Even though we were alone in the house he pulled on his jeans. He’d always been an odd mix of raunchy and modest.
While he was gone, I had to tell myself over and over again, This is real. This is real. This is real. Luke was genuinely here and it was as if those years apart had never happened. But for a few strange seconds, I decided to terrify myself with thoughts that I’d imagined everything, that I was all alone – and oh! He was back, carrying a green bottle. Bare-chested, his hair a disordered tangle, he stood at the foot of the bed, watching me thoughtfully as, idly, he rolled the bottle back and forth across his torso.
‘What?’ I asked.
‘Never not gorgeous, are you?’ Then, ‘Just … so I’ll remember.’
He put the bottle down. His eyes on mine, he unzipped his jeans – underneath he was naked and already erect – and slid them off. In one fluid movement, he was halfway up the bed, climbing towards me with intent.
‘Again?’ I asked.
‘Oh God, yeah. Again, Rachel.’
We fell asleep once more and I woke at just gone eight. He’d have to leave soon.
He opened his eyes. ‘It really is you,’ he said faintly. ‘This feels like a dream.’
‘It’s real.’ I ran my hand across his stomach. ‘Still flat. How? Don’t tell me you’ve started going to the gym?’
‘We –’ His voice stumbled. ‘I go horse-riding.’
I’d made him remember Kallie.
‘I know,’ I said immediately. ‘We shouldn’t have done this.’
‘… Yeah –’
‘But it wasn’t really sex,’ I said. ‘It was part of our healing.’
In silence, he looked at me and suddenly my shame was overwhelming.
‘Kallie won’t agree,’ I said, feeling even worse. ‘I can only imagine if Quin told me he’d slept with Shiv – that’s his ex-wife – but everything was fine because it was grief, not, like, lust. Luke, I’m so sorry. I hope she’ll forgive you.’
‘Wait now, no one put a gun to my head. I wanted this. But what about Quin?’
‘He’s … He gets that humans are complicated.’ I struggled to find the right words. ‘He’ll be hurt. And angry. But he might understand.’
‘Rachel, that sounds … delusional.’
Now he’d said it, I realized he was right. It was like snapping out of a trance.
‘Oh my God.’ As the extent of the possible damage hit home, I stuttered, ‘I’m sorry. We shouldn’t have, I shouldn’t have – at the time, it made sense but … we have lives. It took us a long time to rebuild them –’
‘Those lives are still there,’ he said. ‘It’s okay. This was a one-off. It won’t happen again.’
‘But I want us to be friends.’ I was adamant. ‘Can we try to forget about … this?’
‘Totally.’
‘You’ll take care of Kallie?’ I was remembering my devastation when I thought he’d cheated with Mia. ‘I’m so sorry for causing her pain.’
‘Of course I will, Rachel. But you mustn’t –’
‘Luke?’ I insisted. ‘You promise?’
He took a moment. ‘I promise. So now will you show me Yara’s tree?’
Out in the garden the air was fragrant with early-morning dewy grass and damp earth. Luke, barefoot, wearing a woolly jumper Devin had left behind, looked around, taking in all my flowers. ‘You’ve done this? It’s incredible. Wait! You have a shed?’
‘You don’t know the half of it. I obsess over spades. And compost. This way. Over here.’ Yara’s cherry blossom was only about six feet high and the tiny, tucked-up buds were a long way from flowering. ‘It doesn’t look much today,’ I said. ‘But by mid-May it’ll be’ – I waved my arms for emphasis – ‘this riot of pink petals, they look like confetti, it’s so pretty, it’s so her.’
‘I’ll have to come back,’ he joked.
Then he went silent and I let him have his moment. There was a stillness to his focus and a slight twitch to his lips – was he praying? Because I’d noticed, amongst the other hardware around his neck, a tiny silver cross on a thin silver chain.
He’d always had tendencies that way – it looked like they’d got stronger?
He noticed my scrutiny and, slightly embarrassed, he laughed. ‘Whatever gets you through.’