‘Brigit!’ I stood up, and took the iPad from her.
‘Sorry about that,’ I told Luke. ‘Don’t mind her.’
‘So I’m not invited?’
God, at times all of this ‘light-hearted’ banter was so draining. At times it actually made me sad. ‘Take it up with her. So? Would you like a tour of the changes here?’
‘Yeah. Great.’
Crossing the uneven, bumpy land to the converted cowhouse, I showed him around, then took him along the boundary line.
‘What about our lake?’ He asked. ‘Do you have time to go there?’
Abruptly, Kallie’s hints about her life-changing good news popped into my head and punctured any remaining positivity.
I didn’t want to reminisce about the magical lake because, although it was where he’d asked me to marry him, in the end we’d got divorced.
Unable to fake light-heartedness, I said, ‘It was only our lake briefly.’
‘Okay.’ Luke also seemed dispirited. ‘Talk soon.’
87
My mood stayed low. Almost as soon as I got back from Brigit’s another photo of Luke popped up on Kallie’s Insta. Elbows resting behind him, on the top bar of a high gate, he was in jeans, a plaid shirt and sunglasses. Next to him were two giant horses and the caption was, ‘Always my happiest, hanging out with these sexy animals.’
It wasn’t a posed shot, Luke was looking away. But still.
‘It’s ambiguous,’ Claire said. ‘She might have taken a sneaky shot of him, like the mad bunny-boiler yoke she is –’
‘Claire, she honestly isn’t –’
‘Look. Why don’t you just grow up and ask him if they’re still together.’
Because if he was, I didn’t think I could bear it.
‘At least she hasn’t done any more of that “Good news coming soon, send me your thoughts and prayers” bullshit,’ Claire said.
But the very next day, up Kallie pops on her stories, all glee and sparkle. ‘Hi, guys! Oh boy! I need all of your positive energy. I’m super sorry I can’t tell you guys yet! Just trust me that fin-al-ly there’s a lot of good stuff maaaaybe happening. A lot, a lot. It’s super-hard to not tell you but I gotta do this the right way.’
After watching it another nine or ten times, I was no better informed. Would she be putting this up on her stories if she was talking about moving in with Luke, knowing that Luke might see it?
Maybe Luke wouldn’t see it, though? He wasn’t on Instagram.
Oh my God, I was so tired from all the uncertainty. Maybe Claire was right and I should just talk to him.
But I did nothing about it. It was far nicer to exist in an imaginary place where all things were still possible.
About a week later, on a warm June night, Luke texted. Sorry if this is a bad time. Can you take a quick call? FaceTime? X
Barely able to hit the keys, I replied, FaceTime me right now x
Moments later, my iPad starting bing-bonging. ‘Luke?’
‘Wanted to run something by you. In a few weeks’ time, I’m coming to Dublin. Just for two days, I’ve a couple of meetings. I’d love to stay longer but I need to get back. Would you have time – Could we … see each other?’
I took a breath, caught up in several conflicting thoughts. On the surface, this was a tangible opportunity to demonstrate our transition to friends, to discover that that one night together had been genuinely healing.
But while we remained separated by seven thousand kilometres, Luke and I were suspended in a fact-free bubble where I could fantasize about us being together again and nothing could contradict me.
When we met in person, the either/or would have to stop.
‘What dates?’ I asked.
‘Monday the ninth of July, I have to fly back the eleventh.’
‘Oh.’ There was a sudden sinking feeling, which was also a relief. ‘I’ll be in Transylvania.’
‘Transyl-what?’ he said. ‘The Dracula place?’
In my head, I heard Quin’s voice. Rach, this fucking hayseed! This is the guy you think you want?
‘There aren’t actual vampires, Luke. It sounds more exciting than it is, but I can’t get out of it. Long story, Quin and I booked months ago, with our friends Taryn –’
‘Hey. It’s okay. Calm down. I’ll get you next time I’m in town.’ Then, ‘Vampires, eh? The best I could give you was the redneck Riviera.’
‘But it was beauti–’
‘Stop.’ He was gentle. ‘I was kidding. We’ll talk on her anniversary.’