. ‘So you loved Harlie?’
‘I loved her so much. Like, I mean it, no one else ever came close.’ He paused and took a breath. ‘She loved me too. For a while we were happy, really happy.’
There was a lump in my throat. Addiction destroyed so much that was good and pure.
‘Why did you leave her?’
He folded in on himself; it was clear he was ashamed of this. ‘Everyone was telling me I was making it easier for her to keep drinking, because I did stuff like ring her work when she was “sick”。 They said if I left it might shock her into getting help. But it was hard. She was my best friend.’ His jaw clenched. ‘I kept hoping … I kept giving it one more week, hoping things would go back to the way they’d been. Everything was mixed up and fucked up. This amazing girl, beautiful and going places, and now she was a tragic mess. Even though the person I loved wasn’t there any more I felt so guilty for thinking about leaving. I worried about her all the time, anyway, I knew it would be worse if I went – and it was. Leaving her was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do and I watched my dad dying of Parkinson’s.’ He seemed utterly tormented. ‘But I wasn’t helping her.’ He had started to cry. ‘I left her because by staying I was making everything worse.’
Everyone was focused on Caleb – everyone except me. I was watching Harlie and holding my breath. Her head was bowed, then I spotted movement in her shoulders, a rhythmic shaking. But she could just as easily have been laughing.
But no! Wait! She was rubbing her eyes. Then she straightened up, searching for the tissues and I got a proper look. She was crying. She was crying!
Thank you, God!
66
After work, I spent three hours sitting in a hairdresser’s chair, getting a major job done on my colour. I’d put it off for as long as I could but the forthcoming trip to Barcelona had made it suddenly seem vital.
At some stage, Claire rang. It took about ten minutes to fight my way through the rustly forest of tinfoil to get the phone to my ear. ‘Sorry about that,’ I eventually said. ‘I’m at the hairdresser.’
‘Can you talk?’ she asked.
‘Like I said, I’m at the hairdresser.’
‘So. It’s all planned. The’ – she hissed the word – ‘swinging. Saturday night. We’ve booked a hotel. This will be an Easter to remember!’
‘Fair play.’
‘Do you mean that?’
‘No.’
‘Am I doing the right thing?’
‘No.’
‘How do you know?’
Actually, I didn’t. I wasn’t Claire. ‘Look. If it’s what you want, then enjoy yourself.’
‘Do you think I will?’
‘You might.’
‘Do you really think it?’
‘No.’
When, finally, I was released from the tinfoil, I came home to an empty house – Kate was doing a night shift. I wished she was here. I couldn’t stop thinking about Luke and I wanted distraction.
I hated him. Absolutely hated him.