There was no need, he’d seen me, he knew I’d been there.
Quietly, we slipped outside but to get to the car park, we had to cross the forecourt of the church, where the crowds were congregating. Ducking our heads, Kate and I scurried at speed, my shins in agony yet – inexplicably – also numb.
‘Rachel?’ someone called.
‘Oh no,’ I whispered. Kate and I scurried even faster.
‘Rachel!’ The voice was a lot nearer.
There was no escape, so I stopped and turned to see Luke’s brother, Justin and a younger man, the one who looked like the twenty-something Luke.
‘I thought it was you!’ Justin declared.
Hugging him felt natural. ‘I’m so sorry about your mum. She was lovely.’
‘Margie was a character.’ He managed a half-laugh. ‘It’s a sad day.’ He turned to Kate and stuck out his hand. ‘Justin Costello.’
‘We’ve met,’ she said shyly. ‘A long time ago. At their – Rachel and Luke’s – wedding. I’m Kate, Rachel’s niece.’
‘Jesus.’ He looked mildly shocked. ‘You don’t feel the years passing.’ He shunted forward the young man. ‘This is my eldest, Devin.’
‘Devin?’ I couldn’t hide my surprise. ‘The last time I saw you, you were about twelve!’
Up close, he wasn’t really that similar to the young Luke. He had the same black hair and a similar body type, but his eyes were nothing like Luke’s pools of darkness.
Politely, he shook hands with both of us.
‘Will you come back to the house?’ Justin asked. ‘My place in Rathmichael. Everyone’s invited, we’d love to have you.’
Go to the house.
There wasn’t a hope. I needed to get away from the Costellos, all of them.
‘I don’t think it would be the best idea …’ Especially not with Luke and his new lady there. ‘But …’ My tears started again. ‘Just tell me, is he well? Is he okay?’ Half laughing, I added, ‘Apart from the fact that his mother has just died, I mean.’
Justin looked sad and embarrassed. ‘He’s good, he’s good. Don’t worry about him.’
‘Could you … pass on my condolences?’
‘You can tell him yourself if you come for the lunch. Come on, Rachel, we’d love to see you. Dad really wants you there.’
Automatically, I looked past Justin to the collection of Costellos who were gathered near the hearse. From his wheelchair, Mr Costello was watching us. He met my eyes, then lifted his hand in a friendly way. What the hell?
Go to the lunch.
I clenched my jaw. ‘Okay. We’ll come.’
‘Great. We’ll see you there.’
Clutching Kate’s arm, we scuttled back to the car. When we were far away enough that it was safe to speak, Kate asked, ‘Are we really going?’
‘No. I can’t go just to please Luke’s dad.’
‘You lied?’
‘Just being Irish. Justin would have kept at me until I agreed. It was easier to pretend.’
11
Ted took one look at me. ‘Go home.’
‘No. I’m fine.’ Well, I would be – diving into work always helped.
‘You don’t look fine,’ Murdo offered. ‘And where are your shoes?’
‘Boots, actually. I had to take them off before my legs erupted. Just need to change my clothes now, then I’m set.’
‘Rachel,’ Ted said. ‘Murdo can cover for –’
‘Ted.’ I fixed him with my most earnest gaze. ‘I’m fine. Thank you. And thank you, Murdo. Is my new arrival here? Yes? Okay, I need to find Priya.’
I ended the argument by walking away.
I’ll be okay, I told myself. I’ll be better than okay, I’ll actually be fine … won’t I?
Hard to say. Maaaaybe you should have gone to Justin’s house?
Sometimes the voice in my head could be irritatingly smug.
Twenty years ago, Nola became my sponsor on the condition that I ‘found a higher power’。 I very much didn’t want to – giving up drugs was hard enough without having to be spiritual into the bargain.
Eventually though, a vague, gentle thing developed, where I had chats inside my head with something that wasn’t me. At the time, that was as specific as I could manage. But over the years the voice in my head had evolved and grown, developing an entire personality of its own. At times it could be borderline unbearable.