‘Ahem-hem.’ Margaret coughed apologetically. ‘In the interests of balance, I always liked Luke, but I didn’t fancy him.’ Quickly she added, ‘I don’t think he’s preposterous either. Just … not for me.’
‘In all seriousness,’ Claire said. ‘You need to be careful, Rachel. You’re going to crash and it won’t be pretty.’
Suddenly I was very nervous.
‘But we’ll rally round you,’ Claire said. ‘Won’t we?’
‘Of course!’ From Margaret.
‘I’m not much of a rally-er,’ Helen said. ‘But I’m willing to try.’
Mum gripped my arm. ‘You’d be better off without her.’
‘Um, I fly back to New York on Tuesday.’ Anna was apologetic. ‘But obviously I’ll rally round in spirit. I can ask Angelo to do distance reiki?’
‘Perhaps you shouldn’t be on your own.’ Margaret was thoughtful. ‘Why don’t you stay with us for a few days?’
‘I’m fine.’
Grimly, Claire shook her head. ‘You’re a breakdown waiting to happen.’
Out of the blue, Mum asked, ‘What’s going on with you and Adam?’
‘I hate him,’ Claire said.
‘You were kissing him. Ateing the head offa him, more like. And then you gave him a shove where he nearly landed in the next county.’
‘I hate him.’
‘But –’
‘We’re having a lot of hate sex.’
After a startled silence, Anna murmured, ‘All part of life’s rich tapestry.’
81
Despite the grim predictions of my sisters, I got through that first night without going off the rails and when I woke the next morning, I still felt … fine.
Okay, so it was a challenge to switch on my laptop and begin writing my step one, all over again. Detailing every single way I’d been ‘powerless over drugs’ six years ago wasn’t exactly how I wanted to start my week, but I gave it a shot.
When the hour was （finally） up, it was no bother to have a shower and get ready for work. But I was in the thick of dopamine, absolutely saturated in the stuff, it was vital to keep sight of that.
While drying my hair, my phone buzzed with a text. When I saw who it was from – Luke – the adrenaline rush had the tips of my fingers fizzing.
Hey. Hoping you’re good? Just letting you know I got back in one piece. L x
Clenching the phone, staring at the words – in particular the ‘x’ – an almost irresistible longing seized me, to call him, simply to hear his voice. But it would be a mistake to think that our night together had been the start of anything. It had been the end. A proper end this time.
Abandoning my hairdryer, I began constructing a breezy, just-dashed-off text, taking forever to get the tone right: warm but in no way flirty; intimate but devoid of innuendo. Eventually I produced:
All good here. Hope you’re okay too. It must be strange being back in Denver for the first time since your mum passed. Try to be kind to yourself x
Seconds later, Luke replied.
And remember there are no wrong feelings x
Wha– Oh! It had been said to Luke and me over and over, in the days after Yara’s death.
Totally, I replied. And everything happens for a reason. Double lol. So now I better go to work x
So … Don’t forget to send me photos of Yara’s tree when it’s got all its flowers x
Sure! In maybe 6 or 7 weeks’ time it’ll be at its best x
Looking forward to it. And we’re gonna talk on 3 July? x
The third of July was Yara’s anniversary.
Thank you, I’d really appreciate that x
Of course. No bother. Talk to you then. Hope you have a good day today. L x
You too x
It looked like the ‘x’ was definitely bedded in. And it was … nice? Friendly? Yes, friendly.
Because we were going to be friends.
That Monday passed without me crashing and burning. Tuesday, same. Then Wednesday. And so on, until it was Saturday morning, a week since Mum’s party and – as part of Operation Rally-Round – Claire was marching up and down outside my house. We had a hike planned but I was distracted by her gym gear, which gave off a sheen of extreme costliness.
‘How on earth’ – I checked her out – ‘can plain black Lycra look stomach-turningly expensive?’
‘Dunno.’ She wasn’t interested. ‘Have you heard from Quin?’
‘No.’
‘Luke?’