‘No, thanks.’
‘Do you mind if I do?’
Alone once again, I talked in my head with Yara, asking her to help me, to take away the fear, and if that wasn’t possible, to help me bear it.
Why don’t you call Luke?
But I couldn’t differentiate between Yara and me. Was this real advice? Or was I just telling myself what I wanted to hear?
Dad had returned. ‘Will you come down for Telly Bingo? We got you a card.’
‘Oh, Dad. Thank you, but …’
‘No bother. I’ll do yours for you but if you win, you can claim it.’
‘Thanks, Dad.’
You should ring Luke.
I, so badly, wanted to see him, to hear his voice. He was so kind. But it wasn’t even six in the morning in Denver, he’d probably be asleep. And if Kallie was there, I didn’t think I could cope.
‘You didn’t win.’ Mum was back. ‘On the Telly Bingo. None of us got anything. We’re an unlucky family, we always were. Will you come down and eat something? There’s quiche. Your father walked down to SuperValu by himself and bought it specially. There might be a small bit of ham in it, by accident. He says he’s sorry.’
‘Maybe later, Mum.’
After she’d departed, I stared helplessly at my iPad, overtaken by what I decided to call ‘restraint fatigue’。 I’d run out of the stamina to resist FaceTiming Luke. Anyway, it was nearly seven in the morning in Denver, he might be up.
‘Rachel?’ He was still in bed, the artificial light bleaching his face as pale as his bedsheets. ‘Everything okay?’
‘Sorry for waking you. Are you alone –’
‘Hey, take a breath.’ The camera steadied and there he was, in his dishevelled beauty. ‘It’s okay,’ he insisted, sitting upright, pulling a sheet chest high. ‘No one else is here. Tell me.’
‘Helen, you know she’s pregnant? Two nights ago she started bleeding –’
‘God.’ His alarm was visible.
‘She’s fine. But I was the one she called – Artie was away. I took her to the hospital and even though it wasn’t what we went through – you and I – it’s really affected me.’
‘Yes. Like, of course.’
‘She’s back home, the bleeding has stopped, it wasn’t the terrible thing I first thought but I still feel … in the middle of some horrible, horrible nightmare. The way I did in the hospital when you and I realized there was only one heartbeat.’
‘Angel.’ His voice was soft. ‘Rachel. I’m guessing this is normal, after what we went through?’
‘I know. Probably. Yes. Can I ask you a question?’
‘Work away.’
‘Luke.’ I took a breath. ‘Did you tell Kallie about us? About that night?’
‘No.’
My heart sank to the centre of the earth.
‘… Why would I?’
‘Do you mean that you and Kallie are just carrying on, without her knowing?’
‘Wha– No!’ He gave a short, startled laugh. ‘She and I were done before I even left Ireland.’
Thank you.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Sounding astonished, he said, ‘I thought you knew.’
‘How would I?’
‘But … you know what I’m like,’ he said. ‘Mr By-the-Book. That night, outside your house, you asked if I’d like to come in and … yeah.’ He sighed softly. ‘That was it – me and Kallie were done. I had to tell her.’
‘Right.’ My voice was faint.
‘And our night together? I would hardly have … Rachel!’
‘Okay …’
‘It was …’ He paused. ‘… hard having to hurt Kallie. But what took place with you and me, I’m …’ Again, he hesitated over the right word. ‘… grateful. So grateful for it.’
‘You and Kallie still go horse-riding together?’
‘Our horses are stabled at the same ranch. Our paths sometimes cross. We’re, you know, friendly to each other. But no.’
‘Quin and I broke up.’
‘Yeah.’ He half sighed. ‘I kinda guessed.’
‘How?’
‘I’m an optimist.’ Then he laughed. ‘Okay, I’m not proud of this but I, ah … Quin’s Instagram? He used to post a lot of photos of you … Are you okay? About the break-up?’
‘Fine. He is too. But, Luke, I can’t sleep. Not since the night with Helen. I mean, I can, slightly. It’s not as if I’ve been wide awake since Helen rang. I’m just managing a couple of hours here and there –’