‘Wait.’ Suddenly he was urgent. ‘Have you any access to pills?’
‘I’m in Mum’s, she gave me a whole box, this house is like a pharmacy –’
‘Get rid of them!’
‘I already have.’ Speaking quickly, I said, ‘Luke, listen to me, it’s okay, I threw them down the sink. I didn’t want them, not at all. But it was better to be safe – although Mum will probably kill me when she finds out. I’ve been to meetings, I had an epic session with Nola, I’m doing the breathing and meditation, I’m asking Yara for help, but I still feel so … nightmare-y. I could ring some helpline but …’ I had to swallow hard. ‘The only person I wanted to talk to is you. I’m so sorry.’
‘Rachel.’ His voice was so soft. So lovely. ‘Why are you sorry? This is okay. It would always be okay.’
‘Your kindness.’ My voice shook. ‘It’s just so … Can you talk to me for a while? Until I feel slightly less … scared?’
‘Of course. Is there anything that might help? If you were counselling a person who was upset, the way you are, what might you say?’
‘… It’s not my specialty, but I’d ask if they had memories of feeling calm or at peace.’
‘Got it. So can you remember a time you felt calm? At peace?’
Something immediately came to mind and I discounted it.
‘Maybe when you were a kid?’
‘Let me have a …’ I found another memory. ‘I was about six or seven. Anna and I had draped a blue bedspread over a table. We were underneath, there were seashells on the floor, like we were under the ocean. The light was dim and blue, I remember feeling serene. Anna and I were the only ones who could breathe underwater. It was just us. I felt strong. Calm.’
‘Any other memories? Places? People? Who made you feel that?’
‘Luke.’ My voice broke. ‘I feel like that with you.’
‘When?’
‘Kind of …’ I gulped. ‘All of the time.’
‘Okay.’ He was thoughtful. ‘Okay.’ Then, ‘So why don’t I come and see you?’
‘… What do you mean?’
‘I mean, get on a plane and come to your house and, you know, see you?’
After a long silence, I asked, ‘When?’
‘Now. Well, as soon as I can catch a flight.’
‘Are you … is this a joke?’
‘Not a joke.’
‘Would you really do that?’
‘I really would.’
‘… Why?’
‘Can that wait? We can talk when I get there.’
‘I have to ask, are you a Republican now? A Trump supporter?’
‘Wha– No! Rachel, why would you think that?’
‘Because people change.’
‘How different did I seem that night? Because it felt to me as if nothing had changed.’
‘That was just sex. We were always good at it.’
‘It wasn’t “just” anything, Rachel.’ He paused. He frowned. ‘It was everything.’
It was certainly how I had felt. But … ‘You go horse-riding now. You’re a bit holy. You’re not a vegetarian.’
‘These days you’re a gardener, I was always slightly holy and even though there are times I eat meat, I’m mostly vegetarian. But the fundamentals of who you are or I am, they haven’t changed. You always made me feel safe. Since we reconnected, it’s been the same.’
About an hour later, he called. ‘Are you still at your mum and dad’s?’
‘Yes. Where are you?’
‘In my car. Heading to the airport.’
‘Seriously?’
‘If you could go home to your house? Take tomorrow off work?’
‘Luke! Is this really –？’
‘Layover in O’Hare, then landing in Dublin, just before five in the morning your time.’
Stunned, I said, ‘I could come and pick you –’
‘No. Thank you. I’d prefer privacy for … Yeah, a taxi is fine. Rachel, go home. Wait for me. I’ll be there in the morning.’
At my house, Kate and Devin were all action. A large shopping bag stood on the kitchen table and they seemed to be emptying the contents of the fridge into it. Wildness was in the air, a sense of last-minute lawless looting.
Crunchie was clicking about, looking very concerned.
Devin looked up. ‘Uncle Luke called.’ Overlapping him, Kate said, ‘We have to go to Devin’s parents. Like, now.’