This, I’d discovered when Claire had asked, ‘How would you feel about him pounding away on top, hoofing it into you?’
‘Hoofing it into me?’ I’d winced.
‘Sorry,’ she said. ‘It’s the testosterone gel. Since I’ve started, I think about sex twelve times a second. I guess this is what it’s like to be a man.’
It was a mystery why Claire’s doctor had put her on, of all things, testosterone supplements. It wasn’t as if she’d ever been lacking in confidence. Menopause seemed like a strange country with some very odd practices and I did my best to pretend I’d never be old enough for it.
As it happened, I could well have been perimenopausal, but it was hard to be sure, seeing as I already had several of the symptoms. Insomnia? Step right up! Tiredness? Well, that’s just modern life.
‘So?’ Claire had insisted. ‘The hoofing?’
I’d thought about it and … oooh. Definitely something there.
‘My God,’ she’d declared, vivid with delight. ‘You like the sound of it! You’d better reply the next time he messages you!’
Back in the now, I took a forkful of chips from Claire’s plate.
‘Take them all,’ she said. ‘Save me from the carbs. So, Rachel, if you ever get tired of Quin …’
Oh Jesus, we were, once again, skirting dangerously close to swinger talk. I was so hoping she’d forgotten about it.
In a high voice, I blurted, ‘Have you found a dress yet for Mum’s party?’
Mum was turning eighty in four weeks’ time and we’d been ordered to throw her a surprise party. Between Claire’s dynamism and Margaret’s meticulous nature, arrangements were well advanced: eighty of Mum’s family and frenemies had been invited to a champagne reception and sit-down dinner in the SugarLoaf Inn; an elaborate frock was being constructed by a ‘couturier’ that Margaret had managed to unearth and, in New York, Anna was in negotiations with her employers to secure huge amounts of free make-up and skincare for the party bags.
‘Jesus, the dresses,’ Claire declared. ‘If it was only me I had to worry about … But I’m also ordering them for Kate, Francesca and Molly.’
Molly was her stepdaughter, Adam’s daughter from another relationship. Around the same age as Kate, Molly was willowy, gorgeous, charming and had a high-status job as a scientist for a clean-energy company. All of us were in love with her but Mum was the worst – absolutely fascinated by Molly’s impeccable social skills. She was also prone to frequent bouts of anger triggered by how far short all of her own children and grandchildren fell by comparison.
‘Then there’s Luka to worry about. I ordered him a studded hoodie from Balenciaga and he’s refusing to even try it on. “The planet,” he says. What other fifteen-year-old boy gets the chance to wear Balenciaga!’
Luka was an incredibly tall, incredibly thin, incredibly earnest young man. Not much fun, to be honest. And not his fault. Like teenagers everywhere, he rejected the value systems of his parents – and his parents were all about fun.
‘Seriously, Rachel, the stress of it.’
‘You’re not stressed,’ I said. ‘You love it!’
‘Ah, yeah, I do.’ She gestured for the bill. ‘Gotta go.’
‘What you up to?’
She nodded in the direction of the fourth floor, where the medi-spa lived. ‘An oul’ spot of radio-frequency body contouring.’
‘What does that do?’
‘Tightening.’ She pursed her lips with evident satisfaction. ‘Tight. En. Ing. See you tomorrow.’
This was news to me.
‘Committee meeting for Mum’s party.’
Another one? There were so many. ‘Listen, any idea what’s up with Helen?’
‘Not one clue. But we’ll have to get it out of her. Right. Bye!’
After Claire had gone, I had a moment of freefall, of not knowing what to do next. The shops were there … I could always stagger around them, killing time. But no.
FaceTime Quin? Again no. I was so raw that I’d probably say something to accidentally hurt him. Call Nola? Jesus Christ, no! My worst idea so far – no way had I the energy for the deep-dive she’d make me do on my emotions and motivations.
Go to a meeting.
If I drove fast, there was an eight thirty NA meeting that I could probably make. It was oh-so-tempting to skip it and just go home and collapse on the couch …
Go to the meeting.