88
‘The bootees she wore in the hospital.’ I held up the minuscule socks to the camera. ‘A lock of her hair.’ Taking care, I produced items from Yara’s memory box, all of them so fragile and precious. A sheaf of photographic paper turned up. ‘Every one of her scans. And remember this?’ The rabbit mobile for above her crib. ‘And these? The satin ballerina slippers you bought her, remember?’
‘Oh, God, yeah.’ His voice was choked.
‘Luke, you could have taken some of these when you left.’
He shook his head. ‘I already felt too guilty. I had my share of her ashes, it was enough.’
‘Have you done something with them?’
‘Not yet. I’m still waiting for the right place.’
‘I don’t know if you remember but the nurses took impressions of her feet. A few years ago, I got a jeweller to reproduce them. Look.’ I displayed two tiny silver versions of Yara’s beautiful little feet, sweet and weighty in the centre of my hand.
‘Oh God.’ Luke looked teary.
‘I’ll get a pair made for you! And copies of the scans. I’ll post them as soon as they’re done. It might be a while, though. The jeweller took around two months to make these.’
‘Thanks –’
‘No, Luke, thank you. It’s … I appreciate having someone to share this day with.’
‘What have you done other years?’
‘Worked in the garden. Got out the memory box. Cried.’ I half laughed. ‘You know yourself. You?’
‘Saddled up Shadow, went to the mountains. Being out there, in the vast emptiness, I guess it puts things more in perspective.’ Then, ‘What sort of person do you think she’d have been?’
‘Like you, I’d have hoped. You’re so good at being content – well, you were. Maybe you’re different now?’
A long silence followed. ‘God, I don’t know how to answer that.’
‘You don’t seem dissatisfied? Narky? Always looking for better?’
‘… I’m not always looking for better. If I have something good, I’m grateful.’
‘There you are, then. You know, Luke, I didn’t want her to be like me. I was worried that she’d be an addict.’
‘But if she was, she was. People have to go their own path.’
‘I didn’t want her to go through the pain of it. And I didn’t want to cause you any more worry, you’d already been through enough with me.’
‘Hey.’ His voice was gentle. ‘It wasn’t that bad.’
‘Oh, don’t. I caused you so much misery that you ran away to Denver.’
‘You couldn’t help it.’ Luke seemed distressed. ‘I was thinking … Maybe next year you and I could meet in New York? In Brooklyn?’
It felt as if a hundred daggers had been plunged deep into my lungs. ‘Luke, I absolutely couldn’t …’ It hurt to take a breath. ‘Honestly, that’s the saddest thing I can think of. Being back there with you, where we’d once been so happy …’
‘Sorry.’ He was alarmed. ‘I thought it might help.’
‘I’m okay. Really. But those years, before it all went wrong … It sort of horrifies me that I didn’t know it, at the time, how ridiculously happy I was. On my deathbed, I’m sure it will stand out as the best part of my life.’
‘Same,’ he said. ‘We had no clue how blessed we were.’
Tentatively, I asked, ‘What was it that made it so … special?’
After a thoughtful pause, he took a breath. ‘Not the obvious stuff. I fancied you, Rachel, I always fancied you, you know that, but it wasn’t about fireworks. It was the opposite. What you gave me was … I guess the word is relief. Remember as a kid if you lost your dad in a crowd, just for a moment. You start freaking out – then you’d spot him. Remember that, like, whoosh of relief?’
There was a lump in my throat.
‘Other people like drama – look at Joey. Actually, don’t. Dude’s a train-wreck. But you calmed me.’
‘I did? That’s very …’ It was difficult to speak. ‘But now that you’ve said it … Whenever I saw you, before my brain even registered it, my soul was going, “Everything’s okay because Luke’s here.” You’re quite … moral. More, I guess … inflexible than some? I always knew where I was with you. I loved it.’