Was he upset that I’d blocked his calls? I wondered. I fucking hoped so. In fact, I hoped it so much that I wanted to know. So I unblocked his number.
Within minutes, his name lit up my phone. I snatched it from the table and snapped, ‘What?’
‘Are you at home?’ he asked. ‘Can I swing by?’
‘Yes,’ I said. ‘And absolutely not.’
‘Please, Rachel. I’m not asking to come in, I don’t deserve to, but please may I see you.’
‘It’s late.’ It wasn’t that late, only nine thirty, but I was so angry.
‘It’ll just take a moment,’ he said. ‘And I’m five minutes from you.’
‘… Okay.’
‘Thanks for unblocking my number.’
I took a moment. ‘… Horrible, isn’t it? When you’re desperate to talk to someone and –’
‘I’ll be with you shortly.’
I locked Crunchie in the kitchen – she was too cute and this conversation would be strictly business. Then I put on my coat – it was dark and far from warm out there.
Moments later, the bell rang. Luke was leaning against the door jamb. In the lamplight, he looked shattered.
‘I didn’t sleep with Mia,’ he said.
‘Yes, you di–’
‘– and you know I didn’t. It was a story you told yourself to make me your enemy. So you didn’t have to listen to me begging you to stop the tablets. But I’m really sorry I swore at you last night. That was …’ He shook his head. ‘Out of line. I’m deeply sorry.’
‘You behaved like you were sleeping with Mia – so … smirky and –’
‘– yeah. I was an arse that one night. Angry and mean, a bit drunk. I felt so hurt, I wanted to hurt you back. I’m sorry, Rachel.’
‘But I saw you with her.’
‘In Coffee Express, in full view of, like, fifty other people, most of them from NA. They knew me, they knew you. Mia had managed to kick sleepers, so I was asking her advice about how to help you. That’s all.’ He exhaled, long and weary. ‘You know this.’
‘So why were you holding hands?’
‘We weren’t. She was touching my arm. Out of pity.’
‘She fancied you. You encouraged her.’
His face twisted in exasperation. ‘She didn’t fancy me. I didn’t encourage her. I am not that man. I never was.’
Frustration flared. ‘How could she not have fancied you?’
‘Why would she? And even if she had – which she didn’t – I loved you.’
‘But we were barely speaking to each –’
‘I still wouldn’t have fucked another woman.’ He bit out the words. ‘I was not that man. I played it straight. I didn’t have the imagination to be a player. Remember, you told me that?’
A memory flash-flickered, of an argument we’d had. He’d found more tablets and was threatening to leave. I was defensive, then scornful …
Perhaps he hadn’t slept with Mia? Hard to know for sure, because the man I’d once thought I knew had vanished – metaphorically and literally. But he’d always been surprisingly traditional – quite judgy about cheaters.
‘At the time even my wife didn’t fancy me.’
Who –？ Oh me. Didn’t I?
‘You don’t remember. Of course not. But there was a night.’ He shrugged.
Wait, no, I did remember.
‘I hoped we might … reconnect,’ Luke said. ‘You weren’t interested.’
Another of those freeze-frame memories flared, of candlelight and scented oil, of – dear God – Luke taking my face in his hands, the hard heat of him pressing against me through his jeans.
‘I remember.’ I was embarrassed. ‘But I was afraid.’
‘Of me?’
‘Of getting pregnant again. I wasn’t safe to have a baby, I’d never been safe. I was too … toxic. Fucked up. Whatever the word is. You thought so too.’
‘What? I would never … Rachel, we were unlucky, that’s all.’
Hardly daring to breathe, I watched him closely. ‘You did think it.’
‘That’s insane.’ He seemed adamant. ‘I didn’t. I wouldn’t. You said it a few times but I thought you were just trying to guilt me.’
‘Into what?’
‘Feeling sorry for you. So you could take your tablets without any hassle. I didn’t think you actually believed it.’ He wheeled away and muttered, ‘God, this is the worst.’