At her words, something squeezed in me, something I hadn’t felt in a while – the agony, the grief of turning away from the thing I loved the most. It had been excruciating. I’d been clean for a long time but it was good to be reminded that I was still an addict, that I’d never be cured.
‘But addiction is a killer disease, so if you want to stay alive, you’ve no choice. So do it! Now, take one last look at me because in ten minutes’ time, when I walk out that door, no offence, guys, I am never coming back.’
Amid rowdy applause, she climbed down from the chair and embarked on a bout of enthusiastic hugging. I waited till everyone had dispersed, then collared her.
‘I’m very fond of you, Roxy,’ I said, ‘but I do not want to see you in here again.’
‘Got it. Thank you, Rachel. Thank you for everything.’
It didn’t always feel right to hug a departing client but with Roxy there was no way I couldn’t. I held her tight and hoped she’d be happy, and when we pulled away from each other, we both had tears in our eyes.
28
I needed a T-shirt from the hot press so, in my sturdy pyjamas, I zipped from my bedroom onto the landing – at the very moment that the lock on the bathroom door clicked and Devin Costello, wearing only a towel wrapped low around his hips, emerged, in a cloud of steam.
We took one startled look at each other and speedily I retreated to my bedroom, where I raged at the terrible timing. I’d deliberately waited until I’d thought there was no chance of meeting him! The water was still running! What was he doing leaving the bathroom when the shower was still on?
Devin and Kate had shown up late last night. Giggling and sweet, they’d tumbled into the living room to say hello, then commandeered the kitchen, where they did stuff with halloumi. Even with the door shut, I could hear them exclaiming, ‘Squeaky. It’s so squeaky.’ Then laughing like drains.
Young love.
Very young.
Devin seemed very child-like to me, much younger than Luke had been when he’d been only a few years older. Maybe because all kids were more cosseted these days? Or maybe because his parents weren’t short of money?
… Or maybe I was just old …？
They’d gone to bed shortly after I had. For a while the low murmur of their voices and occasional laughter was audible from Kate’s room, then it all went very quiet and I drifted off. Until the sound of a stifled groan – a male one – reached me in my sleep.
Suddenly I was wide awake, assailed by catastrophic thinking. No way could I keep living in this house if I had to listen on the regular to a Costello man doing sex noises in the room next door. I’d have to move out. Or Kate would.
… But poor Kate, that brutal commute from Claire’s. No, it would have to be me. I’d move in with Quin and find someone to help pay my mortgage by sharing with Kate. A young, easy-going type, who didn’t mind a home with inadequate sound insulation.
But I couldn’t take things with Quin to the next level just to escape Luke Costello’s nephew.
Or could I?
It had taken me hours to get back to sleep, only to land right into a nightmare. It was New York, more than twenty years ago, and Luke was yelling, ‘You’re lying.’
‘I’m not, I’m not, Luke, I’m not,’ I stuttered with fear.
‘But I’ve found your hiding places! See!’ Dramatically, he ripped a strip of paper from the wall and hundreds of tablets tumbled out, bouncing to the floor and around the room. ‘Why did you lie? You know that’s worse than taking drugs.’
At the start of the dream, we were both in our twenties, then, as happens in dreams, we changed and looked like we do now, him with his shorter hair and unfamiliar coat, me with my smooth Botoxy forehead and new trainers.
When I woke up, I was shaking. God, that had been awful. Since that phone call from Joey Armstrong, so many long-buried feelings had been flung to the surface.
It was 7 a.m., anyway, nearly time to get up. Then I heard, ‘It’s so squeaky!’
So, they were awake.
Moments later, one of them （Devin, it transpired） went into the bathroom and shut the door. Then opened it again and called, ‘Which shower gel do I use?’
‘The Origins one. Guess why?’
‘Because it’s so squeaky?’
‘Yeah!’
He laughed, she laughed, they probably laughed next door in Benigno and Jasline’s, Crunchie was doubtless in convulsions downstairs in the kitchen. Good job I was already awake, I wanted to yell.