‘As I understand it,’ I said, carefully, ‘you had already made promises to Collie Byrne. In the past.’
‘But this time I mean it. I meant it the other time too,’ she added quickly. ‘But it’s different now.’
‘What way? You always knew that Collie operated outside the law.’
‘I never really thought about it.’ She looked lost and frightened. ‘I just … knew I’d get the money from somewhere. But tomorrow is Friday, the day Collie Byrne said he’d … I don’t want anything bad to happen to Ronan.’
At long last, she broke down. Fat tears sprang from her eyes and a storm of sobs shook her. ‘He’s my little boy,’ she gasped. ‘I don’t want anyone to hurt him.’
27
‘So! When I first got here I thought you were all insane!’ Roxy was up on a dining chair, giving her farewell speech. ‘And I wasn’t wrong!’ The room erupted into laughter.
The twenty other clients and four of the therapists had come along, as well as Brianna, Nurse Hector, Starling who taught art, Florian the groundsman and Karlin the cook. Karlin had made a special farewell Gateau Diane, Roxy’s favourite. Most people got fobbed off with a preservatives-riddled thing from the garage. No doubt about it, Roxy had been a big hit.
‘I came in here to save my job.’ Roxy beamed around the room. ‘Then discovered I was an alcoholic and drug addict. Fuck my life!’ Radiant with gratitude and optimism, she was a very different woman to the resistant, surly creature who had arrived here six weeks ago.
The one off-note here was poor Trassa. Planked on a chair, with Giles and Chalkie hovering protectively, she looked catatonic. One of her two permitted weekly phone calls had been used to speak to Ronan, to discover that heaven and earth were being moved to get Collie Byrne his twenty grand by tomorrow. That immediate worry had gone but there were much bigger rearrangements taking place in her.
‘Six long weeks ago,’ Roxy declared, ‘I thought an addict was one of those people sleeping in shop doorways! Imagine my shock when I got it – even though I had a job and an apartment I was an alkie.’ She grinned. ‘Let me tell you, I was not happy! I was very, very not happy. Next, I decided I could keep drinking and using, I just needed to be careful.’
‘Bargaining!’ someone yelled.
‘Yep, bargaining. Didn’t last long though. Rachel, over there’ – she pointed to me, leaning against the doorway – ‘said I’d never drink or drug normally again. Ouch! Gurl, you need to learn how to break bad news! Then I cried for eight days solid.’
‘How are you feeling about going Back Out There?’ Chalkie called up to her.
‘Sad, you know? Which is weird. Six weeks ago, I hated this place, hated everyone here.’ Ruefully, she shook her head. ‘Especially Rachel, not gonna lie.’ Then, ‘Sorry.’
‘No need.’ Sort of true. It wasn’t the real me she’d hated.
‘Wow, though!’ She widened her eyes. ‘You knew my bullshit up and down! You are really good at your job. Times even I didn’t know I was lying – but you did. That’s some training you got!’
I allowed myself a little smile.
‘Until I got here, I had no clue how exhausted I was. All. The. Time!’ Roxy said. ‘All the planning … where my next drink was coming from, where I’d get the money to score, having to keep track of all my lies. So let me hear your suggestions for staying clean and sober.’
‘Meetings,’ someone called. ‘Lots of meetings! Get phone numbers from the other women there. Go to your aftercare, every week.’
‘Never forget you’re an addict! Never think you’re cured!’
‘Can’t believe I’m saying this,’ Roxy exclaimed, ‘but I’m relieved everything caught up with me. I was so ashamed all the time. You know?’ She laughed as she scanned the semi-circle of faces. ‘Yeah, you do.’
‘When are we getting the cake?’ Ella muttered.
Confused and uncomfortable, Ella wasn’t enjoying this. And Dennis even less so. Despite me getting it so wrong with Patch, Dennis was wobbling. Plucking him from his everyday life, bombarding him with lectures and AA meetings, removing any access to alcohol and surrounding him with other addicts who’d once been just as resistant, was starting to work. I could see it on his face – a terrible suspicion that he wasn’t that different to Roxy.
‘Some of you here don’t want to stop.’ Roxy said. ‘And I get it, it’s like saying goodbye to the love of your life.’